wash this from my mind

I dont even know where to begin...

I lost a friend today.. and gained them back before the night was over..however... it seems my friend has more on her mind then what I can even type..meaning i just trying to get used to everything being different..when it comes to wounds and hurts...im not easily movable when it comes to the kind of pain I have bestowed on others and that which was put onto me...

It must be sad to hear...

I don't hold these things against her.. however she seems to want things to be as great as they were before...it's something that will take me longer to get through just because I just have so much on my mind about this whole situation... so much to think about..and to question these motives..these choices...

I hate that people always think Im acting some way... when im just trying to learn to deal with everything. I mean lots of people tell me to give up on people...give up on my sister, give up on people...just give up...
I've heard that so much in my life...if not that I've heard it in my own head... give up work.. give up on my life..
regardless of hearing these things....thinking these things..Im still alive..still surviving.. believing that ONE DAY my older sister will conquer the things that have condemned her to a life of slavery and a life of pain..hurt and aches that seem unbearable...

as for my life..it's too valuable.. it's too great...too much to want to let go of... I mean when I was younger I didn't think there was any reason to live...however growing up now.. and just looking back at my life.. Im so glad I chose life, Im so glad that God did not expcept me to die at an early age...now watching my younger sisters and brothers grow up...teaching them, learning from them..and loving them...it's one of the greatest things in the world...its like someitmes I wish they could just stay young..
just see the world as beautiful as they see it..however we do not live in a perfect world.. we live in a world of pain, destruction...and everything that is not good...but like all things if you look close enough at things...you will see
a child being born
a flower blooming
people laughing
the blue sky
the life of everything...

in a great darkness of this painful world.. we have the little things that remind us of a greater future, a greater opportunity to survive.. I mean for me... when I get low in my life.. I find my place and my place is along the ocean side...and starring at the beautiful B.C. mountains.. this is my place of rest... if not that then next to my aunties memorial site..

Im still a little broken.. still bleeding in some ways...but trying my best to recover as best as my body and mind will allow me too... I wanted to cry today...
I wanted to do more then cry today..

I remember the years and years ago that I was able to stop cutting for a long period of time. and the life that I was able to bring to those that were cutting... or those who had eating disorders.. just people who could relate to me... to be a light... to share my stories..my pain.. and in the end share my victory.. now..though.. I can't even tell you anything of greatness of victories in my life.. the only great thing about me right now is that I have the courage and strength to make it out of bed...regardless of all the pain an emotional turmoil I have suffered..these last few days..

as for feelings.. the deep nitty gritty of me...

I think that Im still really lost.. I feel like I built myself in a place of sand.. ready to go down in it any moment..one more brush of that water and I'll have nothing good to show for anything.. There isn't turmoil going on to the point of death...but for me to be as dramatic as I am... to be going through this..not have a friend...a confident, or anything..it's pretty dreadful.. going to sleep and just wishing that someone would call..and just say Im glad that you are alive..
or those years ago..helping ALL those people... just to know where they are at... and see and hope they are doing better then they were, when I first met them.

I am thinking...I remember..when my friend and mentor told me how I had encouraged her and blessed her... how she had learned from me..and was just happy because of me. I never thought in a million years that I could encourage and be a blessing to anyone.. or more so to this mentor and friend..because I love her heart..and I admire her passion...
I hope that one day...I'll be like that you know? be someone that people would look up too...someone people will admire adn want to be around..

I really want to be someone that brings life into everything...that just puts a smile on everyone's face.. and just love everyone that comes into my life.. this is just a wish..
however looking at my life..at my past.. I am not that kind of person..and since moving back to BC I have been just the opposite.. I might make people smile, but I can also make them cry.. I can put a fear into others lives that sometimes is not even needed.. I dont know the kind of person I have become...but I defintely am not what I was... Im something completely different..

I can only hope to find my way...to find my solid ground.. to stand firm in what my life is and to hope that I could encourage others to just do better..be better..and see a hope.. some kind of hope any hope...because sometimes at the worst times in our lives..that little spec of hope really makes a huge difference...
believe me.. I know my words.. it was only that little hope that one day I would survive my childhood that got me through my years...that got me through everything I should have become. instead I turned from those things..and found my own path..and found my own ways of being somewhat happy..

ok... i guess I better go..