Wednesday, May 7, 2008
my heart aches
looking at this photo...wishing I could be with that child one more time.. mother's day is coming up and I can't imagine this baby boy not being with his mother..even now knowing he's somewhere else..with someone else..it hurts me so much...
I haven't seen him in such a long time because I been working so much...but when I did.. he used to crawl up to me and just demand that i hold him.he recognizes me..and he knows how much I love and cherish him.. i have only seen this boy on and off since december...and just man alive! he's the most precious kid I've ever met..and he means so much to me...knowing he's not somewhere I can see him..it really hurts my heart..and I just really sad about that...
if not that..thinking about what my cousin is going through...her son has been taken away.. and as much as she has been irresponsible with him..she also loves him and tries to be there with him..and I dont know..
it's too hard to talk...
off topic.. im completely and utterly confused...because I've got so many thoughts..feelngs.. ideas and there all where they should not..my focus has been tainted and Im totally losing my mind.. and I dont know... i can't say anythin more.. I just have these thoughts...
I have been thinking of cutting...lately..just because I have been so blah..so confused..so frustrated.. this hurt going on in my life..just way too overwhelming..and I got nothing I got this computer and this blog...and that's it... I dont know..
I was telling someone that I wanted to runaway..just hide somewhere and be gone for a bit.. just hide from the world..hide from myself..my thoughts my pain..and just hide from drinking.. and thoughts..major thoughts of my life..and my future..
what to do...what to feel...how to express those things?
this is the only place.. I have these horrible feelings..for someone..someone I should not feel anything for.. but Im hoping it's just a fling or whatever..cause it's just new..exciting..different and it's distracting..its getting me away from my recent break-up..so its like this is just like.. putting a band-aid on a wound that I dont know will heal..cause I still talk to my ex and it's been good but it's starting to get really confusing... and the love that was there..is still lingering but not as much just because I have something new in my life..and it's better...greater..sweeter.. but its kinda not real cause I am not really me...like I am...but not..cause I still recovering from these wounds in my life
work is going good..working everyday monday to friday...its good... trying to get into the routine and everything..if not that trying to find the time of day just to go out and chill with some friends.. not drink or anything just hang out...enjoy some times together... but I really always too exhausted..and if not that I also just stay awake way way too late.. i never can sleep until like 4am.. and yeah...being isolated has really cost me alot..and I missing the world like crazy!
but I better go...decided to take a pill tonight..it will help me better..