changes

..lots has changed.. I guess..

past fun times have become a bit of a burden..

I haven't seen or heard from anyone or anything.. I mean I guess who really knows you know?

Im a little frustrated that I don't hear from her as much, and that when I do call her she hardly has anything to say... She is someone that I love to pieces because she's one of my greatest friends...she's someone that i love knowing, and hope that as much as things are changing.. I hope that her and I would still remain as close as we've been...
I dont know what to think... I dont know what to do...

I sleep so often and hardly have anything to talk about...

nothing happens anymore.. the only excitment I have is my kitten.. the greatest little cutey in the world.. she's so precious and yet so lonely.. I mean she can hardly get around because the other cat will beat her up...

I mean..

in all my years of my life.. looking at the past few years.. I know that' i've had to let people go, that I've had to learn to lose friendships... not lose them but things always change.. learning to get used to changes not fun or easy. its more painful then anything.. everytime I've had to let go of a friend I've always felt a piece of me go away because there's always that something great about that relationship... so to have to do this all over again.. especially with this kind of friend.. it makes it almost unbearable just because I love this friend so much... but it doesn't look so good anymore..it looks like that this might need to happen.. I dont know.. maybe Im just being dramatic...
but maybe Im not.. maybe Im still trying to hold onto this person, still trying to guide this person or something.. who really knows...

I just know that it's been really painful.. and it's not getting easier.. it's getting more difficult to be there, or know if I needed them will they be there for me..

changes changes changes..

there are no words spoken when ending a friendship, no words spoken anymore.. no thoughts, no nothing... no words.. and I just hate that.. because this thing is about to end... this thing that's always had a place in my heart.. and now it's like a piece of me is about to die.. we will live in the same area and probably see eachother around.. but I might have to let them go.. I might have to just turn around walk away and im not sure I can do that... Im not good at doing that.. i always have a problem doing that.. I always have a problem just letting this all go...

why is this the kind of person I am? I mean if they called me and asked me to be somewhere or that they needed me..regardless of how I feel right now..I'd still do it...
he y could ask anything of me and I would do it because thats the kind of person I am..I allow people to find great joy in being my friend.. no reward in return.. but they always have me.. I dont even know what to do about that anymore.. how do we change from that kind of position.. how do we not care.. how do we become someone completely different.. I mean..

lots of people love who I am, and what I've become... but it's also somewhat like a burn out.. cause Im always the one.. it's always me.. and no one has ever lost me.. but I've often lost my friends for many reason..but none like this and that makes it more difficult.. nothing can be so dreadful then this...

gotta go babies are home from school