hold on

Where to start in describing this journey or whatever that I seem to have found myself in? the cycle begins yet again to look at myself... my choices and options.. what a shitty situation it is for me to be staying in Vancouver when I know I need to leave... I made some choices that jeopordized that opportunity.. I'm not sure when and if I will recover from that..
I have complained many many times about supports, about family, about being treated with such disregard... my life does not matter, I don't matter.. everything I've fought for, everything I felt I lived for no longer matters.
Yesterday I jay walked... something I don't do an the reaction to that was simply unreal.. and yet in my head.. I felt like saying I'm not the same person any more.. I have gone from thinking of the future and it's existance everything I had hoped to be, all the school, living here.. and just tossed it out the window.... I tried to toss the gift my lady gave to me... to my suprise she would not budge... she would not take it back and she won't let me self-destruct..

I honsetly looked at myself... the last few days... few hours... and realized what a horrible person I am... unable to act my age, to share these feelings with anyone, not talking, not living, not breathing... looking into the sky wondering why... why am I here? why did I do this to myself? and what in the world.. how could people ask me to hold on!..
The last round of my life of fighting to live, fighting for my supports to stand by me... and than have them leave me this way... and than they wonder how or why I end up in the hospital.. feeling alone is not the feeling that I enjoy... well over a month now... and it's progressing to the point that now everything is my fault... everything... from the paper cut, to the yelling and screaming, to the agonizing inner pain that I feel inside of me... all my fault...
To have someone.. to have people....believe in me this much... to have them hold onto my life to worry, to love without limits, to not let me go.........what is expected of me to say is that its great... but honestly it's not great... it hurts... it hurts me to have them with me in this time, and to know where I am...
My lady sent me a message about fighting,or change... and the moment I read it.. the only word that came into my mind FEAR! this phrase is written in my father's journal it has two meanings and I have to choose what kind of FEAR that I choose to have these days... I can either stay here stay where I am right now, or fight for these people to help me right now...

I feel like a monster... I feel like there's this huge krpytonite in me that keeps people far away so sick at the sight of me, so afraid to get close to me...get too close well my darkness kills the goodness in their lives...because no matter what I do... I can't get through this, I can't destroy this part of my life that causes the destruction of my soul..
I am missing something... and I'm missing it real bad right now....

I'm not scared...I'm not angry...I'm not happy... I am what I am through these days of complete survival at a time like this... can't ask me to say words that have no meaning to me... can't ask me to be there when I know this is not truly me...
I'm not sure if or how I will make it to the new year...how I'll make it to Christmas... I just hope that hope would find it's way into my darkness so that I don't feel as utterly alone as I feel these days..

how could this happen? how did it come to this? and what's the point? what's the point!