An interesting few days I take it...I have been hiding away for ages and tomorrow be the first time I'm getting out for a bit... of course I'm not very certain of what I will be doing but hope for good results regardless of whatever it is that I decide to do.
I must say I've found myself in an unfamiliar space of my life... worried about the future and all that awaits there... I must say for starters so far my assignments are awesome and I've finished them and been recieving the marks and I'm suprised... I know where I was when I wrote those assignments.. my heart was darknened with the reality that I felt I would never change from the beast of me..
Yet even in the darkness I was able to bring out the reality, the situation, being in the present without freaking losing my mind...and even though i feel like i'm losing my mind and everything is really unfamliar to me... I mean reality is that I just feel like I'm not going to make it... You know if there were a bet going on about when I'd live or die.. I'd really bet I wouldn't survive... I'm struggling so much..and the one thing that roles through my head is my lady... her words of needing something good in my life inspite of everything..
I hadn't realized how much I had dealt with in the last few months... and even the last few days.. I feel my body telling me to smarten up and take care of myself... I feel my mind telling me lies of the beast...and I feel my heart telling me all the goodness I have and all the love unconditional love I have...and than words come out and all that comes fourth is the beast of me...as my lady has said it the "I don't care" mentality.. a desire to not care when according to some supports in my life it means I really do... but reality for me is that it's a system I have in place for me to protect myself and others...or even from others...
I realized how much I had been let down... and although there were days my heart was weak and I did cry for help... reality is that's not gonna happen for me..it's not written in the stars for me to get the help I need, I have to take it! I have to fight for it! Oh my goodness!!! What a suprise huh? Having to fight to live yet again...not fighting anyone physically believe you me that ever happen I wouldn't worry about nothing... but to fight the own demons I have raging within myself... Each day I start to lose it...
I can stare at a sky and just be blank, look into the eyes of my lady and be so cold... I'd say something ridiculous... I am not the person she had hoped I'd become... I'm not the person I'd hoped to be while living here in Vancouver... everything has been so mistaken, so much regret, so much pain, so much being alone! so much terror in my soul that everyday I wake up I wonder if I can even survive today! and if something anything, one thing, this or that goes wrong than I'm going to explode and I'm going to ruin every good thing about me, I'm going to get what I feel I deserve as a failure, as a worthless piece of nothing..
I know i know... not the words a leader or role model should be saying...not the words any human person should be saying... but if really..honestly if you knew what went on in my head you'd probably pull the trigger because I'm so outta here...so not where i thought I was going to be..
Through all the deaths...all them deaths I have really been struck by lightning and really have lost all the goodness in my soul... the anniversary date came and went and I couldn't help it.. but wonder you know... what if... should have... damn it! whats wrong with me... someone once said something to me about being afraid to live... not knowing what that might look like...since I went through or am going through this crazy phase of wanting to die...to now I wanna live and because I don't know what that looks like, what it feels like, I just want to pretend I didn't say that.. or maybe I am punishing myself for all my short-comings as a person, a friends, a sister, a daughter, whatever the case..there is a sense of worthlessness in my soul that cannot be explained...
I have tried many and many times to forget about my birthday...why remember a day that was not celebrated? by any living person today? why? no matter how much I try forget the reality is I can't forget.. and even than as this birthday comes I'm thinking what have I done? what have I done with my life? what am I doing?
I believe strongly that others deserve someone better than me! reality is... on the outside I am what I am...on the inside..it's deep beautiful and faith grows...but reality is.... look at my arms, look at these wounds, look at this heart of mine... how could this brokeness be repaired? especially if I've made my life out of my broken heart...out of fear..
I'm rambling... I'm just stuck with thoughts and need a breather.. I need to get away.. I want to fly away ;)
whether life or death is coming... for now..for this moment... it doesn't make a difference to me either way because I don't feel much alive enough as is..