Saturday, May 24, 2008

moments you wish you could hold forever

I've been through alot of garbage this past week...some moments where I had thought I would be gone..I thought I would have wasted away...that I couldn't do this and even if you paid me to survive nothing could make me feel better from all this kind of pain... all drama queens..there's perspective...and there's reality... Even though I was frustrated..lost..hurt...alone...dying..wasting away.... I never really was... I was just hiding..and being scared to deal with the emotions of living my my life knowing the losses that we are forced to suffer.
i hit a few things...i hurt myself a lot...and I really wanted to just who knows really.. I wished.. if one would have been just to hide... at there sitting by the lake...and just looking at those beautiful weeping willows..and just in the atmosphere for enjoying life....or having those I needed by my I didn't have to suffer this kind of pain alone..and even then I ain't never suffered this alone, and it ain't that bad...I mean it brought up a lot of pain for me because it reminded me of my father's death and nothing has or will ever hurt me more then losing my going through this loss..was like going through my dad's loss all over agian.. this time it was changed though cause I have thousands of responsibilities..and just too much to take on that I had to runaway..

either way...

pushing past all those things...pressing on in my life... and trying to be sure that I making my priorities straight..because I dont think I could handle another break down because it was hard enough the first time...that the second time I am worried about what I would become... this death has changed me...i look at things differently.
cause when my dad died...I never got to say goodbye..he just died... and that has always been something that bothers me.. especially when it comes to love..or speaking with my heart.. like when I talking to my sisters or something... I always tell them I love them..hug them...and everything because you never know when your last days are...and so yeah...we have to be sure.. that we tell them we love them... i make it a big effort in my house to have that kind of love here cause I know how important it is, and I know how much children of all people need that kind of love.
i have returned home...yet again...this time better head on my shoulders and I not running anytime soon.... my babies (brothers and sisters) all got together an cleaned up the whole house.. I feel so bad everytime I leave now...cause I know they doing all these things becuase they miss me so much..if I not working Im at people's houses sleeping...or at ...yeah... anyhow... i feel bad.. cause my brother has a picture of us in his room, my sister is sleeping in my bed.. and I just like...this is crazy...what's wrong with me? why did I leave..why do i keep running away like that.. I know why.. it's not that I can't handle them...but that I can't handle myself... cause I know what I become when Im hurt..and I never want people I love around me because I lash out in anger...

im really tired..

I am realizing more and my life that I do some messed up things...and most of the time I dont regret them...but lately..with a situation with my sisters' nightmare I just can't stop myself from being angry... always thinking if my dad was alive what would he do you know? because for me...I like the father in my family.. I be here to protect them.. I mean I been doing that all my life...and it's always been my job...and for me.. I dont know..I just like hurting myself..hurting people...and just all llike how do we deal with that kind of pain?
I seen him today..I seen the man that molested my sister...and I wish there was not a police officer near by because I wanted to hit him..if not that then.. his lawyer was there...I guess he saw me try and take a punch at that bastard.. but I didn't I wasn't that stupid...might of been angry as hell but I wasn't going to do's pointless.. he paying for what he's done... too talk anymore.. i been up forever..and my kitty is I have to bring her to bed..before she gets all krazee again...

good night

the only reason I wrote about the

there have been some really amazing wonderful moments..that sometimes I wish that I could just have a memory that would remember those moments...remember everything...the feelings.. the greatness...and not have a camera...but like just be able to come to a place..if I was low in my life this is the person I can think about because we had so much fun..and I was so glad to be alive.. so hurt hurt...not cause of this situation but because I just allow myself to take on way more then I actually should..
anyhow...i had a few more then a few moments that I wish that I could hold with me forever.. and just have that time..of just laughing about it...or feeling that love that's there...its amazing... I really have to go!

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