Wednesday, December 30, 2009

your choice your future

I made the right decision..even in my own pain and loss of emotions of feeling of anything.. I made the right decision and did what made me feel feelings.. I had hoped that I'd walk into a situation honestly that would cause me anger but I guess I've been waiting for that long enough that the day will never come.
I went to see my lady... as she arrived so there.. so real.. so perfect.. the joy of having her return to this city... seriously something about my lady that just makes me smile.. even in trying to be angry trying to be something other than happy to see not possible.. We ended up spending a lot more time together than I had originally thought...which was pretty awesome for the just of it...sometimes the greatness, the goodness even if only an hour.. that hour or more was all I felt I needed to be okay with today..

I'm trapped in the idea of what the new year will come too.. The reality of things is that i have looked at this year... and last year...and I'm trying to find that thing you know? that thing that will make the new year different from the last two... the first year I was drinking like crazy for good reason I don't need to list off who died, and what the meaning of their deaths meant in my life.. this year... well death came again in a more hurtful way more painful than my own father's death which I could say is one reason I was drinking this year, and why i felt the pain and torment and have now manymany scars to add to this horrible collection of visible pain.
so... what could I change? what have I not tried that could be tried? I mean we've done the counselling thing for years now, I have been in counselling and even went further than that but what or how has it effected or changed my life? it hasnt really and it's been a really shitty deal for me..
For one of the first times in my life I cried out for help, I freakin screamed at the top of my lungs that I needed help but it was there temporarily.. it didn't last...just as much as my friends in my life these last two years that didn't last either..
I have been contemplating a lot of things...trying to find that one thing that makes me greater, makes me more alive..that makes me be able to withstand all that I am now facing.... I wish I could say the new year will bring about many victories and maybe it will...,but this following week will be risky and I will honestly tremble and feel fear for a fraction of a second before i turn into the beast...and rise up against the oppression that may try come against my family..

After that is over..

How or what do I need to do?? how will I find my way through these sorts of messes? how will I react, or act or what can i change now that has never changed before? I mean... if there is a fighter in me, if there is this part of me that can survive these events in my do I make that fighter come to choose to fight, to choose to live, to choose to love living, to choose to have do I do that?
even if I did that...what are the outcomes of enjoying my life...cause we can't forget what kind of person I am... the good cannot happen without the bad..and if the bad comes it will be created by my own hands because I'm not sure how much death I can deal with..and if I start thinking this way well how or in what ways can I change my thinking so that I'm not consumed by good without the bad..or consumed that I must create the bad so that i don't have to be dealing with unexpected badness...

Are you as confused as me?

i dont know... I don't even know where to begin... i cant fix anyone..I can't help anyone even if I want to beat the crap outta certain family members.. I have to stand at the sidelines... but one thing my lady said that got to to never give up on them... sadly enough I forgot about this.. Can you believe that?? I forgot what it felt like to not give up on someone, to love without limits.. i mean for my younger brothers and sisters it's easy for me to love them they are kids.. but for my brother and older sister...well it breaks me.. it makes me feel my heart feel it being ripped outta me as I see them doing thing Dave told me is that weed is no different any longer than hardcore drugs... cause you know what.. you don't know the difference anymore addiction is addictions...(phone call lost train of thought)
Either way.. I had forgotten my idea and choice and decision to never give up.. I forgot about this with my sister, with my brother even.. I have felt so consumed by all this stuff all the consquences of their choices and the ripple effects, I forgot that I loved without limits and especially towards these people in my life that make the choice and decision to struggle without addiction, aware or not..

wow!!! so consumed right now..

The new year.. needs to really look like a new year for me.. none of what it is or seems to be with me.. I need more outta this than what I have... cause I'm scared..that it's not going to be any different and it's going to hurt maybe less or more than these last two... I'm not sure how much more I can endure these moments and pains enough as is.. I need more goodness, I need more I need more reminders of what it means to love someone without limits, I need positive influences so that i never forget why I choose to be who I am now..

Struggle...struggle struggle..

Just for one day I wish....

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