future events

I was looking at the bruises on my knuckles the scars... and then the scars on my arm, the scars on my side.. and I only thought of this because my counselor had mentioned something..
either way I wondered what my life would be like in the future you know? to be thirteen years older and looking back at this time.. and regretting what i've done.. regretting the scars on my body...
at the same time...however...these are stories... each wound represents a memory of a terrible time in my life..and a hope for a good testimony in the future sometime...

I dont know anymore..

I dont know whats going on inside my head.. there are things I want to say but can't, things I'd like to leave but can't...and there are secrets I want to share but won't... there are hardly words to say...

I've been fairly actually really emotional lately...not entirely sure why... my job takes alot out of me...and I hate that I can't see my friends and family any longer.. no more partying, no more time with my family..and if I am home i'm too tired to even do anything...
not sure if this is the kind of life I want to lead...regardless that this job is paying my bills.. I did not move back to BC to be my own person, and always working, being angry with my job or with myself... I wanted to be here for my family..
do you know I havent made it to any of my sisters soccer games since they started? that's really terrible... because those are the important times in life..if not that I also did not make it to my nieces' recital which really made me angry..I can't even remember why I didn't make it to that.. I wish I had because she won an award and everything..

however..at the same time....

looking at everything... I mean..
what happened to College? what happened to police force? and everything.. it's like everything else is put on hold because I work night shifts and sleep during the days..and every chance I can I try my best to see the good people in my life...although it never works out which really has been a big disappointment for me..
i mean do you know.. I haven't been to my favorite restaurant since I was with Emily? that's a long time ago..and if not that I have not tried one of the best milkshakes on West 4 yet.. I have had no time for anything...no time to even think sometimes...

and if I am thinking..Im always being confused..frustrated...hurt...angry.. its always everything but happy... and this is not the person I want to become.. I want to enjoy life.. I want to bring life to all those who come my way.. I want to go play pool on a Saturday night with my cousins and close friends... I want to enjoy a quiet evening with my brothers and sisters playing that stupid game "scene it" I mean..
I dont know...its been a rough day..a rough week.. and I just looking forward to it ending.. I just want to get some fresh air... I want to runaway really.. really I do.. I mean I've not felt so strongly about running away but I do now.. I just want to get away from all these thoughts, all these people...all this responsibility..
I just want to go and just enjoy some time by myself.. no phone, no computer.. just sitting by the water and writing.. I mean do you know how long it's been since I've written a story... I have an inspiration idea of what i want to write...but I have no time to write it.. and its just frustrating...

who knows where things will go from here...

Im just really wanting to get back on track with everything and stop this nonsense of just sleeping.. why do we sleep.. why does the world sleep..why can't we just get things done.. lol...

alright while I guess Im going to sleep....

night