Wednesday, December 23, 2009

come so hard

well it seems at the moment my cat doesn't like my computer as I write the words of tonight my precious cat sits pretty close to my

Its kind of crazy to think of lastnight and how terrible I felt physically and how much it's different today and I'm sure it has a lot to do with the medications I've been taking.. however even with the medications I still didn't stop..I forced myself to get up and do stuff i fell asleep which was nice... but... than I went off helping everyone in the house and than by tonight I did all the dishes some with my brother and than i finished them off. I figure if anything I might as well do it as I wasn't tired.
It got me thinking...of some times I remember in the past...its so stupid that this comes to mind.. but most of the Christmas or so that I remember when it was a special occassion it was always my father who cleaned up and did everything... so tonight when I did the dishes I figured maybe he did them because it was his way of telling her he loved her, and wanted to help her.

I think the holidays are most difficult for me because I know he's not around and I'm not sure I will ever forget him or the times we had together... I know there were a lot of things he did that I didn't understand because I was so young, he was struggling so much... but he was also my all his glory in all his essence he was my father...and no matter the memories I have of him in whatever ways I have them...there isn't a time that I don't know what it's like to have him with me, to have him hold me in his arms, to cry in front of me..and to smile, laugh and enjoy some good times... I was thinking about it tonight as I was channel surfing looking for Christmas programs..I remember when I was a kid those cheesy christmas movies on TV how entertaining they were...and how lucky I felt to have been able to spend that time with my father... sitting on his favorite chair he held me in his arms... man alive could not describe how much I know I was loved by him, and since he's been gone...I think there's a lot of fear around trust, love etc.
Living life... living now... its difficult... with all my glory and goodness just like any human person I have my flaws too... some things I'm not proud of but things that I don't regret you know?

I mean of all things my scars as horrible as they are..they don't have to be my whole life you know? I don't have to be defined by these scars on my body...i could choose to rise above this darkness. I mean the past few weeks... have been beyond difficult for me to deal with and I have been in a place because of whatever reason I have....I have been scared and disappointed in myself and the things I've done and the way I've behavior is a major part of me that proves the brokenness in my soul as i struggled to figure out what was going to happen next.. this is not the way I had hoped my life would be..I actually wrote more than enough times that I didn't feel I would or could survive the next few weeks..that I would fail fall short or just end up messing it all up...
more and more how I've been prove wrong..the days are coming to and end of the year.. and I'm still here...I may be secluded but it's also now because I am sick that I have to stay indoors..

I'm not crazy.... I go off and on about many different things at the moment..I'm not really sure where everything is or how everything is supposed to be..if I choose right things or if I fall apart and just brokenness...
There is an emptiness in my soul..there is a fear of living. fear of many things... an all around shame of all i have put those I love through....a constant question I have that won't be answered because that day should not come..

this year... has felt like one of the worst years of my life..more painful than my father's death and more painful than all the deaths i dealt with last year. I look forward to this year ending and hope that if anything that the life that is fighting and raging in me will come forth so that I won't have to fight to live any longer..that it will just blossom in want to enjoy life the way it was meant to be...

well... hopefully tomorrow will be a day of rest because I'm feeling sick still and still have not taken a day for myself...

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