calming down

where to begin?

Losing my uncle the way that I had...or watching my cousin suffer the loss of her father.. was very overwhelming.. I honestly did not think I would make it through such a time as this...
I mean.. I felt so alone..so just dead person walking.. trying to deal with my frustration, trying to deal with the hurt...and trying to be human and just cry... it didn't work for me too much at all..

I have new bruises, new scars...and new not so great stories about what's been going on in my life the last while...

I drank Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday..but I hadn't had a drink since then.. Im not sure why I was drinking... I just felt so overwhelmed..

If not dealing with this loss... I had my other responsibilities that were taking a huge toll in my life and I felt like I couldn't do it.. I thought that I was going to end my life...
that's not something anyone wants to hear, or something I should have been feeling... however when it comes right down to it...
I had the responsibility of taking care of my family..and I kept running from that because I couldn't handle it... I hated being at home because it only just brought so much stress, so much pain in my life..

The loss of this man...really tore me too...because it reminded me of my father's death.. the feelings of lossing a father...the pain, the agonizing pain..suffering...grieving..and just wanting nothing more then to end it all..be with the one I love...
It was really difficult time...

however... going to counselling really helped my mind... I mean I walked out of counselling feeling so much better...I had tried so much to explain myself to all my homegirls and my cousins but they didn't understand, or have the time or patience to listen to me... or just let me be... but in counselling...having that perspective from someone on the outside of it really saved me.. just days earlier I had tried cutting myself in ways I can't even explain to you...
but counselling...it really was amazing..it was like just what I needed at a time like this.. I was a little afraid to go because I didn't want to cry and I didn't want to talk about cutting...or anything...but it all worked out for the better...
I mean we had our serious talks, and then we had a few laughs...and it just was a good balance of exactly what I needed... it relieved alot for me..I went away from that just smiling because I felt so much better...like this huge burden on me just was able to finally be lifted off, and that I was able to gain perspective of what I was thinking or doing with myself...

Tonight is the first night I been home... it's going alright so far only because EVERYONE is sleeping... so it's nice and calm...its good to be home..I mean... I loved being gone because it was relaxing and everything..but there is no place like home...

i haven't been eating well..or at all... everytime I get emotional I get really distant from people, food, and just really mentally burdened... and I distract myself by hiding out...
tonight.. I wanted to go to the beach..I wanted to go and just be by myself.. and just turn everything off and just sit there...but I could not stop thinking of my kitten...Exodus...

I mean..I haven't seen much of her lately..and I know how much she misses me.. do you know how much? she's sleeping in my lap right now... Im so glad that she knows who I am..and that she knows how much I love her..I am so excited to see what she become as grows older... I am so glad to have her...
well if not just that..i know my family's been missing me...my younger brother was like "wow it's been so long since i seen you"... I wanted to cry because I felt so bad that I allowed myself to fall apart and hide away..however if I had to stay here..I would have said or done some things I would regret...so yeah there isn't much I can do about that..you know?

as for anything else..well there's alot more thoughts going through my mind...thoughts of just people... a person... tonight I had some really good time alone...while working of course.. and I thought about so much things...and just realized some things...and I just don't know... I know what I should be doing, and I know what I should be saying...but I dont know... I dont know if I am capable of doing that... I thought about it...and am going to go write about it as soon as my laundry is done...

other then that... i have no idea...im just getting back to normal...my mind is finally strengthened and my stress has decreased...and I feel like I can make it through this..I feel like I can survive this and just for now that's really important to me because before I didn't think I could.. I wanted to start giving away precious things of mine...that's how serious I was becoming about losing my mind..losing my life...wasting away is what I had called it...

i feel like I've found my balance though..and that i've finally been able to find that place of rest..

i was thinking about my future...someone a friend asked what I would do if she became a cop before i did... and I kinda was like that's great...but really.. I'd be thrilled.. because someone has a goal..someone has something they are working towards..and I know she was just joking or thinking in theory... but I was really glad to hear her heart about what she wanted to do with her life... I love having people like that in my life..people who know what they want to do, or what they would like to become..
I mean I know it changes..believe me I know... I went from social worker, youth worker, corrections cop, pastor, motivational speaker, teacher, to now a police officer. you might think this was in the last few years but this was the last few months.. I was really confused about what I wanted to do...but the thing with that is that they all have something in common...something that I've had a strong desire for all my life...
all those things are something to do with helping people...bringing people from dark places, or just helping people...
To me it doesn't matter what I do... As long as at the end of my life... I would have people at my funeral saying "jessie helped me through this, or through that, or taught me this...or helped me become what I am today" I mean...just helping people for me is the greatest reward and achievement for me...

I look at my life..and I seen my adopted sister... she is completely grateful for me being in her life, in the past and even now...she made it through alot, we made it through alot..and we are still closer then ever and just so full of life...
if not that..then my younger sister... she's the greatest joy in my life...maybe that's why it was so hard for me to be at home...because I did not want to cry in front of her.. anyhow.. my younger sister..has always meant so much to me... I had raised her since she was born...I favored her, and took care of her all her life...and am still doing that now.. I hope that she becomes something amazing and I believe she will..because I will always be here for her... I love her to pieces..

anyhow...now Im just talking....talking....talking...
Im getting tired..going to watch a movie..and fall asleep..after grabbing my laundry... I have to carry Exodus upstairs...she so cute I love her so much!

good night