my answer

I've had a lot of stuff going on today... more bad then good but that's what happens in my life its no suprise and no real thing...

I met someone who went to school with my father when he was in elementary school and it was amazing just to hear her speak of the love she had for my family, she grew up with everyone in my father's side of the family and it made me so happy. i told her to go visit my father sometime his grave is in Fort. St.James....

Other then that... what can I say?

I knew this point would come and this was why I held back from everthing and why I held back from living a life worth living.. i shared myself with someone.. someone more incredible then I could ever imagine and it wasnt about anything but sharing my life with them... sharing my stories, sharing my heart and sharing my hopes and dreams.. however deep I may have gotten myself I had found myself liking this person in more ways then one...
I spent Friday with this person...and just hearing them speak and just hearing their heart.. hearing their pain... I had never felt so amazing.. and so glad to be there...

all happiness has to come to an end.. Im not the person someone wants in their life. Im not soft and cuddly. believe me I know this...
just today on mother's day i heard that I will have to protect my family more then ever before because of the babies father being all messed up..so I stressin often and always...staying up late to protect my family, i started sleeping with a knife by my side because I want to be prepared for anything that might come our way, out of the consequences of a messed up son of a gun...

however feelings that lay there....

I allowed myself..to be myself.. I shared myself with someone in a way that I had never done before...I had said and done things that I wish i hadn't just because I knew this would come down this way... however just being able to be there..being able to sit there having this person sitting next to me and seeing this person smile, seeing more then what others might see it really was all worth it...

however the pain that I've suffered for allowing myself to be this open to someone has been a bit overwhelming... I did cut myself and I did hit something... just because it's not very often we are able to find friends that we are able to encourage and be encouraged by...
I mean there were more intentions for me there however I could not see myself following through with those intentions because I have had a hard time being there for someone else even then being there for my family.. I mean my sisters joined soccer and I have not made it to their game, they go swimming and I have not been there... we have had family dinners and ive been away on my own...

I meant to spend the day in my room... trying to drift away from all that I feel..to sit with my baby kitten and just write..write a new story..write these feelings and describe them in more then usual manner...however I could not.. I could not focus...I could not even put a pen to paper because I was overwhelmed and just being so happy about the greatness I have done.. however great I did things..Im really good and doing the worst things ever known to the history of human beings...

Again I say I cut myself..not because of the words said, not just because of the hurt that I felt.. but because today...of all days....today I was reminded of my life...meeting that woman that met my father many years ago really just changed me...and I just wanted to honor her, I just wanted to be there..like a child listenning to the greatest story ever told...even in that state.. i also wanted to run..to hide..because today is not the day to be hearing about my father... i missed him so much today...he was everything to me.. and to have no one come out and just recognize the painful feeling it is to honor those in our lives that we cherish...it was hard..
so i had a few to drink... not to get wasted but to enjoy life...to enjoy the company of those that did come out..but my mind often wondered through the thoughts of my father..the thoughts of my dying uncle..and those that are in my family dying in the hospital.. not fun not something I enjoy dealing with ...

on top of that.. i had some pretty bad news...not really bad..it was just reality..

reality of the situation I was hoping to conquer... not for winning but for conquering the demon of a dreadful thing that I wish there was a really cruel punishment for.. we live in the world. we live in a society that helps us say that love is this... and love is that... and love is these things and anything else is not true... not fun..not real.. not something anyone should ever have to go through...

No one has ever had the nerve to lay a hand on me because Im soft...and cute and fun..but if anyone does anything Im like that dog that got rabbies..I will come after you and continue to do so until my very last breath.. I hold grudges against people who raise their hands against anyone..
I will always hold that grudge against my mother's ex-boyfriend and my mother knows how much I hate him..and lucky he is to be alive for me...I swore to him I'd hurt him or more if he ever hurt my mother or my family... Im very protective of those I love when it comes to those sorts of things... I mean..man alive!

anyhow...

dealing emotionally a rotten way... a rotten choice..rotten path..and wishing things did not turn out like this...but again...
my choice, my responsibility, win or lose only I HOLD THE KEY!

I was telling a friend of mine the other day..after some things that had recently happened.. as I have had thoughts of death, dreams of death..and deaths in the family the last few days.. I was saying I'd be alright if I had died..
I feel that I have encouraged others, helped others and just loved everyone that's ever come into my life..and if I were to die then I'd be alright with that... because I feel I've done what I can...

anyhow...I have to be up early..

my babies have to get up for school and my mom is going out of town so it's time for me to put on my superman outfit and wake up early early to be all they need me to be...

so good night....