I never want it to end like this.. I don't know what's wrong with me and I don't know why I am acting this way, an I don't know how to solve a fuckin problem that I don't even know what it is.
I wish it was deadly enough to use as an excuse just to give up. but the fact that I'm out and about I guess it's not.
I don't get why there was another argument about reassurance... fuck I hardly hear from her all day, I hardly know anything about her all day, and when I do... it's nothing specific adn it's always just garbage that makes no sense to me.
but when it's about me! YES IM STRUGGLING!
how much more clear do I need to be. that I am having a god damn hard time with my daily life! I am not working, I have no supports in my life, and I have no family! and I am reaching out, trying to get shit together but no matter what the fuck I do it's NEVER enough! I'm losing my mind
I obviously want her to give up on me. because I feel like that's the outcome of what bs argument there is today. the fact that she asks for honesty and then I'm honest and now she says she will disregard my negative BS, and just whatever then why ask? why even care.
Your setting boundaries..then why should I tell you anything. why should it matter.. if the answer is always the same.. I'm not supposed to be driving, I'm not supposed to be alone, and i don't know how to feel better. and here I am struggling and now I am not allowed to say that. so what!!! WHAT IS THERE to talk about. nothing!
I try to say it's not about her or me, or us it's my own shit, because I don't like waiting, i don't like not knowing what's wrong with me, and I dont like that my body hurts, my head hurts, god life is hard. yes but when I lose all my supports, and now I'm losing the one person who says she'd stand by me, then why bother! why move forward! why do I bother with thisBS!
why does she!
you know I TRY I fucking TRY to make it not about me. and instead she always bring it back to me, or doesn't respond or doesn't even talk to me. and then you wonder why evreything is always negative. she knows what its like to go throgh this shit as she just did! BUT SHE HAD PEOPLE! she had supports in her life. and i have nothing. no one, and now my tiny little circle of people is dwindling smaller and smaller to absoluetly nothing.
I hate that I am putting her through this. and that she is making it harder to want to talk to her, or be with her because she won't let me be honest.. am I not allowed to feel what I feel! do you know how hard it is to walk out of the hospital NO ANSWERS and be here with no answers.
I just don't want to care anymore. I don't want to keep this BS game up. I am tired of hurting, and I'm tired that she just keeps laying this on me. and it's always my fault. I TRIED I TRIED I TRIED to talk to her, I tried to say ANYTHING else at all adn it always NEVER a response, never good enogh, she says she doesn't like to text but it's all she does! she says she doesn't want reassurance then fine! I won't give that shit either. we'll just be whatever we are. and that's it. nothing more nothing less.
why do we do this! why does this matter! I TOLD HER that I was happy! we were happy things were finally coming togehter.! AND THEN I collapsed, and I repeatedly did so and now I am in a place of unknown, an she doesn't get what that means, neither do I , but why ask me then. why talkto me then if you don't really care then why bother messaging me,? why talk to me?
If you loved me... WHO the fuck knows what you'd do if you LOVED me, because there is no answer that would make sense. Because maybe I am worthy of all that bs but you know it HASNT BEEN MY EXPERIENCE MY ENTIRE LIFE!
I am trying. I am trying. I told her, repeatedly I am trying to get help, I have help now and now this happens, my life feels like it's all on HOLD while I deal with whatever medical shit this is before i can fuckin go back to dealing with the important shit that will make me a better person.
I HATE the world. I hate my life. and I hate that I feel alone! I hate that no matter how much I try to explain that, that no one understands.. how hard it is, and how shitty it feels. I wish I wish I wish... jst for once that she could see what I am feeling, or care enogh to be here to feel what I feel in one moment of that feeling to understand why it's so hard to be OK everyday!
I want to cry. I want to scream. I want so much to have her in my life, but teh cost to her may be too high that maybe it's not worth it. maybe this is me truly breaking us becase that is EXACTLY WHAT I DO! which I was trying to avoid......
I allowed our happiness.I allowed us to talk abot the future, I allowed us to laugh. and now we're here. and she just hurts and I am hurting her. and why do I bother if that's ALL I AM GOING TO FUCKIN DO!
IDK what to do but I I don't know anymore............. I don't want to leave, and i don't want to go, but maybe that's what's best for her. because I don't know who I am right now. I know that I am struggling, and I FEEL alone,and she doesn't understand that, no one seems too.. and people say you need to learn to be ok iwht that! I"VE BEEN ALONE ALL MY LIFE! I have been alone ALL THE almost 4 years of raising my kid! I don't care about being alone, that's not waht I fuckin mean, and i don't know how to explain that. and that' is killing me...that she can't hear me.
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