Saturday, December 26, 2009

its over

the dishes are done.only took me couple hours to clean up the house...I am now sitting in my blue room listenning to the laughter of my two sisters... After writing lastnight I was reminded that life is not that easy for me... things are going to get real difficult.. and I'm worried about the situations that I will soon face... a real test of my heart, a taste of the strength in my fist, or my words..
I feel extremly sad about the events that happened lastnight... lets start off with the only person who can ruin anyone's life..his name is Bob.. he took my brother out on Christmas eve and they got was then after that my brother told me a situation that he will have to deal with at the cost of the safety of those I care for.. I won't lie.. I broke down in anger and frustration and took it out on myself..feeling like once again that I had failed..if only I would've known, if only this or that.these things won't change what he did..and now I must live with this fear..and hope that all my peeps who told me if ever I needed a favor they would be there for me...this is the time I might be calling up my boys.
I wrote a nasty e-mail to my lady... I was upset and I was scared.. I didn't know what to do.. this is a time of family, of love, laughter or just a sense of peace of mind..and instead within 25min my idea of christmas came to an realizing the circumstances I have now found myself in and the choices and decisions I make will determine the outcome of something that no family should ever face...once again a testiment to the burden that I find myself carrying in this family.

those are yesterdays worrys tho

I want to say.. regardless of all the worry and anger that i held.. I put on facade, I put on my mask for a day like today... to be enveloped with family... we laughed, we shared an unspeakable joy together that carries on as i write my thoughts...just downstairs my sisters are unaware of the situations or circumstances, or even the consequences that may arise... they won't know unless something I am now going to be here to make sure that doesn't happen. I'm going to call in my friend who is the only man I trust, the only person I know that could help me deal with this kind of situation
sorry off track again..this is honestly bothering me tremendously... and I wish that I could go back in time and make my brother make better decisions...I wish that I couldve been here for him the way he needed me to be...however the cost of that would've probably been my life because I was a real broken mess..and although in many ways I still am..there has been a change in my life..and no matter what I say or do my lady along with many others won't let me forget that there is change in my life...that I've come a long way since I was 18yrs old..making the decision for Ontario regardless that I'm sad at what's happened in my family since I was gone.. i realize that it was the best decision for me because I know now that if I hadn't made that decision I couldn't be here today.. was beautiful... this is all I wanted... was to sit an enjoy the joy in the eyes of my brothers and sisters even my mother... to see them happy.. we didn't argue, we all helped and we all worked together as a family.the way I had hoped could come to pass for so long. it wasn't about who did what, who didn't do this or that.. we all chipped in, we all got to enjoy a game system.. Wii can you believe that???? My family recieved a Wii system!! I couldn't believe it and how much fun we all had on it all day... it was only about three hours ago that we all started to wind down and stop playing..because my mom went to bed, and I went on a cleaning spree.. we shared an amazing dinner together...and than we watched my mom and my uncle Dave learn how to play Wii.. it was wonderful.. this is exactly how I would've wanted to spend fighting, no yelling, nothing like that...we all shared, we all communicated.. we all were here together spending Christmas together..enjoying new clothes, new games, new laughter, and just the joy that I had felt I needed.
for a brief moment I was able to get past what I might have to do or who I might have to become and i was able to enjoy myself and have some fun...i'm actually competitive when it comes to games I try my best and quick to learn and kick ass..

It doesn't change... what may or may not happen..and I now know what I have to do to protect my family..protect myself...and make the right decision no matter the cost.. I didn't get our family in this mess but you better be sure i'm going to get us out.. there is no way in the world I want my younger brothers and sisters to pay the price for something my brother decided to do..
it hurts me you know??

I wish...just for one day.. my father could be here.. to speak to the boys, to love them, and share his love and stories with tell them the price the consequence and cost that comes too when making selfish irreversible decisions...
I missed my father a lot today... as the girls made their father an account on Wii it made me think.. you know.. if only... if only.. I know things would be not as they are now if only he hadn't gone away..if he hadn't died..

I had start the new year with some goodness..but i feel I have thought very wrong an will be facing some unspeakable consequences of someone else's actions.. but once again this is where the person..the person i have been and will continue to be..the one that holds strong and unbreakable values in my family... to become the brick, the beast, the unbreakable person the rock, the everything that would prevent harm from rising up on any of them... I can't fail at this again.. I can't let them go through this alone..not after I've created all the respect from the streets, from close friends who have connections, from all my supports... I won't give up that easily..and I wont feed my brother to the lions..he will not walk through this difficult journey alone and I will be here for him..I am determined
I have decided to put all my stuff aside...what a suprise eh? lol and focus on getting my brother outta this mess he has found himself in.. and hopefully after that get him some serious help from someone anyone who is able to reach out to him in ways that I never will..

This was a good day..even with the bad news... it was good because I spent it with my family and i spent it here...alive...maybe broken bruised an bleeding but I'm here..and for now that's all I have you know? for now it has to be enough..because I can't give any more than I already have..

Merry Christmas everyone!

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