too much stuff

there's been too much stuff on my mind...and not enough time in a day to talk about it...

I guess today... my cousins are dealing with a death in the family.. I cried and I cut myself out of stupidity really.. I just really can't handle death all that well.. First thing I wanted to do was drink and just whatever however I know that I can't do it... I really just want to get my life straightened out and really try deal with things the right way...however its not going so well..

I feel like Im losing my mind with all these thoughts, dreams.. and just can't really get a grip on things.. I have a headache right now I guess Im tired which is a first for me in a long while...but it's good..

I am wishing I could be with my cousin and just be a shoulder to cry on as he has been for me in the past.. I wish that I could just chill with him, hear his stories and just be by his side... I hate that he is not here..not around for me to be there for him...he's leaving tomorrow to go to Mission and I can't go even if I wanted too.. cause I have to work.. I mean I could skip one day but it would be too difficult for me to be gone...to be away..

things are just getting a little too overwhelming and I also have to figure things out.. I mean really really just sit and think about things.. I need to write and I need to just I dont know.. find myself...
a friend of mine talked to me today and her and I haven't spoken or wrote in a long time.. i wrote her today because I was really upset and when she talked to me.. it was like a little piece of me was able to shine through these dark times...it's that piece that still holds onto God, it's that piece that lingers on me wheneevr Im alone or at my worst.
i was looking through old entries from my other blog and I had found some things that were related to the chrisitianity part of me.. the part of me that has been dead for so long..gone for so long.. the passion I had for God, the indepth love he has for me.. it's a lot of greatness.. however.. he does not fit in my life for now.. I still can't get over what's happened in my life.. these last few years.. and I can't say I apologize for the choices I've made.. I have and am facing the consequences of my choices.. I miss being alive believe me I do...

everytime Im out Im always remembering what my life was like...what it was like to have fun.. like with my real friends the people who supported me and helped me grow up, they helped me become the woman I am today...they put that passion in my life...that passion and love for God. I was remember all those crazy wacky fun times I had..without drinking.. and it's like what am I really doing with my life? what's really going on....

women have become my weakness they have always been my greatest weakness and it's hard to let go of that part of me..it's hard to think of allowing myself to be with a man...marry a man.. with all the history I have..and if not that..then the idea of children...and maybe Im thinking and have been thinking WAY TOOO FAR in the future.. but at the same time i haven't met a lot of good men in my life..and those I did meet have become friends..if not friends then one night stands with some mishaps along the way...
I think of my friends who are pregnant... and it scares me..it really does.. I have such a fear of children and being pregnant... I mean it's too scary..it's too difficult to think of that again.. I mean the past was easy to go through I had it easy because I had my Christian friends, and those who helped me get what needed to be done done.. no questions asked..

I dont know what's going on with me... I dont know what's going on with my future... or my choices..but I feel so sad...not just because of the pain we have suffered..but that I have never felt so helpless...my friend she told me that I was the light, that I had the love of God in me.. and she doesn't know I dont follow that stuff anymore..she has always been my one friend that has blessed my life...she is my mentor..I admire her strength and courage, her everything..she's an amazing woman of God... and yet.. here I am.. I remember all those times we had.. spending time with her..hearing her heart..and just loving the love she has for God...for her children.. and for her faith.. and yet here I am..
I am confused about where I stand..or should stand..what I should be doing and shouldn't be doing... following my heart..well it's tainted with the lies or desires I have for something more then a man..but at the same time.. I need to get away...

I honestly need to runaway..just hide in a place..no phone, no e-mail no nothing just hiding.. enjoying life..writing new stories..new everything.. but then I would feel lost without those things because those are my things...that's how I communicate with everyone... it's like Im safe because I only communicate through those sources, rather then calling up a friend and saying hey lets go for coffee... I just e-mail people..tell them all the gory details of my life...but not to the nitty gritty because I know they couldn't handle that..
not that they can't handle that but that it would be I dont know...

im just saying a bunch of nonsense now.. I guess as sad and hurt as i am.. Im just tired now.. it's been a long day and a lot of heartache has come my way...and I just feel far...far from everything and hoping to just step out of this you know? like pretend or something..because to really really deal with it...I don't think I could stand it...

good night