Friday, May 2, 2008

ready and waiting

wierdest thoughts in my head today... I guess it doesn't help that my uncle is telling me what he's writing in his will...
I have had this nerve wrecking feeling that something is about to of those times where I want to tell everyone close to me how much I love and cherish them.. I have to call my grandma..
alright well I just talked to everyone that's far away... I love talking to my grandma she's so funny and so sweet and i love her so much..
I guess I've been doing pretty good the last few days.. been pretty tired lately and when I get home I can hardly find the time to sleep or Im restless because I feel like I've been isolated all this time that I hadn't talked to anyone but Im enjoying my work..I mean it's nice and quiet, even quick at times.. I just wish that I could be home earlier.. I really am sad that I never see my family unless it's a weekend..during the days my brothers and sisters all go to school and my brother goes to work.. and I laz around the house by myself..

I don't know why I felt the way I did about my family members... but I know that it scares me everytime that kinda stuff happens that's probably me overreacting which many people know Im really good at doing...

I am hoping to go visit my uncle Henry next Saturday although realizing it's mothers day.. I still want to see him because I love him and I want to spend some time with him..I mean I don't want to stay there but I would if that's what it takes to visit him...I mean I just want him to know how much I care for much I miss him..
I was thinking about today...not alot of families are like mine... I'm close to everyone in my family. when Im not here we are apart..Im the one that really cares for my family members I go out of my way to be there for them...write them..tell them I love them.. I really cherish all of them..
but realizing it now there isn't alot of family members like ours.. and I like that my brothers and sisters see this kinda structure because hopefully it will be carried down to others you know? I mean I love my uncles and my aunties..

now there's one thing that pops to mind.. as some may know... I had dealt with all my hurt and anger I had towards my mother... all those times she neglected me, and wasn't there for me.. I forgave her for those things... however.. I lost some respect for her when she held back from telling me about what happened to my sister... i never know when I can trust her fully she is not protecting me...she is avoiding the hell that would break loose if anyone tried anything with any of my brothers and sisters.. I mean when I heard that our neighbors swore at every single one of my brothers and sisters they were lucky I didn't do anything...all's I did was avoid letting my brothers and sisters at their place, and I still didn't tell the kids real father what's going on over there..
anyhow when it comes to my relationship with my mom...Im a little held back.. Im worried about what it would look like if I decided to trust her again and have her hold something back from me like that again.. Im always prepared to hurt people.. I mean I don't actually do it but people are in fear of me.. especially people who have hurt my family in the past...such as my younger sisters father if he ever tried to lay a hand on my brothers or mother now... that would be the end of would be in the future that every single one of us beat him up..cause my older sister beat him up long ago...and Im always waiting because I know how stupid he is.. he used to beat my mom, and emotionally torment my brother and I... I hold those things against him because i know he's a woman beater and people like that I have no respect for them.. not just because Im a woman but because I don't handle anyone beating on other people for absolutly no reason.

back to my mom.. I know that I love her.. I love her so much and I never want to lose her.. however I also have learned that she is not someone I can completely trust...after all these times of trusting her and being let down by her..or having her say what she says about whatever.. I never know what to believe.. but like anyone if anyone laid a hand on her in any way that was wrong I'd be the first one there..but then when I think of's kinda the same thing? i don't torment her or hurt her... but I also hardly talk to her.. i have no real relationship with her like I did at one time...that time lasted little to not at all.. and yet I dont know.. I just don't know what to do about her.. I can't let go of the past because I know she will do it again..i cant trust that she doesn't know what is right for the kids or for me.. I know what's right for us..I dont know... it's so confusing.. and I wish things were better then this but this is the way that it is...

either way I've said alot.. i don't think I have anything more to say...


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