cutting

I had an appointment today...with my counselor.. we talked very briefly about cutting...

It came to my mind..how long that life style, that addiction has been in my life..

I thought of when it started...I never really thought of it before today... my counselor and I talked about what was happening around the time that I started cutting.. it was all emotional abuse from my mom's ex-boyfriend.. for me to show him my hurt and pain..was a weakness he played on...he preyed on me being weak and he often found ways to torment me... to hurt me, wound me... and I found myself with a blade.. and execto knife... at first.. it was so difficult to cut.. it was too hard I had to run my hands under cold water in order to do it... as time continued on, the abuse continued on...and I no longer had to use the water to numb my hand...arm.. side.. or whatever...
If not that... then in that time...I had been with my first love.. his idea of pain was hitting things and it encouraged me to continue to cut...everytime he would hurt I would hurt too.. and I dont know...

Im not really sure exactly why...I do it..
but my guess is that in my weaknesses (emotions being a weakness for me) I have to cut.. I have to control how I feel... I can't show people or anyone that I can be hurt... that' sounds so childish but that's me..
when I was younger... or even just a few months ago.. I used to sit and watch the blood drip from my hands.. and just the idea of knowing no one can hurt me, only I can hurt me.. thats all I thought about back then... when I found out my sister was molested..then I really went all out. I ended up in the hospital.. and got seven stitches for my wounds...nerve damage too...

The idea of talking about cutting is always very difficult for me.. it's one of those things..those walls I don't want to go there and i'll avoid it at all costs.. because when I am forced or choose to talk about it... that's when I realize the pain it brings on myself, the scars, and the pain and hurt it brings onto those I care about... not something I want to remind myself everytime I do it.. because it just makes it worse.. it hurts too much..
I remember in Ontario.. after i heard about what had happened to my sister.. I did not feel a reason to live anymore.. I felt that I had failed on my promise, I had failed on protecting my sisters..and i deserved nothing but pain... i cut myself as often and always as much as possible, as deep as possible... i felt so low in my life... so broken..and had no idea how and if I'd ever make it through that tragic time.. anyhow.. I had one friend...
She had only been my friend for a few months.. and I shared with her my cutting problem.. and one day she asked to see it... and she cried.. she hurt..and she cleaned my wounds.. because I never do... I don't know why... but either way...she sat there with towel in hand...cleaning the wounds on my arm..and I didn't cry, I didn't feel anything.. I just wanted to do it again because I was so upset that I had told her...because she always asked me why do I always wear long sleeve or why always so different..

My other friend in ontario..he was different...everytime I cut.. he would say he was going to cut himself for me cutting..cause he wanted me to know how much pain it brought on him when I cut myself... it didn't help me.. i just didn't tell him i did it any longer..i lied to him...

my most recent wounds were these last few weeks... almost losing my friends has been a battle that I felt I could not win.. and i felt that I did not deserve friends like that if I was that stupid.. so I cut myself.. and then when I found out the pain and suffering my cousin had to deal with.. I was really upset.. and I didnt want to show my family that I hurt that way.. I felt that I had to conquer those feelings so that I didn't have to show my family my tears, my one and only weakness are my feelings...that's why I love writing...

Today....

Well it didn't start out good at all.. i didn't have enough sleep.. and meeting with my counselor an talking about cutting really made me uncomfortable.. knowing..that Im sitting there aching because my side is still trying to heal from most recent events.. no more bandages just trying to keep it good..
after I left counselling... I wanted to go home...
however it did not turn out that way.. I was bombarrded by some idiot that I wish I had hit.. however for whatever reason he didn't deserve my throws I was already emotional.. But I was so embarrassed by him...he was a drunk native reaching for drinks in his beg, and talking to people.. and people were looking at me.. and I felt like just knocking him down.. telling him how much he is a disgrace to his people... how I was embarrassed just to be the same color as him, and so...
I didn't get on the bus.. I just went to go and try clear my mind of all these thoughts...

work was even worse. I always thought work would be my place of just quietness.. just trying to get my tasks done and just everything... but like everything..it all went wrong... I felt like crying.. but I wanted to cut instead.. everything seemed to go wrong at work and it made me so mad so hurt..so much...everything today just really piled up and I wanted to put everything done and just grab a blade and do it.. cause I knew I'd feel better if I had..
at the end of the night..I went to take out the garbage..and I accidently bent my body the wrong way and healing wounds were reopened and I could not move... I felt so much pain... it started bleeding again...
my night still did not end... my other supervisor came and mentioned to me I had forgotten something upstairs..and I was so furious because I really was in a lot of pain adn I just wanted to leave...I tried my best to stay as calm as possible but it was so difficult with all this things going on in my head...
by the time I did leave..the store that I go to after work was under renovations..i knew that I needed my store..so i travelled all the way to kingsway and Joyce.. after getting my slurpee and my smoke.. I sat there and just finally finally seriously finally was able to calm down.. just to stop thinking about EVERYTHING that went wrong, or the thoughts that I had.. and I was able to just sit and relax...

it didn't help that I am overtired.. that I really need to sleep right now...

at the end... theres another song..not many people have heard it..but if you've been drinking with me then you've heard it...because it's one of my many many favorite songs...

"Open Wounds"
In the dark with the music on
Wishing I was somewhere else
Taking all your anger out on me, somebody help
I would rather rot alone
Then spend a minute with you I
'm gone, I'm gone

And you can't stop me from falling apart '
Cause my self-destruction is all your fault

[Chorus]
How could you, how could you, how could you hate me?
When all I ever wanted to be was you?
How could you, how could you, how could you love me?
When all you ever gave me were open wounds?

Downstairs the enemy sleeps
Leaving the TV on
Watching all the dreams we had turn into static
Doesn't matter what I do
Nothing's gonna change I'm never good enough

And you can't stop me from falling apart
'Cause my self-destruction is all your fault

[Chorus]
Tell me why you broke me down and betrayed my trust in you
I'm not giving up, giving in when will this war end?
When will it end??

You can't stop me from falling apart [3X]'
Cause my self-destruction is all your fault. [Chorus]