Tuesday, December 29, 2009

running circles

Its difficult for me to imagine having to write the words I'm about to write but I know it needs to be said.. this is my life.. and i can choose with it what i will because I am alright with it..
I have acted foolishly lately.. running back to old habits, old lifestyle old feelings even.. this worthlessness in me, this hopelessness that i want so badly.. no matter what i do there is life in me.. and lastnight when i talked to my mentor and friend it was proven very true.
I have surrounded myself with things of life that are not meant to be mine. dont get me wrong I have been here helping my family get through this time, and I've helped so many times.. but I realize the draining feeling I have felt for so long.. but deep down underneath this 'I dont care' attitude there in the depths of it all there is me... wanting to do better.. wanting to make better of the future of my situation.. i do want to change.. I want more outta life that what has been given to me...
I'm looking at this last year... well this year really.. and looking at the days that aare counting down too the new year... truth be told I'm afraid I'm going to fail.. I'm going to make poor decisions that I already have, and that I will hurt the people I care for the most.. my lady as much as it bothers me that she's with me, that she loves me, and that I am reminded of the pain I've caused her.. regardless of those things she is still with me..she is still loving me and standing by me even when I'm not me.. I am gifted with the greatest relationship ever known to the history of man kind.. no one in the world could ever be loved this much, to be cared for this much, to be able to count on someone, to be loved unconditionally and even to test that love and still realize nothing has faltered.. she is still with me..

I'm scared... right down to it right to the point... I'm scared that I am going to fail at living.. I'm going to ruin my life and everyone is looking at this new year as new opportunity, new goals, and just new things..and I'm looking at it and seeing the heartache I have faced this year will be carried onto the next year.. I will need someone with me to help me.. but I will also need to help myself in order to get that relationship I need to survive these horrific memories of this year.. I feel the tears welling up in my eyes as i realize how terrified I am..
Do you know how difficult it was? to look into the eyes of someone who loves me? someone who I've tested time and again and yet no matter what I did, what I said, how much it hurt her she still loved me this love was unconditional..there is nothing I've had to do to earn her love she just loves me..
I'm scared... I'm terrified that even though right now the only thing keeping me going is school. I'm scared I'm going to get back to the breaking point and I'm not going to make it.. so instead of thinking of how I'm terrified how scared I am... I'm trying to prove why I'm not worth it.. how this future of mine isn't worth it..

i mean... I am not family..this is true.. I have risen above all these oppressive things, and chosen to be more... choosen this by some miracle by the grace of God.. I am who I am now.. and yet even in knowing these things I still try fall back because... walking into greatness the work, the hard work of believing in oneself and moving forward.. this terrifies me.. and reality is that officer Michelle was right.. after a suicide attempt the reality is that the difficult thing about moving forward in life is trying to be okay with living..
I'm scared that I can't make it! I'm scared that these things that have haunted me this year will continue onto the next year and I will just continue this cycle of pain i have caused, and I have endured..it will all just continue to the next year..this is one major reason I'd rather not have made it through the holidays.

As the situations all come to mind.. as I see all that I have become and all that has happened.. all these past this past month actually.. I am realizing the oppression that is trying to suffocate me the things that brought me down in the past, the evilness of whatever it is...it's trying to break me down.. and I've allowed it.. I've sat and allwed the pain to come this way... I didn't try stop it I didn't go to help, and i didn't turn to my positive influences..instead i stayed where i am to be what I've always been, and do what I've always done... because this is the state of me that is comfortable..this is where i lose the will to change..
I'm crazy aren't I??? i wish i were..

reallity is that I am not... I am blessed beyond what I know..to have people in my life supporting me, to be loved this much, and to have whatever fighter instinc in me that has kept me alive all this time.. so where do i go from here?
My guess is that I have a choice to make.. to reach out for help to grasp more resources of people that can help me through this chaos of a mess.. that can guide me in these timse, or not even guide but support me, care for me when I don't care for myself..

I realize these things because I see what i am becoming and where I'm going..and as much as I want to let all the darkness envelope me all the pain just destroy me.. .I also realize that there might be more... there might be more to my life that can help others, apparently i have a gift for these abilities of helping others..
I really messed up lately.. I really lost it in these thoughts of mine.. and tomorrow might change tomorrow i might change, or tomorrow i will decide that this is who i want to be.. I will sleep on it because I am deprived of sleep as usual what a suprise... and hope that the rest will help my mind think more clearly.. but I know as I feel it now... the loss that I am beginning to feel and realizing what it is that i am losing..

im sorry.. that i keep getting lost.. that i can't make up my mind.. but i also can't make the right choices as much i had hoped i could.. life here in Vancouver has changed tremendously for me.. I am grown up now, and i am seperated from all the influential people that helped me in the past few years of my life...and their guidance, their opinion helped me.. helped me stay me. and not everything i am now.. without that.. without the right supports of those who love me.. well I am just a broken record continuing with the same tune until no one is left in my life to care about me..

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