the signs

I think that I've been through my share of difficulties this Christmas.. This morning we had to leave the house and at first of course the parent in me directed the events of today... This has been an interesting holiday this time around as i scope around and see my family.. nothing would warm my heart than just to continiously tell them how much I cherish each of them. it has nothing to do with the life they live, the things they do, or what they say or do to me..my heart has always been in them... they are my sacturary..they are my place of solitude.. each of them carries a trait of me and my life...the legacy I had hoped to see months ago...in thinking my life had to be perfect that I had to become something more than this, that someone else would live my life the way I had hoped too..
This is not the case in this situation..as i proudly introduce all of my family members I could not be more proud to be alive and here today... we spent the day travelling together and I continued to think of my father wishing he were here, but as i looked into my brother's eyes I knew he was because we carry him with us wherever we go..
We went to the new Tim Hortons and I was filled with joy it didn't matter what kind of people we were, how poor we are, it was about sitting and enjoying the greatest part of Canadian life sitting in that Tim Hortons surrounded by my family....except Jeff of course..

Today I introduced myself to strangers...I'm not sure why but I believe this is a part of Christmas that must be expressed in giving to others...whether it be a good morning, friendly smile, or merry Christmas...this is what I'm living here for..is to see these moments and capture them in a way that cannot be explained.
I mean...one thing I continued to say to my lady was that with family there will always be difficulty, there will always be one or two family members who struggle with whatever history they had, whether there or not...its that we are there now and sharing an unconditional love.. no matter what happens I'll always love angie and randy. they are my brother and sister. I care for them and believe the person they are underneath the drugs and alcohol.. its not the surface that I look too it's their heart.

Just as much as I believe my lady loves me....she loves me because she has seen a light underneath the darkness I have felt...underneath the scars, underneath the hard shell of the beast of me...in the depths of it all there is a light there is a beauty that very rarely we ever have the chance to see...however when we do..life could not be more perfect because that is the person that I was meant to be...I do not regret who I am.. this lifestyle of mine the times of my past, the trials, the pain, and heartache..I dont regret it because I know with it the seasons have caused me to change and grow, and live in whatever way I felt necessary for that season.

i feel very outta it..at the moment...i have been sick for over a week and tonight I'm not sure what it is that's got to me..the lack of sleep, the pills, the cough syrup that I feel now I should not have taken because i think it was over its expiration date.. well..theres a lot going on in my head as I lay here my head pounding my breathing acting differently... the scratch in my throat, the runny nose..I know that this sickness is here to force me to stop...stop and take care of myself and all that I must take care of... I can't let myself push my own limits because it'll hurt me if I try much harder...I'll feel myself falling apart.. just yesterday I felt like I had been getting better and than lastnight happened and everything has changed I feel like I'm getting worse I think the added stress of lastnight and fear, anger etc..lack of taking care of myself..has pushed me back into this sickness..once again forcing me to look at myself..and finding ways to take care of myself.
I need to be better so that i can be here for them..those kids are the world to me and I know i'm not there parent but in part a piece of me is their parent in some form..they all look up to me, watch me my actions and my reactions, everything I do is seen by them.... even lastnight was a test of the life of me..the person I could've been and the person i chose to be...and I reacted with great honor and I held back everything and made the right decision...because deep down as my lady continues to say to me that this is the person I am supposed to be...deep down I know as she does that there is life underneath it all..because...I was created for greatness...and I dont know what I'm going through right now...

But I know I'm here...I'm here physically, in the present absorbing the good and bad of family gatherings..I could not be more proud of being a part of this family...to love each of them unconditionally..and to respect them and their choices and decisions..I know each of them will do great things and even if they don't it doesn't matter because of them mean the world to me and no matter what they do I will always love them..

todays events...were memorible..I cherished today because I spent it with my family enjoying the city the good and bad...and we have the new Tim Hortons to remember this time whatever way that might seem.. it's been a beautiful day with the family..I needed this..I needed to be dirt poor right now, and have them not ask for money but a good laugh and some good pictures, videos of today...this is how I'd like to spend Christmas just a day like today... less drama and more love, laughter and joy..there might be hope for Christmas in this household afterall.

Good day...good night... i really really need to get better and stop being paranoid about the feelings that are going on in my body....I'm not sure what it is but if it gets worse welll than its another trip to the doctor, or hospital...hopefully it's just my body telling me I need some rest...

with that I say goodnight