I have no idea where i been or what I been doing. I know that I have been losing my mind, losing my life in a person..in people... losing myself in all this stuff that isn't me...going out of my way for others and just about shattering because I have been made of glass lately...everything affects me and everything is killing me.
it's all my fault...it is it really is... I shouldn't have done that..I should have been there..and I shouldn't have ever thought that way...I should have just walked away..I should have just I dont even know...but I should not have been in this situation and it is my own damn fault..
Today well resting..sleeping..dreaming...wishing...hoping... I heard this thing... "it's so difficult to love, it's painful... but to hate it's so easy, so concrete." is that why we go from loving someone to hating them? I dont know...I mean really I wouldn't hate anyone unless your one of the many criminals that messed with my family...but other then that I wish that I could stop loving, stop being there...but it's not me...
I don't know what I was thinking..I knew that I really loved the situations I had...the moments I had...and the everything...all those little moments...those sparks of life..of joy..of happiness but like all things..it came to an end...something that had to happen and something that really hurt me...
I have not been doing well since then at all...I been hitting things, cutting and just hating on myself because I really can't believe all that I allowed myself to become around this person... why couldn't I just stop? why did I have too...why did I want too...and why did it ever happen?
So confused..so hurt..and so just totally in love... lol..
love is not this....my cousins call it lust...my family calls it love...and I call it NOTHING! I just am the way that I am... it ain't got nothing to do with all that... i mean... I loved...i loved...but i hurt..
I hated..that..more then anything... because I acted so stupid..been so stupid...nothing but tears in my eyes...hurt in my heart..and pain in my life...
how do we let this go? how do we move on from these situations..and how do we get over these things....I don't know if I could..not sure if I want too...because the feeling was so nice...so uplifting...so everything that brought a bit of hope into my life...
it's all over now...it's all done....no one's fault but my own...but not really..but I'll take the blame for everything...I'll take it all because you know there ain't nothing else...left...nothing....
if not just that difficult time...it could not come at a worse time...a time I needed them with me.. Im going to cousins dad's funeral tomorrow and Im scared as hell...I dont think I can handle this.. I dont think I can live with myself...I don't think I want to go through this all over again.. it will hurt way too much...and I wish that I wouldn'thave said or done those things..cause I never wanted someone with me more then I do now...
either way..Im going drinking tonight..with some friends...they bringing me out..which is a good timing.. obviously not working tomorrow... but yeah... I dont know what to do anymore....
I had nightmares for so long what it would be like to see this all replay...to have this situation come into my life again...now it's here..and im scared...im really scared...and I wish they would be here...but I messed up.. they not going to forget that...and I will never allow myself too either.
this is going to hurt...hurt more then anything ever could...and no one will see the wounds I will suffer tomorrow..but I'll be drinking regardless of everything..I dont care..I will not be able to do this even if someone paid me too...the memories..the pain...I know what will happen..and I know it all.. i won't be able to do this...but Im going to try my best.... I just man alive..I have no idea... I just wish that I didn't mess things up at a time like this..
grief has been added onto me...and responsibility...on top of just everything...and if I had the money I'd just leave because I dont know what else to do anymore...but I should call..they should call...but it hurts too much because I messed up so bad...and i never be forgiven..well i know them pretty good they might forgive me...but I can't...cause this is my fault..how do I forgive myself for acting so foolishly? I will never fully recover from this...and Im so scared.. that might destroy me.
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