feeling helpless

 It feels like no matter what I do, say, or act it's never enough.. I'm stuck with these thoughts of hopelessness, these thoughts of who'd be better off.. I don't like all these moments of sadness, or moments of pain, and I just want to be able to help, support, bring an ounce of happiness, or joy.. but instead... I just feel like I'm part of the problem, because i can't seem to get out of my own head about it all, and I can't seem to know, say, or act the right way. 

It makes the process so much more difficult because I'm not wanting to make it about me, but once we were in this place and it helped to be around me, and now that isn't the case, that I am any better than whatever.. it makes me want to cry, because I feel like I don't know what to do, and I don't know what to say, and I don't know how to act.
I think for me as a person... I care so deeply, if I could I'd take on all this pain, all this brokenness that she felt for as long as she has felt, just to take it on for her and let her live free of it, just for now, let her see a light, the light, whatever fucking thing that just makes her feel something other than whatever shes feeling..
I need to do those things because that's who I have always been.. and yet here I am doing nothing, being nothing, and thinking I am nothing.. I am not worthy enough to take this on, I'm not strong enough to carry her, or whatever, and in these moments I just want to destroy myself, because it' hurts... it hurts the one person I love, an want to be with has no desires or hopes, or ideas about the future that are positive... I don't know how to get out of this. and I know that I have to find a way, because this won't be the first time we are here. because it's repeat cycle, we go through these dark places, but before I felt like I could help, and now i feel like I'm part of the burden 

I reach out for help trying to ask for advice, trying to ask how to be here, and the answers are shitty, and then I'm stuck feeling worse, with only what feels like one option... to shut it all down, to stop letting myself feel anything, because it's not my shit to carry, but if someone you love is going through stuff, do you not go through it too, because we have to be there for them, even if we can't do anything for them.  I hate these moments..because I always make bad choices in these moments, and I don't want too. 

I hate that no matter what happens we've rarely caught a break, we've rarely been able to be anywhere worthy of happiness and joy.. and that even if I take a moment to try let that love and happiness prevail it always gets shot down, and I refuse to walk away, I refuse to give up, I see the future can be great, I see that we can be happy, I see so much greatness, so much laughter, so much joy, and I don't know how to let her see that we deserve that, it's funny we fought a lot because I couldn't see happiness, and now it's all I see, and it's all I want to strive toward, because we deserve it, we've been through too much, and no matter how many hurdles, how may stumbles, we will get there. I will find a way, I'll be happy with her, and we'll find a balance, build a life, and be forever together always.. because that is all we want.. 
Yes I'm crazy!

I know it's crazy..but it's reality it's possible, it's literally just around the corner... but we have to get through this I geuss.. I feel shitty I can't be any kind of joy and happiness for her, and I wish there was something i could say or do to make it be real for her, but I just don't know anymore.. I need guidance and I need hope... IDK. I'm hating what has happened... and how it feel s