Tuesday, May 20, 2008

death is deserves pain


the last two weeks my cousins grandma died and my other cousins dad died this last saturday..

I aint been home in days..I go home shower change and leave....

being me...being me...overwhelming feelings of pain that is unbearable.. i ain't never felt so stupid, so helpless an so hurt it ain't even possible to tell you anything..

i have continuously cut myself..continously hit something and continued to think of killing myself.
i not sure but it's overwhelming and painful.. there hardly ain't nothing to live for..but gratitudes of pain beyond recognition..

just the other day I wish .....
i wished I could cut myself so deep that I had 15min to live...tell my family I love them and just die..cause this shit is way too much for me...

NO ONE I mean NO ONE ain't never been there for me...and I keep hitting things, I keep hurting people..and keep wanting to die..

nothing making me happy anymore..
people tell me..kids make me happy

they ain't doing nothing but making me really angry and wanting to end it sooner... how messed up is that.. i mean...what the heck..
i picked up a piece of glass and just cut myself because i hate this feeling..
I not able to be home...I not able to deal with that responsibility..or LACK of understanding of the kind of pain I dealing with..

of all things the one person I dont even like..guess what? he came by! my sisters father came by the day after my cousins dad died...and I just wanted to knock him out because I can.. I so angry with the world..so angry with everything...trying to deal with all this shit has been way too much. I ain't got no one but my family..no one but my family...no friends...they ain't been there for me since i moved back...no one knows what this has been like and how fucked up this has been for me..

day before my cousins dad died i thought of reading him the bible..but i couldn't..I couldn't even picture myself picking it up...after all this stuff i had to go through I didn't want to even imagine picking that up...people tell me have faith...there ain't no faith here...nothing but pain...strong desire to join them...cause this has been way too much for me.. I aint even home now.. i can't stand my family..
i only been there for my two cousins and my adopted sister...other then that there ain't NO ONE THER FOR ME! I hate the world...I hate my life..and I everyday ready to just let it all go..
the first night.my cousin tried to walk on the train track..and I allowed her to push me..what does it mean to me...

people tell me i change lives...there ain't no lives changed..nothing but pain..nothing but corruption and pain..it ain't cool... that's the story of my life..

i been cutting and hitting things for days...minutes..seconds...i aint want nothing to do with the reality of dealing with the feelings of losing this kind of family member...

the day my other cuz and I found out this shit went down..we both were ready to hurt someone.. but for me..I was like... this ain't that persons fault I was just looking for someone to hurt so I didn't have too... its been too much going on...

i ready to runaway..hide... just forget it all..

but i know my cousins need me as I need them...

they were there when my father died..I be there until the day I die...i ain't had that much love for many people...but those two mean the world to me...

anyhow i gotta go i ain't even at home...i just chilling with some friends cause it's too much for me to be home..everytime I am..i always only thinking of one thing and NO ONE wants to know what thsoe thougghts are..i just glad that i got someone who is somewhat helping in the best ways they know how..


R.I.P. Bruce S.

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