whats going on

i spent the last few days in this world of pretend land..just thinking of the future, thinking of the past weeks and it's just like..where have I been? what have I been doing? Im learning more and more that Im getting farther away from everything that I should...

Im still very much confused at all this stuff going on and these people that are in my life and these aches that cause so much main, open wounds... scars.. and just thoughts of things that are beyond my ability to do anything about them.

so from the beginning I went drinking friday and found myself in a situation that I wasn't sure I wanted to be in. I tried to be responsible and reasonable and putting myself in someone else' shoes but after a couple drinks there is no way you can...be responsibile or reasonable.. or anything for that matter.. I mean it just was not a good situation for me... Im needing to still hide and be gone..just turn off my phone and just hide..just be hidden.. just get away from the internet and get away from everything...

maybe Sunday will be the day i turn off my phone and turn myself away from my internet and my thoughts might be more clear. I find that when I am able to just sit in my room and write on paper it often helps me learn things I could not see, more so saying I gain perspective when I allow myself to just step back and look at all that's going on.

I hear news that hurts and wounds...and then I hurt and wound because I have no idea what else I can and should be doing.

There's this story continually popping up in my mind.. it's by Tracey Stewart and amazing woman of God.. I had a DVD of her great preaching...
this one part has been coming to my mind often...
she was talking about Jesus being on the cross... and how if she were in that place at that time she would be telling Jesus "we aren't worth it, get down from off tha cross" and she was very descriptive about what she was saying..meaning she could put in our minds Jesus on that cross nailed..and how he would pull himself up to breath and the agnozing pain,the smell of vomit and all that nasty stuff.. and just his heart...Jesus' heart and love for the people was so strong how he endured that much suffering...

I have no idea why that keeps coming to my mind.. but every so often i find myself thinking about God..thinking about all the truth I heard from amazing preachers, and teachers.. and just teh encouragement and love they had for others.. an yet... I dont know..who knows really.. it's too difficult to think of myself talking about God.....
I've met someone who does not believe in God.. and that their choice..but I explained to them that even though Im not folliowing God at all.. I also know that without his love, his people I would have never survived...

who knows really...

I have no idea what more to say...

Im just so confused.. so torn..and so needing to hide..and maybe that's what I will do today.. just seperate myself from the world for a little while, and allow myself to write a story, allow myself to share these wounds and hurts in paper, in my stories...

see how it goes..

night