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The events of today must be reminded to me of the person I could've been and the choices I made to be smarter than that... I'm not even sure what to write about but at first I'll write about the memories I have of this man that was a monster in my life....He met my mom very shortly after my fathers death I never had a desire to know him because I felt it was too soon for him to be with my mom....not less than a year later they had my sister....
the years that followed were covered in the things that created what i believe the beast of me...
He was a violent man a woman abuser, and he hated me and my brothers for breathing... we had to fight for food, fight for a moment with our mother, and we had to fight for her to recognize we were her children.. so you can catch my drift when I say he really was a major part of my childhood problems after my father's death... I had been abused and hurt by him and I know a lot of the beginning of things I had started had a lot to do with his words... i still remember what he used to say... "should I stick a needle in my arm and kill myself like your father" He really despised me...
I listened to a lot of hard ass rotten hater music because of him..
Well... after he had my sister they had another one..my baby sister... and he was gone before she was even born..all messed up in drugs and alcohol...got into a lot of trouble..my sisters hardly knew him and even now hardly know him... Now that I was older I made some solid decisions to put fear in his eyes of me and my brothers...we were bigger now, older and full of anger towards such a man like this..
So now when he came around he'd know me..he'd know I was no longer afraid of him and there will never be a day again that he'd ever hit anyone of us... since than he's been afraid of coming around because my fist is strong, I am strong..

However about a week ago he ended up showing up at my mom's door step...and when that day came i knew I would not be leaving my mother's house...as long as this man was in the house I would not leave...at first few days he was good coperative, and used good communication skills. not long after however.... that beast of him started to come out... I tried..to stand back.. because one thing I said to his daughters, my sisters is that I would not cause him harm unless he hurt anyone in the family...this is who I am now... I reminded them continously that I didn't know what it was like to have a father, and I would not deprive them of him. I did tell them that if anything happened that I would have to step in..,but that I didn't want too because I wanted them to know their father..
Honestly it was good..they laughed. they cried from laughing, their stomachs hurt from laughing.. they were happy..I was happy to have them happy because there is nothing greater than a child's laughter..their father really made them smile and had fun with them...

Than tonight happened...

Tonight was a true test of what kind of person I am... and what i could do...but once again the constant only thing in my mind is those girls.. I would not want to jeopordize their opportunity to have their father with them..so i restrained from the anger and frustration I wanted to dish out as this man..their father came stumbling into the house..drunk... he was tanked..and it was the first time the girls had seen this event..and both of them broke down in tears...my fists began to clentch as i prepared myself to get into a fight...to finally use my abilities as a very strong young woman to prevent this man from causing harm on anyone in the family. I would rather him come at me than hurt anyone...the emotional toll of his choices was the tie breaker of the pain I had wished my sisters would never have to experience...
My brother...was the only one who made the right decision..if it were up to me..I would drag him out and throw him outta the house for his stupidity in deciding to drink and come staggering back to his kids... we ended up calling the cops and they came and helped us deal with them. I explained his history with our family how he became violent under the influence how he had hurt us, and how he has a history of violent behaviours in this household..and that i wouldve done everything to protect them..they applauded my brother for calling the cops...

The night...has ended...in a way I wish wouldve never come to pass..he was forcibly removed from the house and is probably sitting at a police station drunk tank..
he has money for the bus to go home...the girls don't want to see their father anytime soon... this is all thanks for his own choices but also the helping hand of a man that I never trusted and wish that wasn't involved with my family...

The heartache and pain that those girls suffered..tonight... I could've ripped someone's head off because I was so angry about the whole situation.I just wanted to save them from this pain. save them from all these things that they witnessed of tonight..
with that the stories...came.... I told them about the nights with my father...how no one opened the door for him, how he slept outside the sliding door..how i stayed up late night until my mother was asleep just to let my dad in,...and how lucky the girls are to have my brother and I around to find a place for their father, whereas my father would cry his heart out..
I explained to them... that any decision I had decided would have been for their own good... I love these kids tremendously unconditionally... and both girls came to me saying that this was the worst christmas ever...

the events of today.... has truly hurt me because I had witnessed the pain in their eyes.. it brought back the pain in my own...when I witnessed these sorts of things as a daily experience that I had to face..
I did however tell them why...why I didnt do hardcore drugs, why I wanted to break the cycle and why I loved them regardless that I had hated their father...and that I love them uncondtionally..and that no matter what happens that will never change..

well... thats the events of today... the pain and heartache I have dealt with days before Christmas... and with that... I must sleep...its going to be a crazy week and I hope that we all can recover from this difficult night.... there is fear in my heart as I worry he will come back and if that happens...than I'll have to put on the armor of the beast of me...an react... but I hope that he's smart enough to know he cannot come back here..this is not his home....and his daughters are hurt by these events...

laterz