dear agony

A song I have come to admire and love is called "I will not bow" by Breaking Benjamin the album is called "dear Agony."
I have failed.. I am failing and I am giving up without a second thought. I have just looked and seen that I have enough to go away for seven days to Prince George the worst place I could ever think of and the worst time for me to go. But I give up...
As I sit here in near tears of all the agonizing pain that I've had to deal with since moving back to Vancouver, all the pain, all the heartache and all the facades of who I am... Unable to travel a short distance to visit friends, unable to be away from all the pain that I've had to deal with.. bottled up inside me are the vicious remarks of family, of friends, and of all who believe strongly that I will fail and have failed. All the suicide attempts all the stuff that's going on in my head, unable to find truth from lies... everything has become too much.. Going to Prince George may be a mistake but I need some peace of mind before I ruin my life, before I pick up some coke, before I decide to destroy my life I need to be reminded... I need to breath. I need to get the heck out of Vancouver and so far the only place in mind is Prince George, I can only pray that I will find family that they would take me in, and that someone will give me the joy in visiting my father's grave...

After today's events I'm not sure I can even write my paper... Last night I decided that I am done... I'm giving into all the stuff going on in my head, all the stuff burdened in my heart. The cancellations, the pain of my family, the heartache in feeling this alone and isolated... the reminder of these things has become too much and I am leaving.. I will be making the arrangements now that I've seen how little it will cost me to get away for a time... how easy it will be for me to run... and how terrified I am about going to Prince George because my father's family, but how I hope and wish, and pray they will not shut their door on me very literally because I'm in desperate need...

Last night was when I decided that I had enough. enough on the canceling of appointments, enough on my family situations, and enough of being treated this way... People tell me to stand my ground to fight, why the heck should I fight when I feel like this? I am on the verge of giving up and if I don't act soon well than that would sadly be the end of me... I am not running from my problems I hope that I'm far from that because I know what I'll be coming back too.. However I'm at the point that I need to breath, I need to be able to appreciate the person I am, and all that I've worked for I need to know it was not all for nothing. I need to rest assure that I am making progress in my life, and I need to stop doing everything I'm doing... trying so hard to stay afloat trying so desperately to stay alive with no courage, no fighting power of strength, no desire for something that no longer exists in my life.

I have been treated with such disregard of everything I've done. I keep telling people just do it already you know? Just get it over with. stop doing this to me... stop forcing me to live, forcing me to find a moment of breath and stop just stop. because it's not working and I'm heading into utter and complete destruction if I don't leave. after today's events after all the pain I've dealt with today...
I leave hopefully next week hopefully if all goes to plan. I am more so catching the bus because I realize that if I decide to turn back that's the only way that I can... I will only hope for better future, better days... I am deeply sad that I will have to send my cat away and hope that she can forgive me for this but if I don't leave there will be nothing for her to stay with me.

After today... If I don't go now.. I'll literally give up on myself.. all these canceled appointments all the pain that I am facing now, all the heartache I have been under, and the lack of input from those who matter the most. I am done.. If I don't go now I will give up on them, and in return give up on myself... if that makes any sense..