another song that I have come to really enjoy "think of me" by Haystack...Where to begin with words? I feel like a hassle eto my family my presence here is not welcome because I live by rules, guidelines and limitations...things that were taught to me by foster parents, by people who cared for my well being... things that made me smarter and protected in any situation... I have noticed that since my presence being here it doesn't seem to be that way at all.... it seems the opposite..I'm making people cry, making them do something other than nothing.... in the process of this I'm forced to see what kind of family I have...
Is it that terrible that I feel like I can't even be here for christmas? I cant put myself through this much longer.. I thought that I could withstand the flaws of my family to accept them as they are, and hope one day for change...regrettably this does not seem to be the case..As i continue to see someone in my family continously reach for a bottle....I can't stand this sight of him...this whatever it is that is in him that is causing him to act this way... its because of him that i feel like I can't be here any longer... I cant try help my family when they are comfortable with this kind of lifestyle...
You know whats really sad? I'm trying to fight my own demons on whether the events of now are my fault...those teenage years of acting that way, those years of torment...what am I talking about not even years ago less than eight months ago...I've destructed myself...and it had affected them and although I didn't force the bottle into his hand....well I wasn't a good example...not only that its almost like they are numb to it you know? Don't notice it or try to avoid it because of whatever reason...
i'm not looking forward to leaving...its honestly not what i want to do... I worry about them.. I worry about what they will do, or have done or what might happen to them... the amount of people in the house...well it seems my words are gold, I am the man of the house..I keep the peace, I keep protection...but the ultimate price of it..I guess is that I am the most despised person in the house.... for the first time in days weeks months I feel tears wanting to run down my face because I'm getting fed up..... I'm feeling the familiar feelings of snapping from the events I am forced to face with family... I'm not sure whats going to happen..I can only hope that whatever decision I make..I only make for my benefit...I have always been known to sit and be tortured at the expanse of my soul just for the safety for my family... I could be beaten and hurt badly before I'd ever turn my back on my family.
If only things were different you know...If only
I worry....I worry tremendously...that actions and choices and decisions I make now... instead of death, instead of drugs, instead of alcohol, instead of self abuse...what have I done? I feel like I'm not doing much...I feel like i'm causing more damage because my words can be venom and I can literally hurt more than help...
I guess....the time has come...to go back... go back to my home...go back and hope that the familly will take care of themselves... I can't do this any longer.. I worry for my safety how much more of this I can handle.... this is honestly breaking me...
Other than the drama of the house.... I guess..I'm trying to figure things out you know.. I'm not sure how I'm going to work through these times in my life..i just..i need to get through this.. i need to make the decisions for myself, in the eyes of my family they will see it as selfishness but reality is I'm good to no one until I take care of myself...and this is the first part to it...
who knows whats going to happen...what is the right decision.... whats the right words... I'm tired and exhausted to think of answers tonight...but I hope that I make the right decision before doing something stupid...no not stupid but just don't need any more of this crap of my own darkness mixed with family stuff..dont need that..
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