Monday, November 30, 2009

done and done.

Where to begin with my life? I have seen in great detail how I could benefit from this course in dealing with my family, dealing with my relationships...However I struggle tremendously with the idea of choosing to apply this course into my life, I think it would diminish my role in my family, my role in my relationships... In the end would cause a vulnerability that I am not prepared for..
I have had the chance for a week or eight days to look at this course, soak in all the knowledge that I could, write, and did role plays to learn how to apply it into my life... I don't think anytime soon will I be able to use this course in my life hopefully later on in my life.

Away from class and all that fun stuff.. I was hoping to run away to be real honest... I'm not sure I'll be leaving to go anywhere... I want to and wish that I had more people who were people I could turn too in times such as now. I am struggling a lot again and this time it's about how messed up I feel that I am, of all the accomplishments I've ever had I have been unable to get in a place of feeling like my life is worth living. I'm not saying that in the sense that I want to end it.. hold on... lol My life isn't about trying to die or commit suicide or anything I'm trying and hoping that those situations are over with in my life... However when I look at this program that I'm in the idea of College and before I knew where it was going, I had one goal in mind and thought this program would get me there.. As I've struggled the last six months and realized how truly I will not reach that goal... It has forced me to check out where my life is going, and realizing I'm honestly not going anywhere with this program, with my life..

I'm sure people struggle to hear how messed up I am and all that... In even dealing with my one amazing lady... I pull back from and go to her, and pull back... and than I am naive enough to go back into journal entries that start to add up too the major factor... that I am destroying her life by living my life this way.. the pressure of dealing with myself is enough, and than now trying to be open enough to care enough to send a text, send a hello or whatever it is that she needs from me... You see a month ago... something tremendous happened and it really impacted my life in a really great way, she had given me something valuable, and I have carried it throughout the month... This little reminder that I am not where I was, and that in six months there are parts of me that have changed.. but in the last week... I have felt ashamed of having this valuable piece she gave to me, to the point that I want to give it back because... I find myself wasting away in this turmoil... I am needing so desperately for an answer, for a hope, for a future...
In the end I no longer see the benefit of the goodness of her... the greatness of my life.. the part of me that so many people see the fighter, the survivor, and the one that is going to impact many... I have lost hope in that person, that person that rose to the occasion to fight for my life without reason, just desire for change. I have lost hope in that person that survived from June 3 and struggled this much...

In the end I see the beast continuing to rise up in me... continuing to bring about the heartache that I felt I deserved and the worthless feeling that I have in myself and my ability to make it through these situations, and circumstances effectively.

This is the sad part of it... for the first time in a while the feeling rises up in me the darkness the beast, and the burdens it carries to envelope me and destroy every good thing that helped me survive.. It bothers me tremendously that people believed in me so much, that people who didn't even know me would say how strong I was, and how confident I am in the future... when really break it down throw down the wall you see the broken shattered Jessie, dying a painful slow death of destruction... I waste away in the darkness... I close my eyes hoping that for just one moment just one moment I might feel love again, that I might feel strength, that I might feel hope, that I might get through this... each time I see myself burying myself alive really, and losing every opportunity to really truly effectively get through these circumstances in my life.

I have made the decision I will not be celebrating Christmas with my family, I have disconnected from them completely, and I have desired to leave just waiting for the right moment and the only place I can think of going is Ft.St. James where my father is buried. It almost seems like there is nothing else you know? no one else.. no where else...

To feel this way.. to be this way.. to act this way... to see myself... to truly see myself as I reacted, and acted in this course at school was a true opportunity to see the beast I am and the person that I am that's never really changed.


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