world is what it is

I'm currently struggling with lots of thoughts. A lot of misconception about myself. I am trying to be ok but honestly I wish some of the choices I made weren't what they are. Or that I didn't feel so alone in it all to be able to be honest and feel like i could be heard during this time.

I've found myself in a weird head space in trying to i guess make sense of everything I mean the person I become. Is still a mystery to me. No matter what it's me in all my words an actions but it's also not me. I don't get how to explain that.

I'm struggling with thoughts that came about an I'm struggling with whether it's safe to ask questions even though I know the answers. I've always known the answers then why do I need to hear them? What does it do

For what felt like first time for me...we talked about the Future.. an it was Beautiful...but also completely insane because when I look to the future a part of me can see it, and parts of me wants to speak those into reality. I believe in the love that I have found but the other part of that.. is our dark sides.. we both have trauma and I guess we have to learn to deal with that in healthy ways so that we don't mess with my kids future..  but then if this is what I think it could be..  ugh I cannot say it enough.. 

It's amazing to feel happiness.  I have no doubts about our desires or our future. I dont the other side of me... when I speak about this other side of me I'm speaking of similarity of the movie "Split" I'm not saying there's all these  people living in my body but that I believe in one. One part of me that is darkness that has been telling me lies? Or telling me things for self preservation If that makes angel sense. I've been tested I've been hurt and I have hurt 

I always think that part of me accepts the love I'm in and that I can enjoy the happiness...but then something happens. Like the other day without even trying to ruin anything I seemed to have sabotaged it all for no reason 

We were within reason to want to do whatever.. but maybe the communication was lacking? I don't know. Some days were on a level that is immovable but other times it's like we're on different planets an its in those times I see or feel she is being realistic sn then I act? I react? I don't know how to explain it 

It's as though I'm reacting or cresting or reading into things that have no merit. Why can't I accept the love an acceptance that she clearly feels for me.

I sometimes joke around that she better care for me. But she's proven it.. enough times. 

Then why does this other part of me do these things or read this way

I just know I need help...  I know that I'm in a place in my head that I can get out of. But I also feel like this other part of me doesn't want to get out of it? An or I wanna remain scared of taking the next step? But what is the step? And when does it happen

Idk I'm rambling.... I'm grateful for the life we live but I also not sure what do I do....

How do I try make it greater