Sunday, December 27, 2009

back to the start

It's a little difficult to imagine this year coming to an end.. As I look back at all the crap I have endured, all that I put myself through.. wow if only I could even count for you how many times I ended up in the hospital, how many times I tried to end it all.. How many times I've watched friedns of mine come in and out of my life in a blink of eye.. I dont blame anyone who leaves my life if I could successfully leave my life I would too..I'm choas..I bring about an enormous amount of pain that is not needed for any relationship..
I mean even as I write these words my lady is a few thousand miles away and the last time I texted her was two days ago. look at the friend I am? I dont know how to talk to anyone when I feel the mess I feel now...the fears of everything, the many wrong things being done in my life that I have to feel the way I do.. i have to fix things that normally wouldn't be my place to fix but because it involves family members well that speaks for itself... some like me this way..the protective super human that I am when I'm protecting my family, but you know really... really underneath the shit of it all..I'm shaking outta hell being scared to death... wishing that I didn't have to play this role.. I dont like this person I am..because it's like..
you remember how I said i had changed? well when I become what I am now..those feelings, those urges return to me to become as i was and to just destroy myself to benefit the safety of my family.. the sacrifice for this kind of person I am is to sacrifice my own needs, my responsibilities, and my soul pretty much.. soon enough there won't be a me..there will just be this person that i tried to crucify those years ago..
so than.. we go too.. why don't i just leave? why don't i just walk away and let my mother deal with these issues at hand? why not give her the resources for all the needs here.. well that's simple because i don't trust that anyone can do what I do, and I don't believe my mom realizes the danger that has been brought onto them.

in this past we come to a close.. sadly enough..there is only one thing I would love to walk back too..and of course deep down there is that fighter...but for right now in my current circumstances all these things I'm facing... I say I wish i walked away...I wish that I didnt do everything i did..that one day... I was given a decision to walk away or fight... and sadly enough I chose to fight.. and the outcome of that is that I've destroyed a lot of lives, I've destroyed myself and I've wounded tons of people...I've lost people's trust, people's respect, and just friends all around because i stayed to fight...I didn't walk away..if I had walked away i wouldn't feel all I feel now, I wouldn't think that there was hope or reason...I wouldn't even think there was anything wrong with me and I'd still be tied up on old flames.. sadly enough this is not the case..and no matter what I say.. I can't seem to stand strong on how I wished I was back there..because deep down reality is that I wasn't satisfied I wasn't happy..but
I guess when I'm aware of all the problems I have, and all the things that make me less of a person well realizing I need to work on those things and yet looking back at all family my friends and seeing where they are at..once again I want to step back and not go forward.. I dont want to do it you know? doesn't make sense I'm crazy about staying where I was and not moving forward...

I look at this year...and all that I did all the pain I caused..and sometimes I can't even look at myself.. the first year I had an excuse for the pain I had endured..but this year... everything that I did I did on my own, by my hands I suffered, by my choices and decisions I single handedly destroyed my life..opportunity to become something or someone..this was the new goal.. to really believe in myself, believe in what people seen in me that was worth believing in.. however i dont feel it any longer.
I look at this year.. look at these damn scars and I regret not walking away.. I hated that I didn't walk away because as not happy as I was, I was comfortable not being aware of all the problems I have..and facing them now.. feeling the way I do..I just honestly wish I could start it all over again and walk away..

I'm frustrated... I'm really confused about everything..I mean even though I've hurt and been hurt, that I've broken hearts and lives, I have done something those things start the list of reaching out for help, getting a place to live, and getting into College.. so than.. maybe there is something else for me? And I have to get over my own pity of my own pain and the pain of others, those who don't forgive me for what i've done well it's their choice and it's their right..i've really been destructive.. but now.. i have to let it go..and even in that... I'm honestly tired of that idea... tired of letting go when really...
there are days I feel this worthless feeling of being alive, being a waste of air, being a waste of a good name... and just being as messed up as i am..with the kind of past I have.I feel like I don't deserve this you know? why me? why does it have to be me? I mean why can't it be someone else? Why does it have to be me?

How do people struggle with these things and yet find their way to victory? how can this happen, why does it have to be me? I can't seem to find my way through these times and honestly my body is on it's last straw of taking another beating..
I'm feeling lost.. what a suprise right? that I feel this way? i chose this you know? that's the bottom line..if I hadn't chosen this well I wouldnt be here right now..

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