Wednesday, June 17, 2009


Im sad to report the events in my life...the things I've missed and the place I've been... I really got messed up and nearly... ended it all... I have thirty stitches, plus four more on top of it... I really did a number on myself...and have never truly been able to stop thinking about it..

I dont know the events that led me to this place...the events as follwed were really messed up. and I will be going through some therapy to try get the strength back in my left hand... hope to work soon enough..

I was committed I think on June 2.. have just gotten out...and a part of me sadly misses that place misses that support... I know lots of people tell me there thinking of me and sending me good thoughts...but I just am feeling lost... vulnerable even...

There's one many times do I have to say much I love and cherish her? to have someone stand by me in this time...this tragedy...and all's she see's is the victorious person I will be one day...she really believes in me..and for that I will be eternally grateful...because it helped me get to where I am now....

Im recovering from many losses and much pain emotional truama... everything. im trying to make it by as best as I can...

a part of me is still afraid though... i really have this other side of me that often haunted me and still is there..this dark side...this beast...the monster that I was raised to be.... all that time i thought I was superman but really im the destruction...and it hurts to know how crazy i was an how messed up i got...i often cry about the events in my life of the times I've hurt myself and not known really what i was doing but just knowing i needed the pain to stop..

i dont know what the future holds...I dont know what kind of future will be for me..but im trying to get there...i've got a lot of people trying to help me an a good friend...and one family member who is trying to help me.... but i try and just focus on me....focus on my issues, emotions, and just be mindful of whats happening now...not tomorrow not yesterday..what's happening now.. im very much wanting to live but still a part of me is darkness..and i hope as i've got all these resources of help. i hope i find my way through this...because i really want to be done trying to end my life..

either out... tired

had a good day... my baby sister graduated elementry and is preparing for high school..i didn't miss this day and i could not be more proud of her because she truly is amazing and i know she will be great..she will do great in the times that come our way...i really am glad i didn't miss it.. and that i didn't do anything stupid earlier in this day...because i would've missed this event and it would've been so sad... but i didn't.. i was there..and i know she was happy to have me there..

its been an exhausting day for me...especailly with all the medications for pain, sleep, nerves etc.. but i just hope to heal quickly...and keep on keepin on ;)

i will find my way through this...but i do have to talk about the darkness...not now but sometime because it is still there...and it is still trying to squeeze its way into my thoughts, into my life, and events in my life...

good night

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