Monday, May 12, 2008

it will be worth it in the end

I will be the answer
At the end of the lineI will be there for you
While you take the time
In the burning of uncertainty
I will be your solid ground
I will hold the balance
If you can't look down
If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all gone out
You'll still be burning so bright
Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind
Take me to a Place so holy
That I can wash this from my mind
The memory of choosing not to fight
If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end'
Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all burned out
You'll still be burning so bright
Cast me gentlyInto morning
For the night has been unkind

Where to begin..what to to say it...

I have found myself in the place.. this place where there are so little things that I can say or would want to say...

I have often thought of this or actually just recently thought of this...

I had a friend.. a friend that knew me right away.. someone that I began to cherish and admire for her courage to say what she did.. for her to be the way she is..
someone I talked to everyday of my life these last few weeks.. She became the highlight of my life because my world had seemed so alone.. and so broken. dealing with these emoitions was overwhelming.. but talking to her... gave me the hope of surviving everyday and really trying to change myself to become something more then I am..or have been..

however like all great things..they must come to an end.. I cannot allow myself to fall into that trap again... meaning that I did not and do not want her to have the responsibility of taking care of me...I loved the idea of changing for myself.. to become more aware of my hunger pains, more aware of my emotions.. she helped me with that.. she helped me come back to life after my most recent break-up..

however with all things... I said and done some things that I wish I hadn't.. however at the same time... I dont regret it because I loved seeing her, and I loved being able to talk to her in person rather then on the phone and made me so happy to be able to be with her.. talking to her, looking at her...and just hearing her stories and sharing my own...
It's been a really difficult time letting that go you know?

I felt that I had found a friend..someone thought would have stood by me for a long time, someone I had come to admire and appreciate.. somoeone I could learn from and share myself with...share the greatest and worst moments of my life, but having her know that I have survived all these terrible things in my life.. as I will continue to fight for my life.. continue to be all that I can...

It was really heartbreaking to have lost that friend..lost that conversation..lost that moment of just loving her being in my life...

I can only wish for a friend like that in the future.. someone that I can rely on and be there for them. I know that Im an amazing friend to those who come into my life..and I wish and hope that never changes..
I've learned from the past..learned that we always have to let go..let go and continue on..

I know how difficult it I've lost many friends and lost pieces of my heart in the past.. but I also the end of the the end of my will all be worth it... it will be worth it because I have had the opportunity to love and be loved, encourage and be encouraged...

Im not angry...Im not going to die of this pain...but I will learn from it and continue to love this friend of mine because she was a wonderful friend..and losing her was really difficult but its not something that will break me.. or bring me down...

I loved her as a friend... she had so many amazing qualities...and she had a great personality and I loved sharing myself with her..loving hearing her talk and loved the description she gave about the flower...I wont forget that night..and I wont regret that night... but I also know that I just need to let this all go... and really find my future...

the lyrics I shared earlier are the lyrics of an amazing song that Im loving like crazy... just wanted to share that...

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