How do I productively talk about situations in my life that have effected me in a way that has or will prove to me that I can not productively be in someone's life for the reasons that I feel I can't deal with those people. I'm talking about a specific situation that I have had to deal with and it's family, the people I feel are at times destroying the light that keeps me going. I have strongly found it difficult to talk with them, hang out with them, or acknowledge that we live in Vancouver together.
This past few weeks I have had to deal with emotional problems in productive ways, I have found it difficult when I felt that others were not being productive. Meaning my family has always been this way, continues to be this way, in not taking care of themselves or each other. The only regret that I feel I have is that I am unable to be there for them when I see that they could be doing better they could make better choices. As a result of these recent outcomes of my visits with my family is that I have had to set myself apart from them, disconnect with them completely. As a result I feel really sad that I have had this outcome, that it's taken me years to realize the person I am to them, but now realizing my limitations and my boundaries.
It was the first since I moved back to Vancouver that I realized for a brief moment how I regretted moving back.... It hurt me a lot to have to realize the effect my family has on me, and my choices. It took me this long to realize the drain I feel in talking with my family, with each conversation being about others wanting to die, or continuing to make the same poor decisions and expect me to respond to that. I have realized that as much as I am here for them I have also needed to be set apart from them.
The life I have chosen is far different, separate even from my family. I am not meant to live the same way they choose too, I have gone places, been to extraordinary places, and met some amazing people that have been a good example of what it means to live life for myself. For me to look at myself and see that I am definitely not my family is a huge deal for me. The impact however that this decision has had on me has been negative I have felt that I could not be in contact with my family, and because Christmas is coming up I am not certain if I will be able to resolve these issues I have or will I be spending Christmas alone or up north which is far far away and alone. It breaks my heart that I have had to go to this extent in separate myself from my family.
I cannot be productive in conversation with my family, I have found that even talking to them about how I feel, or what they say or do effects me it does not help, it does not change what they are doing, but still hurts me. It makes me sad to realize where I'm at and that I cannot be in contact with my family... The situations my family has had to deal with and the ways they have chosen to deal with them has been a result that is far from the right one.
Apart from the drama of my family and all that I have had to see with this stuff.. I'm in school which has been a very interesting place I find myself especially in this time. At the moment my course is "Conflict resolution" I have found it very challenging and different from the ways I have dealt with conflict, or my own feelings. I have been learning how to be productive in my conversations about conflict with others. I still have not found the time to deal with conflict itself and worry to the extent if I ever had to deal with conflict in what ways I would respond. I believe that the process of dealing with conflict resolution may take longer for me to deal with situations because I still am just learning my faults in my relationships, my reactions, and the explosive reactions I have in dealing with someone I have a conflict with.
School has become a difficult challenging experience but will hopefully be productive and one day I'll be able to apply it to my life and maybe have a better relationship with those I have in my life.
I'm around a while but may leave in December with no real idea of where I'm going or what I'm doing but knowing that I have to leave in order to deal with myself, and the situations I've had to face with my family.
That's all for now!