I can't find rest in any thing tonight... Im overwhelmed with all these thoughts... all this stuff that's going on deep in my soul. and not having anyone here with me, being alone...being here alone not fun. it makes me think, makes me feel.. so I decided after however long i've had this letter...I figure after my earlier post what better time then now...
I couldn't help but cry... to feel... reading those lines, hearing those words... as much as I want to despise my lady... those words soften my soul, and I just dont know how or when or why Im going to get through this, but I guess if anything...I'll trust... trust in her, trust in a higher power guiding me to the greatness.
That was one thing I didn't mention earlier is that I might a Christian woman on the Rez.. and we talked. and I shared with her all my stories about what God did for me, the feelings of his love, and the things he taught me...and that's why she cried and hugged me..she wasn't sure if I was supposed to encourage her, or she encourage me. but Im sure I helped her in some ways. I just got to talk about my lady...and how much I truly cherish her...
fighting back tears as I write...pretty tough...
What words can i say? how do I explain what it's like to have someone walk with me through stuff like this... all these things...all this stuff... all my time on earth it's always for a season, all my people in Ontario a season, all my childhood friends here..all a season... I dont even care if my lady is only in my life for a season... No one in the entire world has ever been there they way she had...two times... she had to come to the hospital...and she never left... I have cussed her out, I've been rude to her..I've freakin gone crazy... and yet there she is still there... I dont get why in the world.. I dont get why i do what I do... why I try so hard to push her away.
It's unfamiliar..unknown to me... the feelings of her being there... I can't describe to you what its like... I dont think ever in my life will I ever get over that... I'll never for the life of me forget that night, and having her there... It was one of the most painful nights of my life,..knowing how far I had gone, and instead of going through that night alone she was there...she didn't leave my side..
I read this letter.. and I was just like...man alive! is the person she believes in...does that girl exist?
It's hard to figure out where this future will be...I can't think of it..all's I can think about is here an now... I know I work six days a week..an thats it.. but to think other then that.. I can't do it. one of the messages she had left..the one...that I didn't like to hear... it got erased..every 14days the messages get erased...
I dont get it...I dont get this at all...and I really hope that at some point......that thing doesn't make me go far much longer...cause Im losing it.
The last day and a half..I been dealing with my hommies going through some tough ass stuff and talking about same shit I was talking about.. I dont know how to help them because Im still there myself, and then having heard one of my hommies doing drugs... that hurt me a lot.. I could've been like that you know? I could've been on drugs...and this hommie of mine was my best friend growing up, we had eachother's back..and hearing that... I just pray that if my hommie has mad respect for me..that they hear me... because I dont need to lose anyone else anymore... I really wish..
I wish if any desire that should be gone...would be drugs... cause I hate it..I hate that it ties you in and holds your life...I hate that it does that because I see all my people destroying their lives. I can only pray for them that they find a way out... and I hope that none of my people that in my life...ever do that..and if they do...they better believe I'll be out... as for my hommies I don't ditch that thing..I be there trying to help them until they can no longer hear me anymore...
Once again....Godfather has come back to living... taking care of all my people, and all these situations and times..and this is where I feel like Im not going to survive much longer.. because im not capable of helping out my people, or being there for them.. especially if Im still struggling with all my own stuff...
LOST! LOST! lost!
needed that letter though... it'll make tomorrow more productive then going and drinking with these hommies of mine..
laterz
Sunday, May 31, 2009
unsure
We live our lives the way we do. I been through some rough times things I can't remember and things I wish I didn't remember. I know what its like to go through rough seasons of life, learning from our mistakes...Living for tomorrow.
Today I was out talking to some people about my life...I couldn't believe what I said.. I said that I got no strength or hope to live the only reason Im making it by is because of my lady gave me that strength and hope. She laid that in my heart, there is not a day that goes by that Im just always thinking of her...I wondered for so long why she is in my life, why she cares or how she can put up with me...Then today..Once again it hit me, she is there here with me because she loves me, and she believes in me.
Its hard to remember three or four months ago the person she met, how did she find all this faith in me. I was chillin at a BBQ and met a woman and we talked a lot of in depth stuff and she cried and she got up and hugged me. she was inspired by me.
That's the person my lady fights for but Im afraid. Im afraid because there is a cycle of my life Im getting back into trying to find myself in the end Im losing myself to things that can and will destroy me.
I know what I have to do to get outta this, to step away from all that tries to destroy me.. It's harder then I thought.. I dont want to rant and rave the same cycle of pain....in my life.
But if only someone could just understand or feel what I felt and then have him be lost and gone forever...I feel like no pain is greater than that and I carry that with me... Or even it's not about understanding what Im saying...it's just knowing that everyone goes through loss differently. and because he was so close to me...it has hurt me more then anything ever could. All these people tellin me same thing..that he in heaven and he be my angel. and Im like shut it! dont say that to me..it doesn't comfort me...
How will I find my through this it just seems every few months things get more difficult.. more painful... Im becoming the person I was before I went to Ontario, I see that coming back. I feel like Im becoming a beast and her faith in me is keeping me contained...yet at the same time all's Im thinking is how long will this last...soon enough she lose her power over me, soon enough I ain't even going to listen to what she has to say. However...
That's one thing...Is that I trust her...and if she tell me that I'll get through this.. then I guess I better just believe her and for NOW...I'll walk this a little bit...
Very rarely are people in my life for long, soon enough all my destructivness, all my hate, and pain will be too much for anyone to handle..
Every few days Im force myself to listen to my voicemail messages to remember the terror I brought onto those who care for me...to hear those words, that weak voice, and read those texts the pain...every time I see it I remember it..I remember the pain I felt when I came back. when I stepped away from where I was and what I was doing.... I ain't never going to forget her voice, or her pain..how much shit I put her through all because I couldn't deal with it. makes me angry!
Im not sure...I...
ANyhow the thing about it is that I keep telling myself to live for the moment. live for right here right now. I can't think of tomorrow because when i think of that I think of all the obstacles in my path, all the hurt I put on others, or then suffering I've felt. I remember all these things. all these things that bring me hope, all these things that brought me life. And I get through each day. not every day...sometimes I just lie and say I made it through, Im doing everything in my power to just bury myself in whatever I can away from people, away from the old habits.. it's not working. I've found myself going the opposite way then the way I'd like to go. and it scares me but Im learning..and I only hope I'll figure this out soon enough.
Today...after however many years I connected wtih a friend...A lady I hadn't seen since forever and for me knowing she is there it was all that mattered... I didn't have to tell her anything but just knowing she is there makes all the difference...But this friend is someone I admire a lot, someone I trusted so much and us reconnecting made a difference...If there is anyone who'd understand everything Im going through, all these things I never say...she is the one lady.. and that's one thing is that I remember what she'd say...
I haven't told any of the stuff though... Im not ready. It is too much for right now...
I just living for the moment and hope that hope will find its way back into my heart. so that I stop hurting all those I love and care for...because If only you'd see how rough Im beginning to look you'd understand me... and even then... I dont even need to say anything else.. Im just getting frustrated with some events that have been happening in my life..and Im not sure how to deal with this, how to act...because there are so many things....
laterz
Today I was out talking to some people about my life...I couldn't believe what I said.. I said that I got no strength or hope to live the only reason Im making it by is because of my lady gave me that strength and hope. She laid that in my heart, there is not a day that goes by that Im just always thinking of her...I wondered for so long why she is in my life, why she cares or how she can put up with me...Then today..Once again it hit me, she is there here with me because she loves me, and she believes in me.
Its hard to remember three or four months ago the person she met, how did she find all this faith in me. I was chillin at a BBQ and met a woman and we talked a lot of in depth stuff and she cried and she got up and hugged me. she was inspired by me.
That's the person my lady fights for but Im afraid. Im afraid because there is a cycle of my life Im getting back into trying to find myself in the end Im losing myself to things that can and will destroy me.
I know what I have to do to get outta this, to step away from all that tries to destroy me.. It's harder then I thought.. I dont want to rant and rave the same cycle of pain....in my life.
But if only someone could just understand or feel what I felt and then have him be lost and gone forever...I feel like no pain is greater than that and I carry that with me... Or even it's not about understanding what Im saying...it's just knowing that everyone goes through loss differently. and because he was so close to me...it has hurt me more then anything ever could. All these people tellin me same thing..that he in heaven and he be my angel. and Im like shut it! dont say that to me..it doesn't comfort me...
How will I find my through this it just seems every few months things get more difficult.. more painful... Im becoming the person I was before I went to Ontario, I see that coming back. I feel like Im becoming a beast and her faith in me is keeping me contained...yet at the same time all's Im thinking is how long will this last...soon enough she lose her power over me, soon enough I ain't even going to listen to what she has to say. However...
That's one thing...Is that I trust her...and if she tell me that I'll get through this.. then I guess I better just believe her and for NOW...I'll walk this a little bit...
Very rarely are people in my life for long, soon enough all my destructivness, all my hate, and pain will be too much for anyone to handle..
Every few days Im force myself to listen to my voicemail messages to remember the terror I brought onto those who care for me...to hear those words, that weak voice, and read those texts the pain...every time I see it I remember it..I remember the pain I felt when I came back. when I stepped away from where I was and what I was doing.... I ain't never going to forget her voice, or her pain..how much shit I put her through all because I couldn't deal with it. makes me angry!
Im not sure...I...
ANyhow the thing about it is that I keep telling myself to live for the moment. live for right here right now. I can't think of tomorrow because when i think of that I think of all the obstacles in my path, all the hurt I put on others, or then suffering I've felt. I remember all these things. all these things that bring me hope, all these things that brought me life. And I get through each day. not every day...sometimes I just lie and say I made it through, Im doing everything in my power to just bury myself in whatever I can away from people, away from the old habits.. it's not working. I've found myself going the opposite way then the way I'd like to go. and it scares me but Im learning..and I only hope I'll figure this out soon enough.
Today...after however many years I connected wtih a friend...A lady I hadn't seen since forever and for me knowing she is there it was all that mattered... I didn't have to tell her anything but just knowing she is there makes all the difference...But this friend is someone I admire a lot, someone I trusted so much and us reconnecting made a difference...If there is anyone who'd understand everything Im going through, all these things I never say...she is the one lady.. and that's one thing is that I remember what she'd say...
I haven't told any of the stuff though... Im not ready. It is too much for right now...
I just living for the moment and hope that hope will find its way back into my heart. so that I stop hurting all those I love and care for...because If only you'd see how rough Im beginning to look you'd understand me... and even then... I dont even need to say anything else.. Im just getting frustrated with some events that have been happening in my life..and Im not sure how to deal with this, how to act...because there are so many things....
laterz
Friday, May 29, 2009
its friday
I wish I could tell you I've been busy all week working like crazy and that have not found the time to write...this is not the case... Im very disappointed in myself for having to say this but I've been drinking every single day after work. not a lot but had a few...and I've come home numerous times now that I've been pretty outta it...
Im not sure what's going on or why Im doing it... I mean the only thing I can think of is that it numbs the pain temporarily.. for times I drink or have been drinking Im not thinking about death, or pain or the hurt I've caused others...Im thinking about myself.. and wondering if I'll get through this, but because Im under the influence my thoughts go back to yep I'll get through it..
I had the strangest dream last night... I dreamt of one of my friends and that I had to help her find a map to Alberta? and the reason she was going there was to help her daughter. but as we were looking for the place she wanted to go..we ended up at splashdown park..I got distracted and dropped my phone...however one thing that my friend gave me was something maybe a napkin or maybe something and it had the two hearts that I had seen a few days ago.
either way I woke up after that...thinking of this friend of mine...because she's been a friend of mine for about ten years...and having her in my dream after calling her a few days ago.. not hearing back from her... shes the lady I would avoid telling anything to...that's also one thing I love about her...is that she's not someone who takes me for a stroll in the park..she gets down to business..none of this baby stuff...and although most of the time it makes me hurt for having to lay it all down before her... I also know that she knows best...and laying it all down is showing her how real I am...and that I truly wanna deal with whatever it is...
I need more friends that are not as nice... lol.. sounds stupid..but I've noticed the softness of them is shaping me...and I honestly don't like that... I dont want to be someone who will cry in a movie, and I don't want to be someone who just acts like a very ladylike.. idea... I dont want that.. it's not me... and for the moment I have too many people in my life...who are soft..
Yes I know for this season this time...it's important because I'm pretty fragile right now...
Isn't that stupid? that Im vulnerable? Im weak..and all this stuff of not knowing whether I would make it through this....I dont get why in the world Im in that state of mind... I mean I used to love my future the idea of it made me smile, the thought of it made me continue to dream. but now after everything I feel like that'll never really come....whether it does or not Im not sure.. I just hope it would..
anyhow..
laterz
Im not sure what's going on or why Im doing it... I mean the only thing I can think of is that it numbs the pain temporarily.. for times I drink or have been drinking Im not thinking about death, or pain or the hurt I've caused others...Im thinking about myself.. and wondering if I'll get through this, but because Im under the influence my thoughts go back to yep I'll get through it..
I had the strangest dream last night... I dreamt of one of my friends and that I had to help her find a map to Alberta? and the reason she was going there was to help her daughter. but as we were looking for the place she wanted to go..we ended up at splashdown park..I got distracted and dropped my phone...however one thing that my friend gave me was something maybe a napkin or maybe something and it had the two hearts that I had seen a few days ago.
either way I woke up after that...thinking of this friend of mine...because she's been a friend of mine for about ten years...and having her in my dream after calling her a few days ago.. not hearing back from her... shes the lady I would avoid telling anything to...that's also one thing I love about her...is that she's not someone who takes me for a stroll in the park..she gets down to business..none of this baby stuff...and although most of the time it makes me hurt for having to lay it all down before her... I also know that she knows best...and laying it all down is showing her how real I am...and that I truly wanna deal with whatever it is...
I need more friends that are not as nice... lol.. sounds stupid..but I've noticed the softness of them is shaping me...and I honestly don't like that... I dont want to be someone who will cry in a movie, and I don't want to be someone who just acts like a very ladylike.. idea... I dont want that.. it's not me... and for the moment I have too many people in my life...who are soft..
Yes I know for this season this time...it's important because I'm pretty fragile right now...
Isn't that stupid? that Im vulnerable? Im weak..and all this stuff of not knowing whether I would make it through this....I dont get why in the world Im in that state of mind... I mean I used to love my future the idea of it made me smile, the thought of it made me continue to dream. but now after everything I feel like that'll never really come....whether it does or not Im not sure.. I just hope it would..
anyhow..
laterz
Monday, May 25, 2009
ANGER
Hear them one more time..Im going to break my hand hitting a wall! yay! good times good times! everyone will be real happy after that!
...................
To find hope for a future....All that I have sacrificed, all that I've lost and your telling me to have hope, strength.....It terrifies me to even believe someone such as myself is capable of a future, someone like me is worthy to be alive. I know looking back at my life all those poeple I met, all the things I shared with them. It shows the true heart of me...but where does my heart lay? It feels like it does not exist. When really thinking of it... Those moments of greatness are seldom and I never last in that place.
I have believed that I would share my story, my life with all who come into my life and then rest my head and go to where no one can follow.. I want to live but I feel unworthy of such a gift, to live, to breath, to love and learn...gifts are for people other then me. I often wonder if its my childhood that makes me this way. unworthy of life, unworthy of happiness.. all those times I was abused or those times I tried to take my life.. After all that I've experienced I just feel like I dont know how to carry on. The burdens that lay on my soul... knowing all the pain I've caused, all the hate I have in my heart.
Then you get me thinking of the many adventures of my life...my accomplishments, those people that were here that have moved on, they carry a piece of my heart with them. How did I last for so long? This has become the most painful experience I could ever withstand.
To try and find my way through it...to find hope in this kind of turmoil is unbearable.. this event in my life drained me...it feels like Im a whole different person and everyone no not even everyone just one person is trying to bring me back that person she met months ago.
Its crazy to have someone stand with me through all of these events.. I remember back in my years when no one was there, no one came to the hospital, I was alone... And yet there she was crying in the waiting room...she didn't even care if I didn't want to see her, she wanted me to know she was there.they were there...
I was thinking about it and in Ontario a lot of people stood by me and at times are still there, but I guess that season of my life has ended.. But to have people there... Not even just that night the week earlier all they did for me.
Its so difficult to want to carry people with me through this. Im so scared it's like the time I choked my brother and threw him on the stairs, I have a crazy temper and often do things I regret. And to carry or have people stand with me through all of this darkness.. Im scared of what I will do, or won't do.
I will fail, I will fall and I'll wanna give up... To try and find hope... In myself in my future. I just wanna give up because Im scared... I feel the strength of fear surrounding me, my will to live is weak.. after these experiences, letting go of the man I loved and facing all these things...
Im scared...I feel like a fool being scared but the unknown awaits me each day I live... What if's, could have's, and should have's haunt me.... What if those ladies were not there, I could have done it, I should have not made that decision...
Then hearing the truth......the truth...the reality of it all... I was lied too...For comfort those people lied to me....to help ease my pain... That haunts me more then anything. I trust the person who told me they lied, I trust her with my life and so those people lied to me..
SO then Im back to square one, back to anger, back to hate, the flood gates have closed and Im not sure if the truth will prevail... what was the right decision? I got to stop haunting myself with all these questions but I can't help but question everything.
Tell me tell me again...why was it right... why wast his right because everything in my being is telling me it was wrong...How in the world...why why will I live my life....SHUT IT! I have too!
The joy of life......is those that Im surrounded by, the joy of life is remembering my heart... its like my heart was ripped outta me and burried but we are going to find it, find it and bring me back....
Cause I have those moments that were good but it feels like the bad is outweighing me, the weight of the bad feels like the burden of the world...
But I have to press on... But I guess Im not sure how to hold this event in my life... and most of the days I try not to think of it but I've allowed myself to be lost in a world that has begun to grow cold..
I have to figure this out because its draining the life outta me, fear is gripping me, holding me and killing me....
Not living...stopped living...you are looking at a facade of a person who once was someone great, but not, she is wasting away...that its that's how I feel...thats it here..and now these are the words.. I lived once...died another day an exact day...and have been transformed forever...for the worst of it all....maybe maybe not...maybe who knows...who knows what people see in me... who knows if that person still exists... I just know this is how I feel and Im losing my mind each day.. my temper is growing and Im getting more angry an now have to check out my hand at the doctor because I've lost feelin in two of my fingers...and it's so stupid... but I need to figure something out and maybe my alternative is the right decision..maybe it was right..maybe I should use my alternative until someone gives me a better one.
maybe I will find something one day...I don't doubt it sometimes...but today... after everything.. all these events of today...the yelling, the unworthiness... it makes me wanna stand and say ok Im going to stop eating until you think Im worthy of food, or Im gonna say ok Im going to stop everything in my life until you believe Im ready..because apparently..your rules, your house. I am not feeling worthy..if not that..the fear that guts each of these kids..they remember what I did, and they know what Im capable of...and I know I can't control myself at times when anger hits and because of all these experiences and events in my life...anger is thriving and hitting everything....everything
...................
To find hope for a future....All that I have sacrificed, all that I've lost and your telling me to have hope, strength.....It terrifies me to even believe someone such as myself is capable of a future, someone like me is worthy to be alive. I know looking back at my life all those poeple I met, all the things I shared with them. It shows the true heart of me...but where does my heart lay? It feels like it does not exist. When really thinking of it... Those moments of greatness are seldom and I never last in that place.
I have believed that I would share my story, my life with all who come into my life and then rest my head and go to where no one can follow.. I want to live but I feel unworthy of such a gift, to live, to breath, to love and learn...gifts are for people other then me. I often wonder if its my childhood that makes me this way. unworthy of life, unworthy of happiness.. all those times I was abused or those times I tried to take my life.. After all that I've experienced I just feel like I dont know how to carry on. The burdens that lay on my soul... knowing all the pain I've caused, all the hate I have in my heart.
Then you get me thinking of the many adventures of my life...my accomplishments, those people that were here that have moved on, they carry a piece of my heart with them. How did I last for so long? This has become the most painful experience I could ever withstand.
To try and find my way through it...to find hope in this kind of turmoil is unbearable.. this event in my life drained me...it feels like Im a whole different person and everyone no not even everyone just one person is trying to bring me back that person she met months ago.
Its crazy to have someone stand with me through all of these events.. I remember back in my years when no one was there, no one came to the hospital, I was alone... And yet there she was crying in the waiting room...she didn't even care if I didn't want to see her, she wanted me to know she was there.they were there...
I was thinking about it and in Ontario a lot of people stood by me and at times are still there, but I guess that season of my life has ended.. But to have people there... Not even just that night the week earlier all they did for me.
Its so difficult to want to carry people with me through this. Im so scared it's like the time I choked my brother and threw him on the stairs, I have a crazy temper and often do things I regret. And to carry or have people stand with me through all of this darkness.. Im scared of what I will do, or won't do.
I will fail, I will fall and I'll wanna give up... To try and find hope... In myself in my future. I just wanna give up because Im scared... I feel the strength of fear surrounding me, my will to live is weak.. after these experiences, letting go of the man I loved and facing all these things...
Im scared...I feel like a fool being scared but the unknown awaits me each day I live... What if's, could have's, and should have's haunt me.... What if those ladies were not there, I could have done it, I should have not made that decision...
Then hearing the truth......the truth...the reality of it all... I was lied too...For comfort those people lied to me....to help ease my pain... That haunts me more then anything. I trust the person who told me they lied, I trust her with my life and so those people lied to me..
SO then Im back to square one, back to anger, back to hate, the flood gates have closed and Im not sure if the truth will prevail... what was the right decision? I got to stop haunting myself with all these questions but I can't help but question everything.
Tell me tell me again...why was it right... why wast his right because everything in my being is telling me it was wrong...How in the world...why why will I live my life....SHUT IT! I have too!
The joy of life......is those that Im surrounded by, the joy of life is remembering my heart... its like my heart was ripped outta me and burried but we are going to find it, find it and bring me back....
Cause I have those moments that were good but it feels like the bad is outweighing me, the weight of the bad feels like the burden of the world...
But I have to press on... But I guess Im not sure how to hold this event in my life... and most of the days I try not to think of it but I've allowed myself to be lost in a world that has begun to grow cold..
I have to figure this out because its draining the life outta me, fear is gripping me, holding me and killing me....
Not living...stopped living...you are looking at a facade of a person who once was someone great, but not, she is wasting away...that its that's how I feel...thats it here..and now these are the words.. I lived once...died another day an exact day...and have been transformed forever...for the worst of it all....maybe maybe not...maybe who knows...who knows what people see in me... who knows if that person still exists... I just know this is how I feel and Im losing my mind each day.. my temper is growing and Im getting more angry an now have to check out my hand at the doctor because I've lost feelin in two of my fingers...and it's so stupid... but I need to figure something out and maybe my alternative is the right decision..maybe it was right..maybe I should use my alternative until someone gives me a better one.
maybe I will find something one day...I don't doubt it sometimes...but today... after everything.. all these events of today...the yelling, the unworthiness... it makes me wanna stand and say ok Im going to stop eating until you think Im worthy of food, or Im gonna say ok Im going to stop everything in my life until you believe Im ready..because apparently..your rules, your house. I am not feeling worthy..if not that..the fear that guts each of these kids..they remember what I did, and they know what Im capable of...and I know I can't control myself at times when anger hits and because of all these experiences and events in my life...anger is thriving and hitting everything....everything
Sunday, May 24, 2009
unsure moments
I feel like...everything that I've accomplished this last few days can all be ruined by my own worst enemy...myself... I ended up taking my family to the beach and we had fun and laughing, rollerblading...people seeing my weakness that Im terrified of rollerblading.. but got used to it after a while...but the thing was... with a phone call...someone talking to me rudely is something I can't stand... and within a flash my attitude changed..I sat alone on a bench for an hour...wanting to cry because I felt like crap when people talking to me that way.. after an hour..I said i was leaving..
I felt bad that I left because I should've stayed but I wasn't feeling well because of all the emotions...and of course...put me in a place alone for too long...these thoughts linger in my mind.. I felt so foolish to think of these things...but I wondered what would happen if something ever happened to me... I mean really... the world would go on...but the pain of my life would liinger into the lives of those I love. I couldn't believe how dramatically my mind went into these thoughts I haven't had that in a while...then of course..I rememebered my promise to my lady.. and I could hear it in her words the night I made some foolish decisions..and I remember hearing her cries..and Im not sure I can do that to her again...but I have my alternatives..which will hold me in place temporarily.
I still... honestly when thinking about everything I've been through..everything I've put those I love through..I can't imagine how I can be here today. I dont know what makes me go through life. how i get through each day... I sat at the beach..looking at the beauty of the world.. but my heart became cold..and I forced myself to listen to some messages I had saved on my answer machine..and it brought tears to my eyes...because I realize... that even if I have bad moments.. looking at everything I've accomplished..I took my brother out for dinner an a movie lastnight, I took my family out to the beach today..we had fun...and they seen my weakness of not knowing how to rollerblade anymore...
Then I started thinking.... what in the world is going to happen in my future... I mean really.. I can't imagine like honestly.. how can a future of mine exist..and I wish I could say what it is.. like really to ever...imagine my life becoming something more then this...to imagine that one day maybe in the far far far future I'll meet someone again.... oh just to think of it..makes me sick because Im still very much thinking of Sean... but a few days ago I went and picked up my cell phone and some guy that was picking up something at the phone store...decided to talk to me, and within 15min I had his number!! I was shocked...I mean really... there must be a drastic change in me to have been able to get a guys number..that was random..but to ever imagine someday becoming something other then what I always dreamed of sounds so scary.
everyday...I feel like although im getting one step closer to this future of mine.. the more Im starting to doubt myself and my strength. and wondering if I should be feeling something other then what Im feeling...because i still have so much to work through..so much to let go, and even though there are things I've let go of...well the mourning still exists..and the pain is still very much real...sometimes Im not even sure how I keep myself busy, or how I allow myself to block out the emotions.... I was sitting by the beach and turned to look behind me and seen a whole bunch of things that ripped my heart out...when I left I couldn't even look back because the pain was so there...and I could not imagine myself ever going back there...Im not ready to see any of that... and Im not prepared for the tears that follow...
I feel like... okay...really I feel like I should feel the way I do...I have put myself in this facade that Im fine..everything is fine, I have a job..I have a new phone, new everything...and yet under neath it all...life is crumbling before me...I keep trying...I keep trying to find hope and a future but there doesn't seem to be a way to see it, find it, feel it, an taste it.. I wonder at times if it ever really exists for someone like me...but I guess that's the reminder my lady gives me that she is the reminder, that hope...that future that exists..the pain that I will have to encounter for greatness to prevail... Im so scared of it though... I feel like giving up now...
Im so sorry that I say that...but after today after these last few days...after everything.. it almost seems like this is the only darkness I'll ever really know...and the less I talk about it the more the facade exists and takes over everything about me... I need to figure out what I need to do to survive...and for the moment...it doesn't seem to exsist.. its hard to imagine if this would ever stop...or if really if there is ever going to be a way through this... I hate myself for being this negative...but Im just feeling like Im playing a role now...Im not being real, and Im not being really here...im putting up all the right areas of my life...to be sure that everyone thinks Im alright..to tell everyone what they want to hear...rather then telling them what Im feeling.. cause if someone really knew how I felt...you'd not want to even know I ever was here... cause it's just unbearable things that go through my mind, thoughts that are my own worst enemy...and I feel like yet again..a downfall is not far off...and Im not sure what will happen this time around. I've already got some ideas set in my mind about some things to help prevent the ultimate thing that i wanted to do...but Im not sure how long I can last with these temporary moments...
I feel like screaming..cause it is driving me crazy... and I dont know what I can or will do in future events...I just hope that hope will be my guide, and that my heart truly wants to live and survive and thrive to greatness....
laterz
I felt bad that I left because I should've stayed but I wasn't feeling well because of all the emotions...and of course...put me in a place alone for too long...these thoughts linger in my mind.. I felt so foolish to think of these things...but I wondered what would happen if something ever happened to me... I mean really... the world would go on...but the pain of my life would liinger into the lives of those I love. I couldn't believe how dramatically my mind went into these thoughts I haven't had that in a while...then of course..I rememebered my promise to my lady.. and I could hear it in her words the night I made some foolish decisions..and I remember hearing her cries..and Im not sure I can do that to her again...but I have my alternatives..which will hold me in place temporarily.
I still... honestly when thinking about everything I've been through..everything I've put those I love through..I can't imagine how I can be here today. I dont know what makes me go through life. how i get through each day... I sat at the beach..looking at the beauty of the world.. but my heart became cold..and I forced myself to listen to some messages I had saved on my answer machine..and it brought tears to my eyes...because I realize... that even if I have bad moments.. looking at everything I've accomplished..I took my brother out for dinner an a movie lastnight, I took my family out to the beach today..we had fun...and they seen my weakness of not knowing how to rollerblade anymore...
Then I started thinking.... what in the world is going to happen in my future... I mean really.. I can't imagine like honestly.. how can a future of mine exist..and I wish I could say what it is.. like really to ever...imagine my life becoming something more then this...to imagine that one day maybe in the far far far future I'll meet someone again.... oh just to think of it..makes me sick because Im still very much thinking of Sean... but a few days ago I went and picked up my cell phone and some guy that was picking up something at the phone store...decided to talk to me, and within 15min I had his number!! I was shocked...I mean really... there must be a drastic change in me to have been able to get a guys number..that was random..but to ever imagine someday becoming something other then what I always dreamed of sounds so scary.
everyday...I feel like although im getting one step closer to this future of mine.. the more Im starting to doubt myself and my strength. and wondering if I should be feeling something other then what Im feeling...because i still have so much to work through..so much to let go, and even though there are things I've let go of...well the mourning still exists..and the pain is still very much real...sometimes Im not even sure how I keep myself busy, or how I allow myself to block out the emotions.... I was sitting by the beach and turned to look behind me and seen a whole bunch of things that ripped my heart out...when I left I couldn't even look back because the pain was so there...and I could not imagine myself ever going back there...Im not ready to see any of that... and Im not prepared for the tears that follow...
I feel like... okay...really I feel like I should feel the way I do...I have put myself in this facade that Im fine..everything is fine, I have a job..I have a new phone, new everything...and yet under neath it all...life is crumbling before me...I keep trying...I keep trying to find hope and a future but there doesn't seem to be a way to see it, find it, feel it, an taste it.. I wonder at times if it ever really exists for someone like me...but I guess that's the reminder my lady gives me that she is the reminder, that hope...that future that exists..the pain that I will have to encounter for greatness to prevail... Im so scared of it though... I feel like giving up now...
Im so sorry that I say that...but after today after these last few days...after everything.. it almost seems like this is the only darkness I'll ever really know...and the less I talk about it the more the facade exists and takes over everything about me... I need to figure out what I need to do to survive...and for the moment...it doesn't seem to exsist.. its hard to imagine if this would ever stop...or if really if there is ever going to be a way through this... I hate myself for being this negative...but Im just feeling like Im playing a role now...Im not being real, and Im not being really here...im putting up all the right areas of my life...to be sure that everyone thinks Im alright..to tell everyone what they want to hear...rather then telling them what Im feeling.. cause if someone really knew how I felt...you'd not want to even know I ever was here... cause it's just unbearable things that go through my mind, thoughts that are my own worst enemy...and I feel like yet again..a downfall is not far off...and Im not sure what will happen this time around. I've already got some ideas set in my mind about some things to help prevent the ultimate thing that i wanted to do...but Im not sure how long I can last with these temporary moments...
I feel like screaming..cause it is driving me crazy... and I dont know what I can or will do in future events...I just hope that hope will be my guide, and that my heart truly wants to live and survive and thrive to greatness....
laterz
Saturday, May 23, 2009
proud moments
The week has come to an end.. It has been productive, painful and just all around very much not the kind of week..that I wanna remember..lol
I feel like my emotions have been pushed to the limit.. I remember I think it was two days ago I just balled my eyes out because of the choices i've made...but all to better this apparent future that everyone believes in me for... not that I dont want that future...but tonight...
seriously tonight I've been put through enough.. hearing all the pain in the hearts of those who are drinking...the tough times come out when they drink... I know this myself because I get like that after I've had too many..however today I knew my limit and I knew when to stop..and I did as soon as my lady left..that was it for me...so I did well.. once again proud moment.. but then getting all these phone calls from all these people who are struggling...wanting someone there with them, or just needing to vent out the pain of their hearts. must be difficult..
I was nearly shot down tonight... as I looked at a phone call that came in a few minutes ago.. I almost sunk to the ground and died..it scared me because it was a hospital calling and the only person I thought of was my sister...but it was a cousin of mine...not sure what happened but she's there getting checked out... she is alone..and if I didn't have to work or if I wasn't home I'd be there for her...but the matter of fact is that she actually doesn't like me...she despises me and I just dont wanna put myself in any unsafe situation tonight...
I came home earlier...because I have to work in about five hours...or six hours..sorry.. but the fact of it all...is that I just wanna work...keep my mind occupied from all these things that try and linger and break the sense of a future...if that makes any sense...
I spent the day..wondering about this letter that my sweet lady more then likely has recieved and I feel that its that time that I need to continue saying what i was saying in the beginning.
It's crazy... I was walking down the street...wondering so many things that I can't write about.. but I know it's written on my face..I know this because my forewoman the other one while she knew what I had gone through without even needing to have been told...that scares me because it means its obvious..but I guess when those kinds of terrible tribulations come into one's life it does show...and sometimes at moments I'll wanna burst out and talk about it but other times I just wanna cry...
It's been two weeks since everything and I mean everything in my entire life has changed... for the better as so many people continue to tell me... but losing him...still lingers here..the heartache of that lingers here...
if not that...trying to find a way to move on....I know I applied for College, I said good-bye to Sean and then closed the door of my life of the slitting of my wrists... but there's so much more deeper inside that I've probably never seen.. and that's one thing I often think about you know? I mean in Ontario I was told that maybe there has been so many painful things happened in my life that my mind or something just blocked out all those years of my life that I can't remember. and maybe one day it'll come out...maybe that's the breakdown Im expected to have... not funny....
I find that strength in those moutains though... I find that hope the beauty of creation that surrounds us... to live each day to see what he has created..or to smell the roses, to hear the birds..to see the moutains....even under the influence....I could tell someone to live for the moment...cause honestly that's those moments..those moments carry you through the day. and that's something I told someone...if you decide you wanna drink not only know your limit, but enjoy life for the moment..enjoy life..if thats how someone chooses to do it..alright then.. but know your limit.. these words I even speak to myself..because I know as repeatively as it has been...I have known my limit and sometimes get pressured or angry and go over it.. and end up in the hospital..or hurting all those that I deeply cared for...not worth it at all..
I think if I were to regret anything in my life..it would be all the people in my life that I ever hurt..it wouldn't be about regretting the drugs, or alcohol, or the decisions I've made in my life. I find that those mistakes have formed the person I am today...however... for me to call someone up and tell them Im saying good-bye...breaking them the way that I had... to ruin them the way i had... what in the world was I thinking...how in the world was it in my head that it was the right thing to do..it would've been better to write a letter...not speak those words to someone.. how freakin crazy...however... with hearing her voice, her tears...I was able to see the person I was.. through her eyes I could see the greatness that she believes that sits in me... its amazing.. Im always amazed when things like that happen...
Im rambling on..and finally getting exhausted... I just have so much to write..but my mind is shutting down..been up more then enough for today! tomorrow its all about the Pita Pit to see that lady that I wanted to continue to know, encourage and inspire! cause we only live once!
I feel like my emotions have been pushed to the limit.. I remember I think it was two days ago I just balled my eyes out because of the choices i've made...but all to better this apparent future that everyone believes in me for... not that I dont want that future...but tonight...
seriously tonight I've been put through enough.. hearing all the pain in the hearts of those who are drinking...the tough times come out when they drink... I know this myself because I get like that after I've had too many..however today I knew my limit and I knew when to stop..and I did as soon as my lady left..that was it for me...so I did well.. once again proud moment.. but then getting all these phone calls from all these people who are struggling...wanting someone there with them, or just needing to vent out the pain of their hearts. must be difficult..
I was nearly shot down tonight... as I looked at a phone call that came in a few minutes ago.. I almost sunk to the ground and died..it scared me because it was a hospital calling and the only person I thought of was my sister...but it was a cousin of mine...not sure what happened but she's there getting checked out... she is alone..and if I didn't have to work or if I wasn't home I'd be there for her...but the matter of fact is that she actually doesn't like me...she despises me and I just dont wanna put myself in any unsafe situation tonight...
I came home earlier...because I have to work in about five hours...or six hours..sorry.. but the fact of it all...is that I just wanna work...keep my mind occupied from all these things that try and linger and break the sense of a future...if that makes any sense...
I spent the day..wondering about this letter that my sweet lady more then likely has recieved and I feel that its that time that I need to continue saying what i was saying in the beginning.
It's crazy... I was walking down the street...wondering so many things that I can't write about.. but I know it's written on my face..I know this because my forewoman the other one while she knew what I had gone through without even needing to have been told...that scares me because it means its obvious..but I guess when those kinds of terrible tribulations come into one's life it does show...and sometimes at moments I'll wanna burst out and talk about it but other times I just wanna cry...
It's been two weeks since everything and I mean everything in my entire life has changed... for the better as so many people continue to tell me... but losing him...still lingers here..the heartache of that lingers here...
if not that...trying to find a way to move on....I know I applied for College, I said good-bye to Sean and then closed the door of my life of the slitting of my wrists... but there's so much more deeper inside that I've probably never seen.. and that's one thing I often think about you know? I mean in Ontario I was told that maybe there has been so many painful things happened in my life that my mind or something just blocked out all those years of my life that I can't remember. and maybe one day it'll come out...maybe that's the breakdown Im expected to have... not funny....
I find that strength in those moutains though... I find that hope the beauty of creation that surrounds us... to live each day to see what he has created..or to smell the roses, to hear the birds..to see the moutains....even under the influence....I could tell someone to live for the moment...cause honestly that's those moments..those moments carry you through the day. and that's something I told someone...if you decide you wanna drink not only know your limit, but enjoy life for the moment..enjoy life..if thats how someone chooses to do it..alright then.. but know your limit.. these words I even speak to myself..because I know as repeatively as it has been...I have known my limit and sometimes get pressured or angry and go over it.. and end up in the hospital..or hurting all those that I deeply cared for...not worth it at all..
I think if I were to regret anything in my life..it would be all the people in my life that I ever hurt..it wouldn't be about regretting the drugs, or alcohol, or the decisions I've made in my life. I find that those mistakes have formed the person I am today...however... for me to call someone up and tell them Im saying good-bye...breaking them the way that I had... to ruin them the way i had... what in the world was I thinking...how in the world was it in my head that it was the right thing to do..it would've been better to write a letter...not speak those words to someone.. how freakin crazy...however... with hearing her voice, her tears...I was able to see the person I was.. through her eyes I could see the greatness that she believes that sits in me... its amazing.. Im always amazed when things like that happen...
Im rambling on..and finally getting exhausted... I just have so much to write..but my mind is shutting down..been up more then enough for today! tomorrow its all about the Pita Pit to see that lady that I wanted to continue to know, encourage and inspire! cause we only live once!
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Letting him go
It feels terrible to even imagine to write this...but I know that I have too.....
A few years ago I met someone....I met a man...someone that I began to love and cherish and still do to this day... I knew that moving back to Vancouver would mean the loss of the future with him... I could've stayed in Ontario and stayed with him... it was never a sexual thing it was the deeper then that...it was the strong connection...the love deep down...that we felt was so indescribale..
I met Sean... at a Hawaian party it was a Christian event and I met him there...it was a little awkward at first...but as got to know each other...we started to really like one another... we followed the church's wishes in not hanging out...but after a while..we began hanging out and talking about our lives, our tough times..and our deep desire to love God...obey him and honor him....It fell away slowly as we both started to step away from the church.
I stayed connected with him...I really loved him... I really cared for him... I had never been treated so greatly by a man...in my ENTIRE life...no man has ever honored me or treated me as greatly as he did... I remember the exact day our last day together..
I was heading to Belleville on a bus to visit some of my greatest friends....and he met me a few hours earlier... thinking he'd miss me he was running... and we went to have breakfast at all you can eat breakfsat restaurant... he had french toast and he even put salt on it...which I thought was so cute... As our time began to end...as I waited by the bus station...he held me in his arms and said he dreamed that this was the last time he'd ever see me...
I never thought that would ever happen...I can't even describe to you how much I regret getting on that bus... But I was visiting friends and then coming home to visit family for christmas. If I had known that I'd never see him again I would never have gotten on that bus..never left Ontario...
Our times together...were numerous to count...I have journal entries about the love I felt inside, the joy I had in talking to him..hearing from him..and being loved by him.. There has never ever been anyone in my life that could compare to the love I found in him..I know that he had struggled with his struggles, as I did mine...but we found a hope in one another as well as our love for God...
Since moving back to Vancouver...I've not entered into any relationship with men...I really wanted to vow to love Sean and patiently wait for him.... but coming up to nearly two years or more... I heard from him once.... three months ago... he told me loved me, and that he would come to Vancouver to be with me...I was assured of the love we had...I wanted to marry him, and love him forever..
I had never been in a relationship where a man respected me...loved me as deeply as Sean did. and it makes me sad to know what Im about to do...
I thought about the sacrifice I made when I moved back to Vancouver..and thought of returning to Ontario to find Sean...to be with him there...but I don't believe thats what Im supposed to do. I've found a hope in my future here in Vancouver...I've applied for College, and I have a job and my entire family is here... I knew that if he came to Vancouver to me..then I would move back to Ontario with him..marry him and live my life loving him..
I had counselling yesterday...and one major question was asked....and that was whether I would wait for him forever...and I would...but it's begun to be a dream rather then the reality of my life.. and with the experiences I've had since moving back...I would always wonder what he'd think of the choices I've made since moving back...
My counselor had put it in my mind to think about Sean...and think of whether I should wait any longer for him..since it had been a year since I had heard from him, and although he said he'd come I've not heard from him since then...
So I guess in the end... I feel like Im having to analyze everything..and realize... that my future needs to begin..my future needs to move on...and Im scared to do that...but I also know that I have found the strength for a great future, a hope for the future...a future I wanted to share with sean...but he's not here...and therefore I have to carry onto my dreams...I have to find my way through this...and hope that he'll know how he made me feel.... and how it's time for me to live my life..find God again and hope that God will do whats right for me....hope that maybe one day I'll meet a man as great as Sean...or maybe Sean will come...but I can't wait any longer...because it hurts so much...
I think about it often....thinking of his smile..thinking of his embrace..the way he made me laugh. the way he made me love....and the way he helped me through so much in my life... and I will never forget him... But I can't keep waiting for him... this is a drastic decision for me to make as quickly as I have...but it's been long enough for me to see that everything is clear and the time is now...
But to be loved by that man...to be loved like that...there is nothing greater in the world.. to be held in his arms...I remember when he said that he thought or dreamt he'd never see me again. I remember I reassured him that I'd be back in two weeks..and I would call him everyday. and I did we did talk...but then when I returned three weeks after and came to Vancouver and ended up moving back to Vancouver...
To be treated as great as Sean made me feel..to be loved and cared for as he did care for me.. I can't imagine if there would ever be a man as great as him...but I know that I can't wait for him. Im not sure what he's doing, where he in his life or his walk with God...but I really need to follow my dreams...
The loss of this...the feeling of knowing that I'm writing him to tell him what I have too...it feels like it's tearing me to pieces..my heart is breaking in knowing the words I will speak to him, and I wanna hear his voice one last time, I want to hear him tell me he loves me one more time.. but that one more time does not seem to come...and I have to stop waiting for him....
I feel broken...I feel hurt that he didn't come...but I can only hope wherever life takes him.. that he knows he is truly someone who deserves every great thing in this world, he is a great man that I will love and cherish for the rest of my life...
I dont know if this deicison is right...but I feel like I need to say it to him... to tell him that I've waited long enough..and its been three months...and it hurts to be waiting...and that I have to move on with my life...if I ever find a church in Van or ever anything I can't allow myself to be in this place....waiting for him...cause maybe one day I'll meet a man as great as him...or maybe he'll come...but I can't wait for him...I have to live my life to the fullest...I have to live my life to the fullest extent...and find the love in God...to heal these wounds that have now been here...
This is a hard day...I've spent eight hours at work thinking about it...wondering contemplating whether I am making the right decision..the end result is that I need to take care of me, and I can't keep waiting....cause he's made no effort since our last conversation. he told me not to get into a relationship with a man cause he was coming...and yet he hasn't called since then..
I can just put him in God's hands...and let God lead him..guide him..and if its not for him to come here...well I will never forget the love I felt with him..and I'll always miss him and love him forever..
I love you Sean <3
A few years ago I met someone....I met a man...someone that I began to love and cherish and still do to this day... I knew that moving back to Vancouver would mean the loss of the future with him... I could've stayed in Ontario and stayed with him... it was never a sexual thing it was the deeper then that...it was the strong connection...the love deep down...that we felt was so indescribale..
I met Sean... at a Hawaian party it was a Christian event and I met him there...it was a little awkward at first...but as got to know each other...we started to really like one another... we followed the church's wishes in not hanging out...but after a while..we began hanging out and talking about our lives, our tough times..and our deep desire to love God...obey him and honor him....It fell away slowly as we both started to step away from the church.
I stayed connected with him...I really loved him... I really cared for him... I had never been treated so greatly by a man...in my ENTIRE life...no man has ever honored me or treated me as greatly as he did... I remember the exact day our last day together..
I was heading to Belleville on a bus to visit some of my greatest friends....and he met me a few hours earlier... thinking he'd miss me he was running... and we went to have breakfast at all you can eat breakfsat restaurant... he had french toast and he even put salt on it...which I thought was so cute... As our time began to end...as I waited by the bus station...he held me in his arms and said he dreamed that this was the last time he'd ever see me...
I never thought that would ever happen...I can't even describe to you how much I regret getting on that bus... But I was visiting friends and then coming home to visit family for christmas. If I had known that I'd never see him again I would never have gotten on that bus..never left Ontario...
Our times together...were numerous to count...I have journal entries about the love I felt inside, the joy I had in talking to him..hearing from him..and being loved by him.. There has never ever been anyone in my life that could compare to the love I found in him..I know that he had struggled with his struggles, as I did mine...but we found a hope in one another as well as our love for God...
Since moving back to Vancouver...I've not entered into any relationship with men...I really wanted to vow to love Sean and patiently wait for him.... but coming up to nearly two years or more... I heard from him once.... three months ago... he told me loved me, and that he would come to Vancouver to be with me...I was assured of the love we had...I wanted to marry him, and love him forever..
I had never been in a relationship where a man respected me...loved me as deeply as Sean did. and it makes me sad to know what Im about to do...
I thought about the sacrifice I made when I moved back to Vancouver..and thought of returning to Ontario to find Sean...to be with him there...but I don't believe thats what Im supposed to do. I've found a hope in my future here in Vancouver...I've applied for College, and I have a job and my entire family is here... I knew that if he came to Vancouver to me..then I would move back to Ontario with him..marry him and live my life loving him..
I had counselling yesterday...and one major question was asked....and that was whether I would wait for him forever...and I would...but it's begun to be a dream rather then the reality of my life.. and with the experiences I've had since moving back...I would always wonder what he'd think of the choices I've made since moving back...
My counselor had put it in my mind to think about Sean...and think of whether I should wait any longer for him..since it had been a year since I had heard from him, and although he said he'd come I've not heard from him since then...
So I guess in the end... I feel like Im having to analyze everything..and realize... that my future needs to begin..my future needs to move on...and Im scared to do that...but I also know that I have found the strength for a great future, a hope for the future...a future I wanted to share with sean...but he's not here...and therefore I have to carry onto my dreams...I have to find my way through this...and hope that he'll know how he made me feel.... and how it's time for me to live my life..find God again and hope that God will do whats right for me....hope that maybe one day I'll meet a man as great as Sean...or maybe Sean will come...but I can't wait any longer...because it hurts so much...
I think about it often....thinking of his smile..thinking of his embrace..the way he made me laugh. the way he made me love....and the way he helped me through so much in my life... and I will never forget him... But I can't keep waiting for him... this is a drastic decision for me to make as quickly as I have...but it's been long enough for me to see that everything is clear and the time is now...
But to be loved by that man...to be loved like that...there is nothing greater in the world.. to be held in his arms...I remember when he said that he thought or dreamt he'd never see me again. I remember I reassured him that I'd be back in two weeks..and I would call him everyday. and I did we did talk...but then when I returned three weeks after and came to Vancouver and ended up moving back to Vancouver...
To be treated as great as Sean made me feel..to be loved and cared for as he did care for me.. I can't imagine if there would ever be a man as great as him...but I know that I can't wait for him. Im not sure what he's doing, where he in his life or his walk with God...but I really need to follow my dreams...
The loss of this...the feeling of knowing that I'm writing him to tell him what I have too...it feels like it's tearing me to pieces..my heart is breaking in knowing the words I will speak to him, and I wanna hear his voice one last time, I want to hear him tell me he loves me one more time.. but that one more time does not seem to come...and I have to stop waiting for him....
I feel broken...I feel hurt that he didn't come...but I can only hope wherever life takes him.. that he knows he is truly someone who deserves every great thing in this world, he is a great man that I will love and cherish for the rest of my life...
I dont know if this deicison is right...but I feel like I need to say it to him... to tell him that I've waited long enough..and its been three months...and it hurts to be waiting...and that I have to move on with my life...if I ever find a church in Van or ever anything I can't allow myself to be in this place....waiting for him...cause maybe one day I'll meet a man as great as him...or maybe he'll come...but I can't wait for him...I have to live my life to the fullest...I have to live my life to the fullest extent...and find the love in God...to heal these wounds that have now been here...
This is a hard day...I've spent eight hours at work thinking about it...wondering contemplating whether I am making the right decision..the end result is that I need to take care of me, and I can't keep waiting....cause he's made no effort since our last conversation. he told me not to get into a relationship with a man cause he was coming...and yet he hasn't called since then..
I can just put him in God's hands...and let God lead him..guide him..and if its not for him to come here...well I will never forget the love I felt with him..and I'll always miss him and love him forever..
I love you Sean <3
Monday, May 18, 2009
getting it done
Im back...back home.................. interesting!
I came back today because I had to go visit my uncle and I wanted to get that done today... upon my arrival though I guess there was a lot going on...lots of arguing my brother and mother were crying and instead of sticking around to deal with it...I just took my brother and we went to visit my uncle.. I dont know...how much longer I'll be able to be in this place. I just hope that things will work out soon enough...
Well other then that...I got a phone call that didn't settle well for me....I feel like because I've got a job now more responsibilites are coming onto me...as if I am to take care of family members and help them...I would if I could...but honestly I told that person I needed to take care of myself. this family member told me to stay home for longer stay for longer in this house...and I said no I can't. I love my family but Im not strong enough to be in this place...and I need to take care of myself...regardless that others may not understand that....no one knows really what it's like to live in this place... Im not happy about hearing the things I did hear today... I have enough of my own bills, and dreams and desires for my money and life...then to be forced to take care of everyone else...
apart from that...well I had a good time travelling to North Van. It was good to see the places that make my heart melt...being on the seabus was wonderful and I miss that alot...the only thing I thought about as I was travelling to North Van looking back to Van...was the Harbour Centre how exciting it will be to go there.... oh my goodness I've wanted to go there for so long and never had the money or anyone who wanted to go...and now I have found people who are coming with me no matter what!
Other then that...my weekend plans have been set already. Im taking my brother to see the wolverine movie because I've really wanted to see it and no one wanted to see it with me because they've already seen it...but my brother hasn't...so Im taking him with me! YAY!
Other then that I've got a lot of shopping to do...I guess if I do have enough money I'll be trading my phone in for a new one....I can't stand my battery and I can't stand that it's falling apart I can't survive with that for another year and half.
Now...below all these things.... under it all....emotional wise..
Im still feeling exhausted. Im feeling like I need to sleep....and just sleep....it already feels like the week has started and Im drained from it already. I love working it's very great experience and it feels like I've finally found something to do..
However...there are thoughts that still linger in my life..things that hurt and things that remind of things that I've had to deal with. but I know that it'll be ok...yesterday I found something so much greater...then I could ever expect...and when really given the opportunity oh man...to realize where my life is at, or what Im doing or have done.... as difficult as it will be in future events after my day at the beach...I know what I need to do...and I'll do everything I can to strive for greatness...not allow his death to swallow my whole, to destroy me..but for it to bring strength to me for a better future.
Its wierd though...I feel wierd that I haven't cried much lately...there is still alot of heartache and pain from everything...but I guess it feels like I finally found something greater...something for the future. or just the hope for the future. I sit here knowing that soon enough in a day or two I'll be applying for College... and soon enough I'll be paid and I'll be buying so much stuff... and just enjoying life from then on...
i dont want to write anything....I dont want to feel the need to write about anything else.. I just hope that I continue to stay in this place...stay in this place of reaching the future...even if it's one day at a time...I'll find a way..
My lady....man alive how amazing you are! To have someone like that in my life...to be encouraged and inspired by her...to have her there even when at times and I mean AT TIMES I may not want her there...she still is there...and when really when I was allowed to think about it.. the whole situation, how she has stood by me through this event and even though I tried so many times to throw her out...she still there...and I realized..how amazing she is...and how more and more she is truly an forever engraved in my heart because she has been superwoman for me. I just know now...I can do this...I'll be alright...even if it continues to try destroy me.. I finally seen some things that I did not see before..and therefore I've found the strength. found the hope and found the love to carry me through this!
laterz
I came back today because I had to go visit my uncle and I wanted to get that done today... upon my arrival though I guess there was a lot going on...lots of arguing my brother and mother were crying and instead of sticking around to deal with it...I just took my brother and we went to visit my uncle.. I dont know...how much longer I'll be able to be in this place. I just hope that things will work out soon enough...
Well other then that...I got a phone call that didn't settle well for me....I feel like because I've got a job now more responsibilites are coming onto me...as if I am to take care of family members and help them...I would if I could...but honestly I told that person I needed to take care of myself. this family member told me to stay home for longer stay for longer in this house...and I said no I can't. I love my family but Im not strong enough to be in this place...and I need to take care of myself...regardless that others may not understand that....no one knows really what it's like to live in this place... Im not happy about hearing the things I did hear today... I have enough of my own bills, and dreams and desires for my money and life...then to be forced to take care of everyone else...
apart from that...well I had a good time travelling to North Van. It was good to see the places that make my heart melt...being on the seabus was wonderful and I miss that alot...the only thing I thought about as I was travelling to North Van looking back to Van...was the Harbour Centre how exciting it will be to go there.... oh my goodness I've wanted to go there for so long and never had the money or anyone who wanted to go...and now I have found people who are coming with me no matter what!
Other then that...my weekend plans have been set already. Im taking my brother to see the wolverine movie because I've really wanted to see it and no one wanted to see it with me because they've already seen it...but my brother hasn't...so Im taking him with me! YAY!
Other then that I've got a lot of shopping to do...I guess if I do have enough money I'll be trading my phone in for a new one....I can't stand my battery and I can't stand that it's falling apart I can't survive with that for another year and half.
Now...below all these things.... under it all....emotional wise..
Im still feeling exhausted. Im feeling like I need to sleep....and just sleep....it already feels like the week has started and Im drained from it already. I love working it's very great experience and it feels like I've finally found something to do..
However...there are thoughts that still linger in my life..things that hurt and things that remind of things that I've had to deal with. but I know that it'll be ok...yesterday I found something so much greater...then I could ever expect...and when really given the opportunity oh man...to realize where my life is at, or what Im doing or have done.... as difficult as it will be in future events after my day at the beach...I know what I need to do...and I'll do everything I can to strive for greatness...not allow his death to swallow my whole, to destroy me..but for it to bring strength to me for a better future.
Its wierd though...I feel wierd that I haven't cried much lately...there is still alot of heartache and pain from everything...but I guess it feels like I finally found something greater...something for the future. or just the hope for the future. I sit here knowing that soon enough in a day or two I'll be applying for College... and soon enough I'll be paid and I'll be buying so much stuff... and just enjoying life from then on...
i dont want to write anything....I dont want to feel the need to write about anything else.. I just hope that I continue to stay in this place...stay in this place of reaching the future...even if it's one day at a time...I'll find a way..
My lady....man alive how amazing you are! To have someone like that in my life...to be encouraged and inspired by her...to have her there even when at times and I mean AT TIMES I may not want her there...she still is there...and when really when I was allowed to think about it.. the whole situation, how she has stood by me through this event and even though I tried so many times to throw her out...she still there...and I realized..how amazing she is...and how more and more she is truly an forever engraved in my heart because she has been superwoman for me. I just know now...I can do this...I'll be alright...even if it continues to try destroy me.. I finally seen some things that I did not see before..and therefore I've found the strength. found the hope and found the love to carry me through this!
laterz
Sunday, May 17, 2009
learning to live
Today awe my goodness spending that time at the beach..there is no greater moments in life that can be described....you'd have to see it for yourself of this great creation that follows us all around.
After some of five hours I think sitting at the beach I started to see the goodness of life again. I had said before that I had lost my strength and that I could not find it...
I believe that today is the day I found it. I figured out how to get past these events in my life. I realized how important it is to live and breath another day. My lady had told me about these inspiring stories I often tell her..how I should write about them... I could not even describe how much I'd need something like that. I realize that there are so many things that are good in my life, but when faced with difficult times such as now...It's hard to see past all of these things... I feel like I've forced myself to see the bad..but when talking when given the words to speak I could talk for hours of how many times I've had amazing people in my life..
I mean really...when given just a few minutes...of all the years of my life I was able to find the goodness of all those times. It seems every time something very terrible comes along someone comes along to help me through it.
The one most recent is the slitting of my wrists..something I dont talk about often but that I feel haunted by for so long now...for the rest of my life I am scarred...for the rest of my life emotionally and physically I have these marks on my body the constant reminder of the most difficult times in my life. yet if I could speak..then I'd remember people like my friend April... now she is someone that I admire more then anyone..her life has had difficult times and yet she was shown the love of God...like me she had people come into her life at the right times..to help her through these situations...
I miss remembering these things..the things that made me live...made me breath another day and Im not sure why I dont remember them.I think because i feel like I've been in this for so long all these things that hurt me...haunt me and Im unable to see past them... I can't see past the wounds of my life. Yet now that it's been brought to my attention...not by my ladies words but by writing..
Today I wrote a letter to someone...finally saying words that have been stuck with me for a while. I didnt want to say them because I didn't know how difficult it would be for someone like me to remember them...but as I was writing them...the memories of it all come to mind...
This terrible situation Im faced with now is showing me things I did not see before. I have the opportunity to change, I have the opportunity to survive to strive for greatness....I've allowed myself to enter into this place of darkness...but again like all things I'm given the choice. something that seems so dark to me...I have the opportunity to bring light into it...I could run from it or I can face it...along with all the other things in my life...
I am afraid of these things...because I believe it would force me to feel...to mourn. to feel the pain that I feel I've supressed for so long...to do these things...as difficult as they might be. I realize how important it is..
"being scared to do something but doing it anyway brings you strength/courage"
This is my opportunity...as afraid as I am....I could face every situaion that comes into my life be because..I might feel that I've lost all strength and hope..but there is truly something more to it. and although it'll be difficult and i'll wanna run.. I am finally ready to stand my ground.. I have found a good people, good friends, and I've got some amazing family members... I can get through every situation that comes into my life. i can find the hope of the future, I can find it by living each day...cause soon enough it'll be there..just like today...just like today seeing those moutains, seeing that ocean...seeing those children playing....it brought me something I had never had before...because I had been so lost with all the things in my life. Instead of looking at the goodness I've made myself see all the difficult things...adding them up...continually adding them up...not remember the little things in my life..
I am starting to find the strength. the reason to live.. the reason to reach my goals...as difficult as it might be...I have to start striving for that before I turn into nothing..cause I dont want that to happen in my life...I dont want everyone to be right about me, I dont want me to be right about me...I need to prove myself wrong and truly make it...
This situation..this death has really shown me so many things I didn't see before and as I walk through all the other emotions I believe that I'll find the strength to make it through all these situations as well.
I know truly..in my heart..in my life... I know now everything will be alright...
I needed that so much..I needed that..it didn't matter how many times people could say it to me it only became real when I allowed myself to believe it and truly seen the future...what I'll become...
everything will be alright..
After some of five hours I think sitting at the beach I started to see the goodness of life again. I had said before that I had lost my strength and that I could not find it...
I believe that today is the day I found it. I figured out how to get past these events in my life. I realized how important it is to live and breath another day. My lady had told me about these inspiring stories I often tell her..how I should write about them... I could not even describe how much I'd need something like that. I realize that there are so many things that are good in my life, but when faced with difficult times such as now...It's hard to see past all of these things... I feel like I've forced myself to see the bad..but when talking when given the words to speak I could talk for hours of how many times I've had amazing people in my life..
I mean really...when given just a few minutes...of all the years of my life I was able to find the goodness of all those times. It seems every time something very terrible comes along someone comes along to help me through it.
The one most recent is the slitting of my wrists..something I dont talk about often but that I feel haunted by for so long now...for the rest of my life I am scarred...for the rest of my life emotionally and physically I have these marks on my body the constant reminder of the most difficult times in my life. yet if I could speak..then I'd remember people like my friend April... now she is someone that I admire more then anyone..her life has had difficult times and yet she was shown the love of God...like me she had people come into her life at the right times..to help her through these situations...
I miss remembering these things..the things that made me live...made me breath another day and Im not sure why I dont remember them.I think because i feel like I've been in this for so long all these things that hurt me...haunt me and Im unable to see past them... I can't see past the wounds of my life. Yet now that it's been brought to my attention...not by my ladies words but by writing..
Today I wrote a letter to someone...finally saying words that have been stuck with me for a while. I didnt want to say them because I didn't know how difficult it would be for someone like me to remember them...but as I was writing them...the memories of it all come to mind...
This terrible situation Im faced with now is showing me things I did not see before. I have the opportunity to change, I have the opportunity to survive to strive for greatness....I've allowed myself to enter into this place of darkness...but again like all things I'm given the choice. something that seems so dark to me...I have the opportunity to bring light into it...I could run from it or I can face it...along with all the other things in my life...
I am afraid of these things...because I believe it would force me to feel...to mourn. to feel the pain that I feel I've supressed for so long...to do these things...as difficult as they might be. I realize how important it is..
"being scared to do something but doing it anyway brings you strength/courage"
This is my opportunity...as afraid as I am....I could face every situaion that comes into my life be because..I might feel that I've lost all strength and hope..but there is truly something more to it. and although it'll be difficult and i'll wanna run.. I am finally ready to stand my ground.. I have found a good people, good friends, and I've got some amazing family members... I can get through every situation that comes into my life. i can find the hope of the future, I can find it by living each day...cause soon enough it'll be there..just like today...just like today seeing those moutains, seeing that ocean...seeing those children playing....it brought me something I had never had before...because I had been so lost with all the things in my life. Instead of looking at the goodness I've made myself see all the difficult things...adding them up...continually adding them up...not remember the little things in my life..
I am starting to find the strength. the reason to live.. the reason to reach my goals...as difficult as it might be...I have to start striving for that before I turn into nothing..cause I dont want that to happen in my life...I dont want everyone to be right about me, I dont want me to be right about me...I need to prove myself wrong and truly make it...
This situation..this death has really shown me so many things I didn't see before and as I walk through all the other emotions I believe that I'll find the strength to make it through all these situations as well.
I know truly..in my heart..in my life... I know now everything will be alright...
I needed that so much..I needed that..it didn't matter how many times people could say it to me it only became real when I allowed myself to believe it and truly seen the future...what I'll become...
everything will be alright..
I need you now
What were do I begin with here? the sun has been shinning for two days, but two nights or less ago I went through some pretty rough times in my life..finally after a long awaited need I cried for help because finally got to the point where it almost seemed like there was no return.. I realize it now it's all those little things this past week of my life that led up to this event... It had been in my mind, and I had thought of it long and often...almost wanted to go to the place but I knew where I'd be at if I did go. I tried to make a promise to my lady but failed that night...
It takes something that stupid...for me to realize how much I have hurt people...these ladies in my life...were there an hour after i had been admitted into the hospital... to even begin to describe to you the relief I had knowing they were there... I could not feel more better about the decision I had made that night.
After some chatting for a bit last night...I realize where Im at...and I loved that she had said that Im at a crossroad...that I have to decide which life I want to live... It's so easy to remember those people who believed in me but also they believed Id become something else..they had a hard time believing..I'd be where I was....and even then where I am now...just the idea or fact that Im still growing up...still a year older....one year closer to the sweet taste of death!
Last night I realized....that I do truly and utterly want to live my life...but like mary said all those years ago...I've continued to allow fear to control my life...continued to be something that i fear living because of these things. I worry about that and yet.....Because I promised what i did and hearing this fear for itself...sorta helped me realize where I need to start with my life. My only hope is that I don't lose my mind like that again... I've got some pretty fuckin amazing people in my life... I have always seemed to find the people that encourage and inspire me for the time.. but to be able to enjoy life with them, hear them, encourage them and inspire them..now that's living. I can only hope that they won't worry about me after this past friday...Im not planning on entering into a situation like that again...because I finally realized what she had already knew and that was that I wanted to live... ....amazing!
It's now been offical....offically one week...since my life had changed forever...and all's I could think about is how could I have....written about it? all those things I felt before I even felt them I wrote them in a story that I wrote...I dont know what inspired me..but reading it now would be the strength for me...because I am where it was hard to allow myself to be accepted by others. I'd expect nothing less then to be scorned, outcast, or hurt by others often..and always. I really believed after all of this that was what I had deserved...and tried everythin in my power to be sure to find ways for others to hate me, or be disappointed in me...
After some thinking though...I've made a terrible mistake...thinking of letting go of people that inspire, an love me regardless of what they have heard, or what they have seen me go through. I'd totally be insane to let that go....but I just thought I didn't want this life.....this season of my life has proven time and again how terrifying it is for me... I feel like I've made more people cry then I've even allowed tears to flow from my eyes.
Im scared.....I mean I dont know what tomorrow holds. I dont know how I'll be feeling about my life...but after finally saying it...I realize that my lady is someone to inspire me...to look at her.. is to look at hope for my future...because she understands my pain and torment..and for her to be where she's at now...looking at me....man alive what was i ever thinking to let her go? Im scared though that as much as I promised her I'd live...I haven't been able to stand true to that..I told her Im looking for something to bring me strength....bring me hope..and for the moment I have nothing....
well I just am in the frame of mind...that there are things i need to do with my life. to find closure in areas of my life where I became...difficult...hard to be around..or closure for those times in my life where I didnt even imagine it could be the way that its become...
In the end I guess Im trying to live. trying to find a hope, trying to find the strength. and so far the first place Im feeling to turn too...is God. isn't that something?
It takes something that stupid...for me to realize how much I have hurt people...these ladies in my life...were there an hour after i had been admitted into the hospital... to even begin to describe to you the relief I had knowing they were there... I could not feel more better about the decision I had made that night.
After some chatting for a bit last night...I realize where Im at...and I loved that she had said that Im at a crossroad...that I have to decide which life I want to live... It's so easy to remember those people who believed in me but also they believed Id become something else..they had a hard time believing..I'd be where I was....and even then where I am now...just the idea or fact that Im still growing up...still a year older....one year closer to the sweet taste of death!
Last night I realized....that I do truly and utterly want to live my life...but like mary said all those years ago...I've continued to allow fear to control my life...continued to be something that i fear living because of these things. I worry about that and yet.....Because I promised what i did and hearing this fear for itself...sorta helped me realize where I need to start with my life. My only hope is that I don't lose my mind like that again... I've got some pretty fuckin amazing people in my life... I have always seemed to find the people that encourage and inspire me for the time.. but to be able to enjoy life with them, hear them, encourage them and inspire them..now that's living. I can only hope that they won't worry about me after this past friday...Im not planning on entering into a situation like that again...because I finally realized what she had already knew and that was that I wanted to live... ....amazing!
It's now been offical....offically one week...since my life had changed forever...and all's I could think about is how could I have....written about it? all those things I felt before I even felt them I wrote them in a story that I wrote...I dont know what inspired me..but reading it now would be the strength for me...because I am where it was hard to allow myself to be accepted by others. I'd expect nothing less then to be scorned, outcast, or hurt by others often..and always. I really believed after all of this that was what I had deserved...and tried everythin in my power to be sure to find ways for others to hate me, or be disappointed in me...
After some thinking though...I've made a terrible mistake...thinking of letting go of people that inspire, an love me regardless of what they have heard, or what they have seen me go through. I'd totally be insane to let that go....but I just thought I didn't want this life.....this season of my life has proven time and again how terrifying it is for me... I feel like I've made more people cry then I've even allowed tears to flow from my eyes.
Im scared.....I mean I dont know what tomorrow holds. I dont know how I'll be feeling about my life...but after finally saying it...I realize that my lady is someone to inspire me...to look at her.. is to look at hope for my future...because she understands my pain and torment..and for her to be where she's at now...looking at me....man alive what was i ever thinking to let her go? Im scared though that as much as I promised her I'd live...I haven't been able to stand true to that..I told her Im looking for something to bring me strength....bring me hope..and for the moment I have nothing....
well I just am in the frame of mind...that there are things i need to do with my life. to find closure in areas of my life where I became...difficult...hard to be around..or closure for those times in my life where I didnt even imagine it could be the way that its become...
In the end I guess Im trying to live. trying to find a hope, trying to find the strength. and so far the first place Im feeling to turn too...is God. isn't that something?
Thursday, May 14, 2009
can't freaking believe it
I can't believe this.. can't believe it.. I can't believe it.. i feel like crap. I shouldn't oh my man alive. I wish I didn't. look what happened..i messed that up..now Im going to have my heartache for that now... I can't believe it...can't believe it.. i can't believe it... what the heck. was up with that.
trying
The thing that sucks the most is that I could have a day where I can make it by and one little thing just throws me off...it's like there is all this stuff going on in my head...waiting to burst waiting to hurt..waiting to freakin scream. and the littlest things set me right off...I hate that about myself right now... I mean really...the littlest things...and Im just like trying to calm down trying to find something to calm me down because Im angry!!!!!
I need some good music right now...I need some space..I need to run the hell away from here as far away as I can get and never look back... I hate remembering all this stuff.. I hate that I hate everything right now...it makes me angry that I get so into this phase or whatever the hell this is. It makes me wanna freak out on someone, or hit the wall till I break my knuckles. I hate it so much...why do I have to be so childish..why can't I just write what it is...why can't I just say it!
I dont think Im broken. I think Im solid into this anger...I've allowed myself to be in this place for a week now... since everything happened, since he died..is the day I died.. and its hard to find the moments that will make me smile, it's hard to find that peace when I feel like this. i want to leave I want to be gone....not death wise..just away from all this stuff that is burdening me.. all this stuff that makes me ache, all this stuff..the only goodness I have is my cat..she is the only one that doesn't make me angry..she makes me love her even when Im angry...
I dont know...if Im doing the right thing..if living life like this is the right thing. I dont know if I can continue living it all like this... Its really difficult and I just want to hurt people. I just want to scream... I want to be left alone. I want my space. I want to have my time...
Do you know that everyday...every second of my life...there this build up..this hate.. this fear. All's I wanna do is find a place alone and just scream so hard...scream out this pain..scream out everything thats holding me back..bringing down..just freakin destroy it's hold me... I hate that its got me so good...its making me forget everything....forget living. forget loving. and forget everything that meant so much to me...
My place of rest today...was on the bus to work... seeing those mountains. i wish that I could've just sat there and looked at that all day.. because it brought so much peace to me... I mean it was early in the morning and the sun was just rising..and it was the most beautiful sight I've ever seen. I loved it...and it seems like it was so long ago since I seen that because Im starting to lose sight of everything..Im trying not too...but I can't help the pain..I can't burden this much longer, it's going to make me sick..its going to destroy me the more Im forced to bury this...
Do you know that everyday....sadly everyday damn day i have to go by a grave site? do you know how much it hurts me to see that...how much I want to freakin destroy that feeling in me that makes me fear that site..I dont even know anyone there, but the idea of that makes me sick.. makes me hurt... I can't believe how much it hurts me...
it hurts me more....that we're living life.... as if it never happened..as if he was never there.. tomorrow will be one week... and I can't even describe to you how horrifying it has been for me to count the minutes, days and seconds of knowing how long it's been since he left..
Is it alright to cry.. no it's not alright to cry..not in this place..not here.. I did last night.. and I wish that I could write the words of why it made me cry... because it was so stupid so small but it hurt so much... something that reminded me of him made me hurt so badly that I was crying till I cried myself to sleep. i can't seem to see the right area of this. i can't seem to find the silver lining I wish that I could. I wish I wasn't feeling this way... I wish that i could be happy.. because Im living...Im alive.. I have a job. I have something right now... I guess...it just seems so much more difficult dealing with this feeling as alone as I do.... laying in bed crying alone, and living each day alone... sad... not talking to anyone...about everything that hurts.. because I feel like it shouldn't be said..maybe it'll disappear like everything else.
If I could waste away..into nothing... stop eating. stop living. stop breathing I would..just because it feels like I am feeling that way. and it seems to be here.. I mean in this last week I've come home angry as hell wanting to kill people. and wanting to hurt people. and wanting to destroy everything in the world... I hate that I feel this way...I can't come home and be happy.. come home an enjoy my night.. i have to come home feeling angrier then words can say.. it's probably the coping machinism..of me... anger is always my best friend.. and I can't ever find something outta this... I wish that I could figure it out..I wish that I could break this cycle and find a way.. everything in Ontario...was so different.. so much...different... just thinking of it.. just thinking of it makes me wanna freakin cry for ever thinking of living back here.. but I can't leave.. I can leave Vancouver but I cant go through that again.. it would hurt me alot...
I just need to breath. I need to just breath.. to cry.. to live. to breath. to love. to enjoy a moment of peace.. I need it real bad right now...
I need some good music right now...I need some space..I need to run the hell away from here as far away as I can get and never look back... I hate remembering all this stuff.. I hate that I hate everything right now...it makes me angry that I get so into this phase or whatever the hell this is. It makes me wanna freak out on someone, or hit the wall till I break my knuckles. I hate it so much...why do I have to be so childish..why can't I just write what it is...why can't I just say it!
I dont think Im broken. I think Im solid into this anger...I've allowed myself to be in this place for a week now... since everything happened, since he died..is the day I died.. and its hard to find the moments that will make me smile, it's hard to find that peace when I feel like this. i want to leave I want to be gone....not death wise..just away from all this stuff that is burdening me.. all this stuff that makes me ache, all this stuff..the only goodness I have is my cat..she is the only one that doesn't make me angry..she makes me love her even when Im angry...
I dont know...if Im doing the right thing..if living life like this is the right thing. I dont know if I can continue living it all like this... Its really difficult and I just want to hurt people. I just want to scream... I want to be left alone. I want my space. I want to have my time...
Do you know that everyday...every second of my life...there this build up..this hate.. this fear. All's I wanna do is find a place alone and just scream so hard...scream out this pain..scream out everything thats holding me back..bringing down..just freakin destroy it's hold me... I hate that its got me so good...its making me forget everything....forget living. forget loving. and forget everything that meant so much to me...
My place of rest today...was on the bus to work... seeing those mountains. i wish that I could've just sat there and looked at that all day.. because it brought so much peace to me... I mean it was early in the morning and the sun was just rising..and it was the most beautiful sight I've ever seen. I loved it...and it seems like it was so long ago since I seen that because Im starting to lose sight of everything..Im trying not too...but I can't help the pain..I can't burden this much longer, it's going to make me sick..its going to destroy me the more Im forced to bury this...
Do you know that everyday....sadly everyday damn day i have to go by a grave site? do you know how much it hurts me to see that...how much I want to freakin destroy that feeling in me that makes me fear that site..I dont even know anyone there, but the idea of that makes me sick.. makes me hurt... I can't believe how much it hurts me...
it hurts me more....that we're living life.... as if it never happened..as if he was never there.. tomorrow will be one week... and I can't even describe to you how horrifying it has been for me to count the minutes, days and seconds of knowing how long it's been since he left..
Is it alright to cry.. no it's not alright to cry..not in this place..not here.. I did last night.. and I wish that I could write the words of why it made me cry... because it was so stupid so small but it hurt so much... something that reminded me of him made me hurt so badly that I was crying till I cried myself to sleep. i can't seem to see the right area of this. i can't seem to find the silver lining I wish that I could. I wish I wasn't feeling this way... I wish that i could be happy.. because Im living...Im alive.. I have a job. I have something right now... I guess...it just seems so much more difficult dealing with this feeling as alone as I do.... laying in bed crying alone, and living each day alone... sad... not talking to anyone...about everything that hurts.. because I feel like it shouldn't be said..maybe it'll disappear like everything else.
If I could waste away..into nothing... stop eating. stop living. stop breathing I would..just because it feels like I am feeling that way. and it seems to be here.. I mean in this last week I've come home angry as hell wanting to kill people. and wanting to hurt people. and wanting to destroy everything in the world... I hate that I feel this way...I can't come home and be happy.. come home an enjoy my night.. i have to come home feeling angrier then words can say.. it's probably the coping machinism..of me... anger is always my best friend.. and I can't ever find something outta this... I wish that I could figure it out..I wish that I could break this cycle and find a way.. everything in Ontario...was so different.. so much...different... just thinking of it.. just thinking of it makes me wanna freakin cry for ever thinking of living back here.. but I can't leave.. I can leave Vancouver but I cant go through that again.. it would hurt me alot...
I just need to breath. I need to just breath.. to cry.. to live. to breath. to love. to enjoy a moment of peace.. I need it real bad right now...
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
even in darkness
I guess I've been saying some crazy stuff lately. I want to apologize to my readers all around for that, I've caused some worries... of the words I been saying..
I want to reassure all my readers that I am now doing everything I can to make it through this, not by my choice but by the promise I made to my lady.
It's still been difficult... I wish that I could write the real reasons of what kind of heartache lay in my heart, the pain that I feel..not just emotional but physical.. the damage I feel I've caused. It's hard to explain to you when you don't know.. to experience such a time like this...is unbearable and i can't believe that people put themselves through this kind of pain.
I've had some crazy nightmares since everything... some crazy moments lately.. some messed up thoughts... trying to find the balance or even the healthy way of doing this... but I can't seem to find a place... I dont know why this keep going through my mind.. but I keep picturing myself facing something so big as high as a moutain...and the strength is not something I have, or the courage... I am not sure I can do it...but because I made a promise I'll try and see how it goes.
I feel like I've lost hope...in my life...in my future... I know that what every is saying. I know it was right...but it felt so wrong... it doesn't even excuse anything that I've done... I wish that I wasn't living because having to be someone to bear this scare for life is too tremendous. I have been going crazy from the thoughts and torments...and saying things that are true for the moment. It's not my intention to make people think I want to die... even though I might be feeling that way...it would never come through.. I know a lot of people would miss me and a lot of people are looking to see me make it...
It got me thinking though... I know I've never done some hardcore drugs...but for some reason I've been thinking I'd become addicted to something like that and end my life that way... I guess its the thought of my long time friend telling me that she thought that's what I'd become. as hard as that was to hear from her, I could see why she would think that because I know where I was headed... But Im also glad that I got my tattoo..in honor of my father..that was my vow my promise to him..that I would never touch that stuff...his death is living proof of what happens to people who decide to head down a road like that...
Through this whole experience..after writing everything I did to my lady..it got me thinking of my father...a rare thing for me...because thinking of him reminds me that he's not there, and I won't remember him...or I'll remember him and remember the pain that came to my heart when he died...I got to thinking of the way my father used to smile, oh to see him smile again... One major memory that touches me so much..Im not sure why...but when I lived in the other place.. he was there.. and he would be laying in bed watching T.V and the one thing you could only see when looking from far off..was his feet...those man feet..I would give anything just to see him again...he was my father..he was the one that loved me, he was the one...that I really cherished... I didn't know it then....but he loved me alot..and I felt that when I look back at the times he was there for me... he was the perfect father apart from his addictions...even in those addictions his love for me was strong... i just wish that his family would accept me the way he did... it would make it easier...because I really wanted to know so much about him.. I want to know about his earlier life...before he met my mother, before when he was a child.. I wanna know everything..every detail..every memory anyone has of my father...because he was my hero..
After talking to my lady yesterday. it got me thinking of what my father would've thought if I had decided to make such a poor decision..and I can honestly say it brought a terrible sickness to my stomach just trying to think of not being there with him... I dont want to disappoint him, I want to make him proud....I would give anything just to have him smile down at me.. and just send me the full memories of our times together... I would not want to disappoint him..
Anyhow... in the end of it all.. as much as I wanted to stay in my darkness..as much as it seemed like I had deserved this after everything I've had to go through... I guess the strength I have is not from me... the hope I have for the future is not by me... I feel weak...still enough as is.. but I found something to look forward to each day... and it's getting me through just the tiny bit of hope...
The emotional side of me... is going crazy.... today on the bus coming home...for the first time in four days or three.. I started to cry... I started to cry...missing the feeling , and it hurt... It's hard to imagine continuing on with life when I know...how much that has been done... Im scared of the future now...maybe Im afraid of failing...you know? maybe there's a lot of pressure.. because I feel like I have to do really well now because of this... but really I just want to curl up in my bed and cry my eyes out because the pain hurts so much... if given the opportunity and will I would lie in bed...crying...because that's how much my heart hurts...
I feel shattered from all these situations in my life...all these times of these stupid things.. I can't believe it's only been three months since I slit my wrists. I can't believe that... I even have slowly made it through that...and that Im not as ashamed as I was with my scars...at work I walk around with my T-shirt on and no one says anything... I dont know how I made it through that..but I guess it was my counselor when she had said...that she knew without a doubt that I was not trying to kill myself but that I had felt trapped and needed a way out... not death but needed a way out... so maybe that helped me alot..
as for this...everything... Im not sure....what to say about the silver linning..or the future that is here or coming...but Im trying..not by choice because if it were up to me I'd just allow myself to self destruct because i feel that ashamed, that much guilt and heartache from the things I've done... but maybe my lady is right..maybe it'll pass..maybe I'll find something to live for, something to look forward too...
Anyhow... I guess...if anything...Im trying..in the littlest ways Im trying... and Im still here. and im going to try find something better to do...but I also want to be sure to allow myself to feel. because honestly... me covering it up with anger... is not helping... soon enough I'll need stitches with how many timse I hit the wall, and I dont want to lay a hand on any of my brothers or sisters for something so small.. that I just am building up all this hate for myself that I lash out. I dont want that to happen...
I want to reassure all my readers that I am now doing everything I can to make it through this, not by my choice but by the promise I made to my lady.
It's still been difficult... I wish that I could write the real reasons of what kind of heartache lay in my heart, the pain that I feel..not just emotional but physical.. the damage I feel I've caused. It's hard to explain to you when you don't know.. to experience such a time like this...is unbearable and i can't believe that people put themselves through this kind of pain.
I've had some crazy nightmares since everything... some crazy moments lately.. some messed up thoughts... trying to find the balance or even the healthy way of doing this... but I can't seem to find a place... I dont know why this keep going through my mind.. but I keep picturing myself facing something so big as high as a moutain...and the strength is not something I have, or the courage... I am not sure I can do it...but because I made a promise I'll try and see how it goes.
I feel like I've lost hope...in my life...in my future... I know that what every is saying. I know it was right...but it felt so wrong... it doesn't even excuse anything that I've done... I wish that I wasn't living because having to be someone to bear this scare for life is too tremendous. I have been going crazy from the thoughts and torments...and saying things that are true for the moment. It's not my intention to make people think I want to die... even though I might be feeling that way...it would never come through.. I know a lot of people would miss me and a lot of people are looking to see me make it...
It got me thinking though... I know I've never done some hardcore drugs...but for some reason I've been thinking I'd become addicted to something like that and end my life that way... I guess its the thought of my long time friend telling me that she thought that's what I'd become. as hard as that was to hear from her, I could see why she would think that because I know where I was headed... But Im also glad that I got my tattoo..in honor of my father..that was my vow my promise to him..that I would never touch that stuff...his death is living proof of what happens to people who decide to head down a road like that...
Through this whole experience..after writing everything I did to my lady..it got me thinking of my father...a rare thing for me...because thinking of him reminds me that he's not there, and I won't remember him...or I'll remember him and remember the pain that came to my heart when he died...I got to thinking of the way my father used to smile, oh to see him smile again... One major memory that touches me so much..Im not sure why...but when I lived in the other place.. he was there.. and he would be laying in bed watching T.V and the one thing you could only see when looking from far off..was his feet...those man feet..I would give anything just to see him again...he was my father..he was the one that loved me, he was the one...that I really cherished... I didn't know it then....but he loved me alot..and I felt that when I look back at the times he was there for me... he was the perfect father apart from his addictions...even in those addictions his love for me was strong... i just wish that his family would accept me the way he did... it would make it easier...because I really wanted to know so much about him.. I want to know about his earlier life...before he met my mother, before when he was a child.. I wanna know everything..every detail..every memory anyone has of my father...because he was my hero..
After talking to my lady yesterday. it got me thinking of what my father would've thought if I had decided to make such a poor decision..and I can honestly say it brought a terrible sickness to my stomach just trying to think of not being there with him... I dont want to disappoint him, I want to make him proud....I would give anything just to have him smile down at me.. and just send me the full memories of our times together... I would not want to disappoint him..
Anyhow... in the end of it all.. as much as I wanted to stay in my darkness..as much as it seemed like I had deserved this after everything I've had to go through... I guess the strength I have is not from me... the hope I have for the future is not by me... I feel weak...still enough as is.. but I found something to look forward to each day... and it's getting me through just the tiny bit of hope...
The emotional side of me... is going crazy.... today on the bus coming home...for the first time in four days or three.. I started to cry... I started to cry...missing the feeling , and it hurt... It's hard to imagine continuing on with life when I know...how much that has been done... Im scared of the future now...maybe Im afraid of failing...you know? maybe there's a lot of pressure.. because I feel like I have to do really well now because of this... but really I just want to curl up in my bed and cry my eyes out because the pain hurts so much... if given the opportunity and will I would lie in bed...crying...because that's how much my heart hurts...
I feel shattered from all these situations in my life...all these times of these stupid things.. I can't believe it's only been three months since I slit my wrists. I can't believe that... I even have slowly made it through that...and that Im not as ashamed as I was with my scars...at work I walk around with my T-shirt on and no one says anything... I dont know how I made it through that..but I guess it was my counselor when she had said...that she knew without a doubt that I was not trying to kill myself but that I had felt trapped and needed a way out... not death but needed a way out... so maybe that helped me alot..
as for this...everything... Im not sure....what to say about the silver linning..or the future that is here or coming...but Im trying..not by choice because if it were up to me I'd just allow myself to self destruct because i feel that ashamed, that much guilt and heartache from the things I've done... but maybe my lady is right..maybe it'll pass..maybe I'll find something to live for, something to look forward too...
Anyhow... I guess...if anything...Im trying..in the littlest ways Im trying... and Im still here. and im going to try find something better to do...but I also want to be sure to allow myself to feel. because honestly... me covering it up with anger... is not helping... soon enough I'll need stitches with how many timse I hit the wall, and I dont want to lay a hand on any of my brothers or sisters for something so small.. that I just am building up all this hate for myself that I lash out. I dont want that to happen...
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
making it through
Well I was right work is really interesting.. As I finally finished six floors of work... this accomplishment got me thinking... you know...
I mean really I've lost a lot in this past week, went through some of the worst moments of my life, and had felt the most empty I've ever felt in my life. and I feel shattered and scared. however even in the midst of this chaos..this crap.. something came to mind and that was the fact you know..it wouldn't hurt me to try and apply for school..I can do my part and get it done and whether I get in or not who knows, but if I don't then well can't say I didn't try.. that's the important thing right?
I dont know I guess when accomplishing something like this I felt like I could do something better and even then not better.. but something that may benefit a future of mine. I dont know if Im thinking right.. but that's what came to mind
Oh man though that view.. so amazing.. so amazing. my hats off to whoever decides to live there. and I just like woohoo! for having the opportunity to be up there... I was talking to my lady and telling her that my place of comfort is looking at the view.. looking at those moutains.. looking at the ocean.. when I feel like shit or when Im feeling like I can't continue on..my place of rest is those moutains, that ocean... it's just like...the stars.. realizing there's something else.. you know?
Im angry... man alive am I ever angry. I hate living this place, I hate being in this place. I can't cry I can't do anything but be angry and be angry... like seriously everything pisses me off, and my mom likes to rub it in my face of how no one is helping her.. and its like you know what I freakin worked today and there is no way Im going to travel far away to pick up nothing that's desperatly needed. if no one wants to help her do anything then don't do it..who cares because really seriously I don't care... if none of this kids want to help her then whatever who cares. no eggs, no milk no nothing..who cares... no one will care... and they can whine and piss me right off. I need my own space.. I need to be able to come home and let my tears flow in a safe place.
I know whats happening to me... I know whats going on.. I know whats happening...and I feel it everyday.. I feel this pain. I feel the heartache..and instead of feeling it Im taking it out on every thing that could or would make me angry. I need my own place
I need to cry. I need to allow myself to feel something other then anger... because it's not going to help me in the long run. it's going to destroy me and cause pain to all that I love.
Im not sure what to do anymore... Im glad the thoughts I had of ending it all...are finally sort of kinda over... but when faced with a situation like this, it's almost feeling like there is no other way. and facing it the way that I am..doesn't help...IM angry.. Im hurt..I was thinking about it.. and yesterday I said I didn't know why I was pushing my lady outta my life.. and it hit me as I lay in bed... it's because this is an unfimilar road to me, this is a place of darkness for me.. this is my worst nightmare. my worst pain.. every horrible thing I've ever done in my life does not compare to this.. and therefore I want to become the worst nightmare. I want this to destroy me. I want this to take my life. I want to freakin scream at the top of my lungs how much it hurts, how much I hurt...how much I've let them down. how much I have truly hurt...
I deserve death... that's what I think... that's what goes through my head... I look at my life.. and see all the brokenness in the last year of my life.. I see all that stuff I did and see all those drinks I had, and those bad opportunities I had.. and I realize that none of that compares to this.. nothing can compare to the hate in my heart for myself... to not have done the right thing...
How foolishly selfish I am.. and how much I knew without a doubt it will be the ultimatly destroy me in the end...it'll rip me on the inside and soon enough I'll be done.. I'll forget why i was living, I'll forget what I wanted to do and I'll just end up... in a place I cannot come back from. and Im scared of the addiction. Im scared of the rage. Im scared that I'll truly mess everything up for myself..
I wish that I could write the true words..the real words. the real reason... the real pain.. but I can't. I can't even say it..because to me it's like it's not there...even though it haunts me and hurts me...words cannot be spoken not even to my lady..because she doesn't know what demons lie within me..she doesn't need to try and hear these hurtful hateful words..
so in the end..I face it alone..and even though...there are people out there.. Im still here alone.. sitting in my darkness..dealing with my pain and dealing with the worst moments of my life..
I hate that its gone. i hate that I had to go through all this stuff just find out how much it'll destroy me. how much it will scar me, wound me and break me. I cant continue to write you my pain because you won't even understand.. there is not a scar on my body that compares to this pain..that compares to this... I have so many scars from cutting, so many scars from living. but nothing can even be compared to this pain.. and it makes me want to do something stupid.. I feel stupid. I feel like Im not sure if tomorrow will ever come..
and of course if you heard it..you'd know how stupid I am being..and how much it's not even anything..but it doesn't matter because I dont care what you think. I know what I feel and I know what it's done for my future. I know how much it hurts me, and how much it haunts me.. you won't understand it... and it doesn't even matter.. I wish that life could've been better then this, different then this...
I really need something...something to bring me strength... because im about to burst outta weakness an pain.. Im going crazy. i feel it in my bones, and I feel the shattered pieces of my heart ripping through me...
I mean really I've lost a lot in this past week, went through some of the worst moments of my life, and had felt the most empty I've ever felt in my life. and I feel shattered and scared. however even in the midst of this chaos..this crap.. something came to mind and that was the fact you know..it wouldn't hurt me to try and apply for school..I can do my part and get it done and whether I get in or not who knows, but if I don't then well can't say I didn't try.. that's the important thing right?
I dont know I guess when accomplishing something like this I felt like I could do something better and even then not better.. but something that may benefit a future of mine. I dont know if Im thinking right.. but that's what came to mind
Oh man though that view.. so amazing.. so amazing. my hats off to whoever decides to live there. and I just like woohoo! for having the opportunity to be up there... I was talking to my lady and telling her that my place of comfort is looking at the view.. looking at those moutains.. looking at the ocean.. when I feel like shit or when Im feeling like I can't continue on..my place of rest is those moutains, that ocean... it's just like...the stars.. realizing there's something else.. you know?
Im angry... man alive am I ever angry. I hate living this place, I hate being in this place. I can't cry I can't do anything but be angry and be angry... like seriously everything pisses me off, and my mom likes to rub it in my face of how no one is helping her.. and its like you know what I freakin worked today and there is no way Im going to travel far away to pick up nothing that's desperatly needed. if no one wants to help her do anything then don't do it..who cares because really seriously I don't care... if none of this kids want to help her then whatever who cares. no eggs, no milk no nothing..who cares... no one will care... and they can whine and piss me right off. I need my own space.. I need to be able to come home and let my tears flow in a safe place.
I know whats happening to me... I know whats going on.. I know whats happening...and I feel it everyday.. I feel this pain. I feel the heartache..and instead of feeling it Im taking it out on every thing that could or would make me angry. I need my own place
I need to cry. I need to allow myself to feel something other then anger... because it's not going to help me in the long run. it's going to destroy me and cause pain to all that I love.
Im not sure what to do anymore... Im glad the thoughts I had of ending it all...are finally sort of kinda over... but when faced with a situation like this, it's almost feeling like there is no other way. and facing it the way that I am..doesn't help...IM angry.. Im hurt..I was thinking about it.. and yesterday I said I didn't know why I was pushing my lady outta my life.. and it hit me as I lay in bed... it's because this is an unfimilar road to me, this is a place of darkness for me.. this is my worst nightmare. my worst pain.. every horrible thing I've ever done in my life does not compare to this.. and therefore I want to become the worst nightmare. I want this to destroy me. I want this to take my life. I want to freakin scream at the top of my lungs how much it hurts, how much I hurt...how much I've let them down. how much I have truly hurt...
I deserve death... that's what I think... that's what goes through my head... I look at my life.. and see all the brokenness in the last year of my life.. I see all that stuff I did and see all those drinks I had, and those bad opportunities I had.. and I realize that none of that compares to this.. nothing can compare to the hate in my heart for myself... to not have done the right thing...
How foolishly selfish I am.. and how much I knew without a doubt it will be the ultimatly destroy me in the end...it'll rip me on the inside and soon enough I'll be done.. I'll forget why i was living, I'll forget what I wanted to do and I'll just end up... in a place I cannot come back from. and Im scared of the addiction. Im scared of the rage. Im scared that I'll truly mess everything up for myself..
I wish that I could write the true words..the real words. the real reason... the real pain.. but I can't. I can't even say it..because to me it's like it's not there...even though it haunts me and hurts me...words cannot be spoken not even to my lady..because she doesn't know what demons lie within me..she doesn't need to try and hear these hurtful hateful words..
so in the end..I face it alone..and even though...there are people out there.. Im still here alone.. sitting in my darkness..dealing with my pain and dealing with the worst moments of my life..
I hate that its gone. i hate that I had to go through all this stuff just find out how much it'll destroy me. how much it will scar me, wound me and break me. I cant continue to write you my pain because you won't even understand.. there is not a scar on my body that compares to this pain..that compares to this... I have so many scars from cutting, so many scars from living. but nothing can even be compared to this pain.. and it makes me want to do something stupid.. I feel stupid. I feel like Im not sure if tomorrow will ever come..
and of course if you heard it..you'd know how stupid I am being..and how much it's not even anything..but it doesn't matter because I dont care what you think. I know what I feel and I know what it's done for my future. I know how much it hurts me, and how much it haunts me.. you won't understand it... and it doesn't even matter.. I wish that life could've been better then this, different then this...
I really need something...something to bring me strength... because im about to burst outta weakness an pain.. Im going crazy. i feel it in my bones, and I feel the shattered pieces of my heart ripping through me...
Monday, May 11, 2009
written on my face
The pain is written on my face...as I walk.. as I sleep. as I eat. as I live. It's hard to find the strength to continue to continuing on. I have disconnected myself from the world because Im not sure what I can do..what can I do?
My lady is telling me to apply for College, to really make something of myself. how do I do that? I feel like there's so much pressure on me to do so well.. Im not sure after this experience I can do it.. I want too.. I want to become all that I have been created to be. I want to change the world one person at a time. I want encourage and inspire my family, friends, and anyone who comes into my life.
But how... how... can I do that? how can I share my future... how can I show my love and care when I feel this brokenness in my heart.. to feel the way that I do. empty. to feel like the world just came crashing down on me and I died that day.. How can I do this..how can I explain this to anyone ever again.
Im scared...Im hurt. Im empty Im crying..
I sat at work during lunch realizing how much this has truly effected me. I sat there in near tears.. the world around me continues on.. people pass me by smile at me, an there is nothing on my face. I feel like if people look at me now they see that emptiness.. that pain.. that hurt. that heartache.. those tears that rise to the surface...never seem to come all the way.
I want to live. I want to do everything I can to live.. but Im in a place where Im not sure I can do this..
Losing him...losing him... do you understand. can you comprhend what's happened what kind of thing this was.. what kind of pain this has caused... do you even know whats happened, how it happened. how much it hurt. how much it really literally ripped me two... the feelings overflow.
Instead...of allowing those tears to flow, instead of calling my lady...I sit... I find something to be angry about..it can be anything. it's losing my socks, losing the opportunity to smile.. the sun was shinning this afternoon and all's I felt like is that thunder and lightning I could not see the sun. I could not see the beauty of it all.
There's this song that comes to my mind
" Have you ever love something so much you give your life for, not the expression no literally give your life for. after so much time it becomes a part of you, you feel it beating inside like its the heart of you when a piece of it dies a piece of you dies. you sit alone in dark rooms you weep and you cry you say your goodbyes a million times but never seems right, hoping you can settle your differences in the next life. that's how I felt when I lost you, you was my main mother F....king dude"
That's how I feel..a piece of me has died. and the pain lingers here...trying to find a way to let it go but there is no existance of letting it go.. no way I could say good-bye... it hurts too much
but maybe like all things drama comes into this...Im dramatic..maybe that's what it is.. maybe that's it..maybe Im overreacting about how I feel...but maybe Im right...maybe if you knew what it was you'd understand what I've lost, and what I've done...and how much guilt I carry in my heart, deep in my soul that place has become dark from these wounds... forever wounded forever in a place of disgrace and shame.
I try to carry on...try to say good-bye try to let go of this season of my life.. but there is no hope for that...his death will forever haunt me... his death...if only I could've known. if only I could've done something different, if only I wasn't the way I was, if only I was smarter. if only I never put myself in a situation like that!
As for my lady.. well my plan so far is working...but it's not my choice..yes it is... I really am letting go, Im really saying this is it..but Im being childish. I dont want her to be there.. I dont want her to see what will happen to me...it's like one of those amazing people who goes through the worst moments in their lives, it in the end is the thing that truly destroys them.. that's what Im afraid of... Im afraid of going into a dark place, Im afraid that I'll really force myself into loneliness and I'll find myself with something or doing something I will forever wish I wouldn't even allow in my mind...but Im scared...she doesn't understand what I've done, and how stupid and foolish I've been....
what's the right thing? what do I need to do? how do I need to feel..how should I react...how should I let him go? how should I continue on...how in the world do you make it through somethign so traumatizing...and continue living! to plan for a future...when Im afraid that destruction for me is not far off! how in the damn world is that possible..how could I become what i wanted to be...in my broknness..in my heartache and pain. torment and hate.. how in the world am I to become all those great things she thinks I'll become..like all others thinking I'll make it.... Im just feeling like Im going to fail.....I feel like it's written on my face...
who knows...
im losing my mind and it's going to be crazy. maybe im just going crazy.
My lady is telling me to apply for College, to really make something of myself. how do I do that? I feel like there's so much pressure on me to do so well.. Im not sure after this experience I can do it.. I want too.. I want to become all that I have been created to be. I want to change the world one person at a time. I want encourage and inspire my family, friends, and anyone who comes into my life.
But how... how... can I do that? how can I share my future... how can I show my love and care when I feel this brokenness in my heart.. to feel the way that I do. empty. to feel like the world just came crashing down on me and I died that day.. How can I do this..how can I explain this to anyone ever again.
Im scared...Im hurt. Im empty Im crying..
I sat at work during lunch realizing how much this has truly effected me. I sat there in near tears.. the world around me continues on.. people pass me by smile at me, an there is nothing on my face. I feel like if people look at me now they see that emptiness.. that pain.. that hurt. that heartache.. those tears that rise to the surface...never seem to come all the way.
I want to live. I want to do everything I can to live.. but Im in a place where Im not sure I can do this..
Losing him...losing him... do you understand. can you comprhend what's happened what kind of thing this was.. what kind of pain this has caused... do you even know whats happened, how it happened. how much it hurt. how much it really literally ripped me two... the feelings overflow.
Instead...of allowing those tears to flow, instead of calling my lady...I sit... I find something to be angry about..it can be anything. it's losing my socks, losing the opportunity to smile.. the sun was shinning this afternoon and all's I felt like is that thunder and lightning I could not see the sun. I could not see the beauty of it all.
There's this song that comes to my mind
" Have you ever love something so much you give your life for, not the expression no literally give your life for. after so much time it becomes a part of you, you feel it beating inside like its the heart of you when a piece of it dies a piece of you dies. you sit alone in dark rooms you weep and you cry you say your goodbyes a million times but never seems right, hoping you can settle your differences in the next life. that's how I felt when I lost you, you was my main mother F....king dude"
That's how I feel..a piece of me has died. and the pain lingers here...trying to find a way to let it go but there is no existance of letting it go.. no way I could say good-bye... it hurts too much
but maybe like all things drama comes into this...Im dramatic..maybe that's what it is.. maybe that's it..maybe Im overreacting about how I feel...but maybe Im right...maybe if you knew what it was you'd understand what I've lost, and what I've done...and how much guilt I carry in my heart, deep in my soul that place has become dark from these wounds... forever wounded forever in a place of disgrace and shame.
I try to carry on...try to say good-bye try to let go of this season of my life.. but there is no hope for that...his death will forever haunt me... his death...if only I could've known. if only I could've done something different, if only I wasn't the way I was, if only I was smarter. if only I never put myself in a situation like that!
As for my lady.. well my plan so far is working...but it's not my choice..yes it is... I really am letting go, Im really saying this is it..but Im being childish. I dont want her to be there.. I dont want her to see what will happen to me...it's like one of those amazing people who goes through the worst moments in their lives, it in the end is the thing that truly destroys them.. that's what Im afraid of... Im afraid of going into a dark place, Im afraid that I'll really force myself into loneliness and I'll find myself with something or doing something I will forever wish I wouldn't even allow in my mind...but Im scared...she doesn't understand what I've done, and how stupid and foolish I've been....
what's the right thing? what do I need to do? how do I need to feel..how should I react...how should I let him go? how should I continue on...how in the world do you make it through somethign so traumatizing...and continue living! to plan for a future...when Im afraid that destruction for me is not far off! how in the damn world is that possible..how could I become what i wanted to be...in my broknness..in my heartache and pain. torment and hate.. how in the world am I to become all those great things she thinks I'll become..like all others thinking I'll make it.... Im just feeling like Im going to fail.....I feel like it's written on my face...
who knows...
im losing my mind and it's going to be crazy. maybe im just going crazy.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
time passing
As the time continues on... the memories linger deep in me.. each day I find that I find something to cry about, or even just the thoughts of how he has passed.
I have cut off some areas in my life that are uneasy for me. things that have me remember whats going on..
I have a support system and I have people who are there for me if I needed them.. how does someone reach out for that help when in a time like this? it's like everyday a new thought comes to mind..
I was watching one of my favorite movies.. and one thing that popped up was the image of how someone had to face the demons, face the fears and find strength in something... It was crazy because it got me thinking of what kind of strength I have these days... I've felt pretty weak, eating is hard, and crying is flowing.. but to find strength? Im not sure...how do I find strength in all that I have seen... the feelings in my heart overflow with the pain and torment of how much I've lost.
If only someone could truly comprhend what's happened... or how it's made me feel... This past year that I've lived back in Vancouver I've lost a lot of family and friends, but this loss is greater it seems. How do I explain this to someone?
This loss.. is like losing something so dear to me, something that love was all there.. it was a piece of me a part of me.. it was my love...
I can't describe to you the emptiness in my heart.. I can't describe to you the pain and torment. the guilt even of the choices I've made.. how much I miss this feeling...
as for strength... I loved watching that movie again..and seeing him overcome his fears, overcome something that could've killed him and striving forward. it made me realize that's how I feel.. Im not sure how he found that strength to get through that... its hard for me to find that strength.
Today I fell apart.. I flipped out and I knew I would.. and instead of sticking around to the tears and everything. I went for a walk. I was determind to see the beautiful mountains of Vancouver, I wanted to see the ocean. I wanted to go to the bridge...but I knew how weak I was, and I knew I could not go there.. I know my mindset is not in the right place. I feel bad for saying that..
If I could say for real what loss this is... for real what it has made me feel...
Tomorrow...I go back to work... continue returning to my life and the things that I do. but deep down...on the surface everything seems fine. but deep in me..the tears are flowing. my heart wants to break...my soul is empty. I feel hurt.. I feel scared. and I feel guilty.
There are people in my life that are helping me through this... but of all things the coping machinism has come up.. to face this alone... why do we do that? no more so why do I do that? it must be a weakness for me.. I had rehearsed many ways of letting go of people in my life.. do you know how stupid that is? to want to let go of those people? these people are people..not just people...a person.. a lady.. and yet even in the darkest moments of my life she has stood by me, and helped me through..yet even instead of accepting her love and grace. Im willing to throw that all away.. to say good-bye to her...to do everything in my power to let her go. why in the world! I have thought about it so many times. and I think it's because in the most vulnerable state that I am in, I tend to make mistakes, I tend to hurt others, and I tend to do things that i know near future I will regret. and I don't want her to see that.. she has seen the tears in my eyes, she has seen the brokenness of my life.. but this...
I am failing... I have failed. and I am full of the guilt and pain... I could not believe this situation. I mean I knew something would come up! I got a job, I have a future a plan..and this happens. I often say it...that I throw my mindset into a place of seeing the good knowing the bad is not far behind.. that's something I carried from my father's death..and have not found the place of letting that go...because it always proves true...
How do I say good-bye to him? How do I let him go? it's been two days...and my dreams take me to the moments of everything that happened, the memories. the love, the hate, the joy, the tears...the fears... nothing is able to take my mind out of this idea..this place.. Im forever in this state of mind.... he was a part of me, he was someone that could've looked up to me, someone that could've really done something with his life...
I wrote in a journal... about a letter of letting him go, and how difficult it's been..and how much tears flow from my eyes, how much it aches. how much Im shattered, and Im not sure I can find the strength. Im believing more and more that I'm not going to find that strength...that Im going to fall apart...that Im going to do something really stupid, or something that I can't turn back from..
I can only...try...
I will forever be haunted by this experience. this pain. this heartache...and I will always cry for him, and I will always miss him... I will always wish that things could've been better then this.
Im not certain... one of the effects that happens to me is that I am emotional....unstable. everyday is another day of tears...this loss is beyond what words can say, and Im not sure I'll find the strength to get through it.. I believe that if anything...if given the chance this loss has the opportunity to destroy me... because it has truly impacted my life in such a dark place...
I dont know... I can only try...
I have cut off some areas in my life that are uneasy for me. things that have me remember whats going on..
I have a support system and I have people who are there for me if I needed them.. how does someone reach out for that help when in a time like this? it's like everyday a new thought comes to mind..
I was watching one of my favorite movies.. and one thing that popped up was the image of how someone had to face the demons, face the fears and find strength in something... It was crazy because it got me thinking of what kind of strength I have these days... I've felt pretty weak, eating is hard, and crying is flowing.. but to find strength? Im not sure...how do I find strength in all that I have seen... the feelings in my heart overflow with the pain and torment of how much I've lost.
If only someone could truly comprhend what's happened... or how it's made me feel... This past year that I've lived back in Vancouver I've lost a lot of family and friends, but this loss is greater it seems. How do I explain this to someone?
This loss.. is like losing something so dear to me, something that love was all there.. it was a piece of me a part of me.. it was my love...
I can't describe to you the emptiness in my heart.. I can't describe to you the pain and torment. the guilt even of the choices I've made.. how much I miss this feeling...
as for strength... I loved watching that movie again..and seeing him overcome his fears, overcome something that could've killed him and striving forward. it made me realize that's how I feel.. Im not sure how he found that strength to get through that... its hard for me to find that strength.
Today I fell apart.. I flipped out and I knew I would.. and instead of sticking around to the tears and everything. I went for a walk. I was determind to see the beautiful mountains of Vancouver, I wanted to see the ocean. I wanted to go to the bridge...but I knew how weak I was, and I knew I could not go there.. I know my mindset is not in the right place. I feel bad for saying that..
If I could say for real what loss this is... for real what it has made me feel...
Tomorrow...I go back to work... continue returning to my life and the things that I do. but deep down...on the surface everything seems fine. but deep in me..the tears are flowing. my heart wants to break...my soul is empty. I feel hurt.. I feel scared. and I feel guilty.
There are people in my life that are helping me through this... but of all things the coping machinism has come up.. to face this alone... why do we do that? no more so why do I do that? it must be a weakness for me.. I had rehearsed many ways of letting go of people in my life.. do you know how stupid that is? to want to let go of those people? these people are people..not just people...a person.. a lady.. and yet even in the darkest moments of my life she has stood by me, and helped me through..yet even instead of accepting her love and grace. Im willing to throw that all away.. to say good-bye to her...to do everything in my power to let her go. why in the world! I have thought about it so many times. and I think it's because in the most vulnerable state that I am in, I tend to make mistakes, I tend to hurt others, and I tend to do things that i know near future I will regret. and I don't want her to see that.. she has seen the tears in my eyes, she has seen the brokenness of my life.. but this...
I am failing... I have failed. and I am full of the guilt and pain... I could not believe this situation. I mean I knew something would come up! I got a job, I have a future a plan..and this happens. I often say it...that I throw my mindset into a place of seeing the good knowing the bad is not far behind.. that's something I carried from my father's death..and have not found the place of letting that go...because it always proves true...
How do I say good-bye to him? How do I let him go? it's been two days...and my dreams take me to the moments of everything that happened, the memories. the love, the hate, the joy, the tears...the fears... nothing is able to take my mind out of this idea..this place.. Im forever in this state of mind.... he was a part of me, he was someone that could've looked up to me, someone that could've really done something with his life...
I wrote in a journal... about a letter of letting him go, and how difficult it's been..and how much tears flow from my eyes, how much it aches. how much Im shattered, and Im not sure I can find the strength. Im believing more and more that I'm not going to find that strength...that Im going to fall apart...that Im going to do something really stupid, or something that I can't turn back from..
I can only...try...
I will forever be haunted by this experience. this pain. this heartache...and I will always cry for him, and I will always miss him... I will always wish that things could've been better then this.
Im not certain... one of the effects that happens to me is that I am emotional....unstable. everyday is another day of tears...this loss is beyond what words can say, and Im not sure I'll find the strength to get through it.. I believe that if anything...if given the chance this loss has the opportunity to destroy me... because it has truly impacted my life in such a dark place...
I dont know... I can only try...
Saturday, May 9, 2009
losing you
yesterdy I lost someone so close to me...someone that touched every inch of my soul, his loss will forever be remembered in my life forever. It hurt to breath my life knowing his life is forever gone. I could not even put into words the feelings i have... I thought slitting my wrists three months ago was painful. Ive been proven wrong this loss has impacted my life..
People are telling me that his death will have to give me strength, give me hope for the future. help me strive to my goals. because he touched my life, he was my friend he was a part of me. and his death is a part of death of me..
The aches I feel are numerous to count... I cried I balled my eyes out lastnight as I invashined his life leaving...knowing I could not be there for him. knowing there was nothing I could do for him. but lay there watching him go.
How do I continue on with my life...how do I get through this. it makes me want to forget it. I'd take a drug just to avoid remembering what I've lost.. his life was my life...his soul touched my heart. I could not describe to you the friendship we had, the love that was there...we had only known eachother a short while but yet it was like it would've been forever.
the loss of this...has caused to me to become ill.. made me nausea's and made me have a hard time living...
Then I look in the eyes of these two friends of mine, these ladies who care for me, stand with me by me...and I realize they are here to help me through. because they know what I might do if left alone, I didn't drink, I didn't take drugs...for the first time in a long time I allowed the tears to flow from my life...
These friends came to my rescue...came to help me through such a time as this... it does not make the ache of my heart disappear. it just helps me see there's something more to my life. he showed me how to feel, showed me how to allow tears to flow to me. he showed me myself and showed me that my future holds such great things... if anything I'd live for now it would be to stand by him as he is in spirit and become all I told him I'd be.
Losing this friend...is just the beginning..
I feel like Im mentally losing my mind... i feel like dying, I want to feel pain I want to get hurt, I want to feel the pain of this event. however it does not help. instead I lie in bed crying the tears of someone who has lost a piece of me...
It felt like I was losing my father all over agian... or I was going through the emotions of slitting my wrists again..the shame, the guilt the fear... oh how I wish I could've not felt this pain. to not have to mourn his death. It hurts....
How do i explain how much it hurts? are there words that need to be spoken of how much it hurts? I dont think I need to share that with anyone. because Im sure everyone who decides to read this will understand the loss... there are people who've lost a father, mother, grandfather, grandmother, a child, sister, brother, uncle, aunt...there are people who've experienced the grief and dispair I feel now... what words need to spoken?
the sun was shinning...yesterday... I seen the sun shinning yesterday..it only brought tears to my eyes, I wanted it to rain, I wanted it to thunder...because yesterday was not a day to have this weather..yesterday was not a day to have the beauty...how do we look at beauty at a time like this?
I feel like I could hardly see life anymore... Im scared of living..Im scared of failing. Im scared this pain will never go away.. and I'll be in this place forever. I want to die. I want to somehow make this more tangible to me.
maybe im losing my mind. maybe im going crazy..maybe im mourning this death to greatly. but maybe this is truly what I need...and the best part of it all.. is these ladies here with me. standing near me... helping me... letting me cry. letting me feel... there is no one in the world that's ever let me do that...its not about talking, or saying anything...I could sit here alone crying, and they are my superwoman....this is like my kryptonite this kind of death is hurting me...
I can only hope I wont let him down. that I'll live...love and continue on with my goals...to become everything I told him I'd become...I pray that it'll work out... I know I will never forget his death...and I'll truly remember him forever..
R.I.P. <3 I love you forever!
People are telling me that his death will have to give me strength, give me hope for the future. help me strive to my goals. because he touched my life, he was my friend he was a part of me. and his death is a part of death of me..
The aches I feel are numerous to count... I cried I balled my eyes out lastnight as I invashined his life leaving...knowing I could not be there for him. knowing there was nothing I could do for him. but lay there watching him go.
How do I continue on with my life...how do I get through this. it makes me want to forget it. I'd take a drug just to avoid remembering what I've lost.. his life was my life...his soul touched my heart. I could not describe to you the friendship we had, the love that was there...we had only known eachother a short while but yet it was like it would've been forever.
the loss of this...has caused to me to become ill.. made me nausea's and made me have a hard time living...
Then I look in the eyes of these two friends of mine, these ladies who care for me, stand with me by me...and I realize they are here to help me through. because they know what I might do if left alone, I didn't drink, I didn't take drugs...for the first time in a long time I allowed the tears to flow from my life...
These friends came to my rescue...came to help me through such a time as this... it does not make the ache of my heart disappear. it just helps me see there's something more to my life. he showed me how to feel, showed me how to allow tears to flow to me. he showed me myself and showed me that my future holds such great things... if anything I'd live for now it would be to stand by him as he is in spirit and become all I told him I'd be.
Losing this friend...is just the beginning..
I feel like Im mentally losing my mind... i feel like dying, I want to feel pain I want to get hurt, I want to feel the pain of this event. however it does not help. instead I lie in bed crying the tears of someone who has lost a piece of me...
It felt like I was losing my father all over agian... or I was going through the emotions of slitting my wrists again..the shame, the guilt the fear... oh how I wish I could've not felt this pain. to not have to mourn his death. It hurts....
How do i explain how much it hurts? are there words that need to be spoken of how much it hurts? I dont think I need to share that with anyone. because Im sure everyone who decides to read this will understand the loss... there are people who've lost a father, mother, grandfather, grandmother, a child, sister, brother, uncle, aunt...there are people who've experienced the grief and dispair I feel now... what words need to spoken?
the sun was shinning...yesterday... I seen the sun shinning yesterday..it only brought tears to my eyes, I wanted it to rain, I wanted it to thunder...because yesterday was not a day to have this weather..yesterday was not a day to have the beauty...how do we look at beauty at a time like this?
I feel like I could hardly see life anymore... Im scared of living..Im scared of failing. Im scared this pain will never go away.. and I'll be in this place forever. I want to die. I want to somehow make this more tangible to me.
maybe im losing my mind. maybe im going crazy..maybe im mourning this death to greatly. but maybe this is truly what I need...and the best part of it all.. is these ladies here with me. standing near me... helping me... letting me cry. letting me feel... there is no one in the world that's ever let me do that...its not about talking, or saying anything...I could sit here alone crying, and they are my superwoman....this is like my kryptonite this kind of death is hurting me...
I can only hope I wont let him down. that I'll live...love and continue on with my goals...to become everything I told him I'd become...I pray that it'll work out... I know I will never forget his death...and I'll truly remember him forever..
R.I.P. <3 I love you forever!
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Live your life
Its really something... I start work in the morning.. a totally new time idea of what's going to happen in my life... a different place...sometimes I look in the mirror and wonder...how did this all come together? How is it like this?
I was thinking about today...as I strolled down the drive bumping into my cousins, family members and close friends..life is truly on the drive.. I met a lot of family members there.. a lot of memories as we strolled through the streets...the good ones mixed with the bad... the places I used to live, the life I used to have..the bad times I use to roll with...
Looking back at it now...I dont regret Ontario. Im glad that I went and got the help I needed, it was the extra push to get to where I am now, and where Im going in the future... If not for Ontario I would not have this future. I know that those people out there touched my soul, God touched my heart...and he changed my life, he brought people into my life to encourage and inspire me...
As I walked the streets of Vancouver and seeing the life I have....man alive it reminds me as I bump into old friends people who are not doing well in life... and I thank God for saving me. because I know without a doubt if not for his intervention and his love and grace I would've never made it outta Vancouver, I would've become what others that I was meant to be..
Now Im starting to work. and Im applying for Colleges.. and Im going to do whatever it takes to become more then that I've ever been, or been told I would be and I can't wait because..regardless there is no real excitement in me....it sits in my soul.. because truly this is a great time for me.. this is my time. my life and my choices...I have made good choices, stayed on track and it's starting to pay off...
It does not excuse the sacrifices I've had to make in my life. the difficult choices. the poor times in my life where I've had to let things go... I have had to carry on alone, or just leave.. there's a difficult decision that is coming up. and I know it could destroy me.. but I know for greatness to come, for great things of this future of mine to happen I have to make this decision because I know that I will do great things... and this sacrifice will be tough but I know that I have to look out for me... Im too great... I can't allow myself to be tempted by this life of terror. I couldve been so many things. but I have chosen my life to be this...to be the future...to be reaching my goals and acheiving my dreams I have to make this sacrifice.. I just know this is truly the right thing to do... but it'll hurt me.. not physically emotionally.
I think back to my life of the sacrifices I've had to make... when I decided to move to Ontario it was a sacrifice..to leave everything I had ever known and live in that place...it was a huge jump and change for me..but it was the best decision I could ever make. I now have to make a decision like that again.. I have to know that I am doing this because it'll better my future, make me a better person..it is the right thing to do.
I must say this... I've lived in Vancouver now for a year an half. Through "talking stick" festival I've met some fantastic wonderful amazing people....I have had opportunities to meet my mentor and friend Margo Kane. I have had crazy times in my life..I've made my own mistakes and done some stupid things...but I must say that there is someone in my life...that Im truly grateful for...she is a woman that truly believes in me...
I've met so many people in this world...I've met lots of people...but this girl...she truly touches my heart because she believes in me so much, she believes in my destiny my goals and my future. she believes in me...so much she is helping me through it all....these obstacles that come my way...she is helping me...not even just her...her and her roommate... do you know how crazy that is? I've known them for nearly two months (WOW!! WOW!) two months...these ladies have been in my life... believing in me and believing in my cause for the future... it rocks my world! i can't believe its only been nearly two months..and yet they have become a part of my soul, people that I look up too, people that I love because they believe in me!
All my life..if someone just wouldve believed in me when I was a kid..I might've turned out different. but all my life people have inspired me, encouraged me, and helped me..all for a season of time in my life...but these ladies...have touched my soul...they own a piece of my heart because it takes a lot of courage to want to believe in me...especially with the lifestyle I lived last year...however with all things I strive for change...strive for new beginnings and a better future.
WOW!
Today...regardless of the sacrifices I will make...these ladies really have inspired me and really in some ways saved me...because they encouraged me, and believed in me.. Im forever grateful to them for their love and care for me!
WOW!
Thats all for now.
laterz
I was thinking about today...as I strolled down the drive bumping into my cousins, family members and close friends..life is truly on the drive.. I met a lot of family members there.. a lot of memories as we strolled through the streets...the good ones mixed with the bad... the places I used to live, the life I used to have..the bad times I use to roll with...
Looking back at it now...I dont regret Ontario. Im glad that I went and got the help I needed, it was the extra push to get to where I am now, and where Im going in the future... If not for Ontario I would not have this future. I know that those people out there touched my soul, God touched my heart...and he changed my life, he brought people into my life to encourage and inspire me...
As I walked the streets of Vancouver and seeing the life I have....man alive it reminds me as I bump into old friends people who are not doing well in life... and I thank God for saving me. because I know without a doubt if not for his intervention and his love and grace I would've never made it outta Vancouver, I would've become what others that I was meant to be..
Now Im starting to work. and Im applying for Colleges.. and Im going to do whatever it takes to become more then that I've ever been, or been told I would be and I can't wait because..regardless there is no real excitement in me....it sits in my soul.. because truly this is a great time for me.. this is my time. my life and my choices...I have made good choices, stayed on track and it's starting to pay off...
It does not excuse the sacrifices I've had to make in my life. the difficult choices. the poor times in my life where I've had to let things go... I have had to carry on alone, or just leave.. there's a difficult decision that is coming up. and I know it could destroy me.. but I know for greatness to come, for great things of this future of mine to happen I have to make this decision because I know that I will do great things... and this sacrifice will be tough but I know that I have to look out for me... Im too great... I can't allow myself to be tempted by this life of terror. I couldve been so many things. but I have chosen my life to be this...to be the future...to be reaching my goals and acheiving my dreams I have to make this sacrifice.. I just know this is truly the right thing to do... but it'll hurt me.. not physically emotionally.
I think back to my life of the sacrifices I've had to make... when I decided to move to Ontario it was a sacrifice..to leave everything I had ever known and live in that place...it was a huge jump and change for me..but it was the best decision I could ever make. I now have to make a decision like that again.. I have to know that I am doing this because it'll better my future, make me a better person..it is the right thing to do.
I must say this... I've lived in Vancouver now for a year an half. Through "talking stick" festival I've met some fantastic wonderful amazing people....I have had opportunities to meet my mentor and friend Margo Kane. I have had crazy times in my life..I've made my own mistakes and done some stupid things...but I must say that there is someone in my life...that Im truly grateful for...she is a woman that truly believes in me...
I've met so many people in this world...I've met lots of people...but this girl...she truly touches my heart because she believes in me so much, she believes in my destiny my goals and my future. she believes in me...so much she is helping me through it all....these obstacles that come my way...she is helping me...not even just her...her and her roommate... do you know how crazy that is? I've known them for nearly two months (WOW!! WOW!) two months...these ladies have been in my life... believing in me and believing in my cause for the future... it rocks my world! i can't believe its only been nearly two months..and yet they have become a part of my soul, people that I look up too, people that I love because they believe in me!
All my life..if someone just wouldve believed in me when I was a kid..I might've turned out different. but all my life people have inspired me, encouraged me, and helped me..all for a season of time in my life...but these ladies...have touched my soul...they own a piece of my heart because it takes a lot of courage to want to believe in me...especially with the lifestyle I lived last year...however with all things I strive for change...strive for new beginnings and a better future.
WOW!
Today...regardless of the sacrifices I will make...these ladies really have inspired me and really in some ways saved me...because they encouraged me, and believed in me.. Im forever grateful to them for their love and care for me!
WOW!
Thats all for now.
laterz
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