difficult times

It's been a few days since I've written and there is so much going on sometimes I wish that I could just runaway...hide away..but I've been saying that along ass time..it's my coping mechanism.
Two days ago... I
I was at a funeral...
some of the worst moments of my life... I wished that I could be late, I wished that I wasn't there.. I wished I could die...I couldn't find myself at all...I couldn't picture myself walking into that room....I couldn't do it..
I sat outside the room...I couldn't go in...I could only picture what it looked like when I seen my father..the only thing I wanted to do was drink...jump off a bridge...just forget all these things that have only caused me so much pain..
When I finally went in..I had waited...
I waited to witness some of the worst moments ever known to the history of our lives...

I walked outside...and my cousin...my cousin...Lee-anne... broken crying...falling...she couldn't even bring herself to come into the place straight..I could smell it on her breath...and I couldn't help it...I wanted to runaway, run to the store and get my stuff and just get shit faced because I never ever want this stuff to happen...
what made it more worse was that....
When my father died...there were only TWO people there for me... Trevor and Lee-Anne... NO ONE else was there for me but them...so for me to have been there on their day....I knew they felt that...
I sat in the back at the funeral...by myself...avoiding tears...cutting myself so I wouldn't cry because my sisters were there...I couldn't show them my tears..I couldnt show them my pain.. I could not even begin to think of myself falling apart there...
At my cousin Brian's funeral...I cried..I cried so much because I remembered him so well and I missed him so much..it had been ten days after I moved here that he died...

so for me...to be sitting there not even six months after moving home... it tore me to pieces..I felt like I had brought nothing but pain since moving back...but my counselor said..Im the glue thats been holding EVERYONE else together...and yet Im falling apart..my body, my emotions..my everything is giving out on me...all that ray of hope that I had is gone...all that love that I had has vanished in the blink of an eye...the love and respect my friends...family members had for me.. was no where to be found... I sat there by myself...I sat there by my damn self...all these damn people tell me they'd be there for me...but everyone went on life as if it had been another day.. the only one that really understood my pain was my friend in Germany..she was the only one that realized how difficult this has been for me..

when we were told to say our final good-bye's to Bruce..I wanted to walk the other way...I didn't want to say bye...I didn't want to go to the coffin..I was so terrified...so everything horrible...
however...because I've become more close to my cousin Lee-Anne she ended up sitting with me..and bringing me up there with her...
My baby sister Bil-lee was behind me...so I bit my tongue I couldn't cry... I couldn't avoid the pain that was bleeding from my heart...walking by my cousin Trevor...and he knew what I already knew...that I've been dying inside...he saw it in my eyes...when I shook his hand..he was the only one...that came with me when I went outside...I wanted to hit something..I wanted something anything just stop this aching in my heart...and Trevor was there...he was there... the one man that I've trusted..and loved so much...he was there... we were there for eachother..and it changed everything...

I went back in...and Lee-Anne was up...walking toward her father...in the coffin...and I had to leave...but I knew I had to witness this moment... so I stood there biting my tongue....as I watched my 24yr old cousin...throw herself onto his coffin...crying...sobbing...tears that would never end...her mother had to bring her away from him...and we stood at the doorway and she kept saying I can't leave him..I can't leave him....
I couldn't help but reach for her...and cry... for the first time all that time..I stood there along side my cousin..and cried with her...sobbing in my arms...I couldn't help but squeeze her tighter adn tell her I loved her...adn NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS I WILL ALWAYS BE HERE FOR HER!
After the funeral...

there was a reception...just a block away..we went for all of fifteen minutes...and ran to the liqour store... we bought cases of beer...and just walked the streets..drinking...crying...laughing...
When I got buzzed...I tured to Lee-Anne and Trevor and I said.. "I LOVE YOU GUYS.. you were there for me on the worst day of my life...and I am here for you"
I reminded them of the worst day of my life...and how much it still means to me that they were there for me... we cried and opened another bottle..poured some out for my dad..and her dad.. and drank...as much as our mouths could allow us... we were all just so broken...

Forever I will be reminded of the image..of watching my cousin lose her father...forever I will be reminded of what it was like to see him in the coffin.... saying Good-bye... I grabbed his hand...and I said "good-bye bruce, I love you"

Some of the worst moments of my life...passed me by...and it was horrible....

I've been there for my cousins ever since....calling them...calling them...just saying I love you.. it's the first time we've done that for so long..every time we talk... I love you...because it's time in my life that I realize yet again how extremely important it is to say I love you...



The next day..Tuesday...
I ended up in the hospital... I have been put on bed rest because I sprained my foot...while walking at a park...or whatever.... for the next fourteen days...

these deaths..this pain will sink in...and Im scared...so scared that I'll fall apart...fall to pieces but I know that I can't...and that's what scares me...my cousenlor said to keep myself busy and now all of a sudden I can't move...
I just hope that I find people I'll need by my side...to help me through this...and help me keep busy because Im really scared...I dont want to fall apart..I dont want to break down...not again because Im scared of what might happen this time around....

that's my story...these are the worst times of my life...and I just pray or wish that things will start looking up from this....


night