I definitely only want positive changes and I definitely want a forever lasting love. But that's just hope or wishes...
Recently... out of what randomness of life. My partner sent me a message saying she's lucky to have me. And I stated it wasn't luck it's love. Now I don't doubt anything in the universe.
But I did start to think about luck. What is luck? How many times can someone be lucky ? How many times can love be found an lavished ? Idk. What I'm getting at but I'm confused how lucky it is to have someone in their lives.
When we met we were in one another lives... an me being me I didn't see the love she had for me. Or at least the desire she had to be with me. I was completely thinking I wasn't even an option. I thought something completely different.. and it took my best friend to tell me what likely was in front of my face for months. I believe when I was told... I was finally ready to hear it. Before knowing what she knew. I was somewhere else into someone who wouldn't give me the time of day... whcih was great. I definitely don't want to be an option or 2nd choice. I believe that my love for people I love is undeniable an unbreakable. At least my brain thinks this.
But the things I think about... is when... when did she know that she would love me. That she would want to be with me.
I'm beyond grateful an absolutely infatuated with one person yes. But when we got together I hardly could see the future. I hardly knew it would be possible to be where we are, an not only that but to look to the future.
I spent so much time trying to hide from happiness. Trying to hide from being loved. I pushed too far an for a very brief moment I lost that love. An I fought to get it back...promising I wouldn't become the person I was. The person I name as my beast of burden
But for me in choosing to not allow that part of me to come to life it's almost like it's always in my head.
I scream.. I yell. I preach about how happy I am How amazing it feels to be loved. To be in love. But there's a part of me I feel it. There is a part of me that is still here afraid?
I keep remembering that quote or whatever about finding love an how people do everything they can to hold onto it but that....they forget to enjoy it.
I dont truly remember everything. But I definitely don't want to spend my time doubting the love and happiness.
I do wonder what luck is though. How does luck play a role in how we found one another how does luck tell us we're happy. Or how do we feel lucky to be with someone. If the luck has something to do with us does that mean happiness an love are here as well? Not just that but the commitment of it all. In looking to the future. And all the beauty it holds etc.
Why does luck bother me. Why does it sound strange to be lucky to have been found ? Or to have love found for us or within one another? I don't get it lol
I love where we're at. But I also only want the best the future has to offer us. We all deserve happiness an love. An I want to lavish in that forever.
I'm overthinking everything right now. I just got to live in the now. An be happy to be in our love. Have faith in our love. And build on that. Does that make sense.
I feel like I'm losing my mind right now...the race is on and I'm trying to not let it get too far...but I need something to hold onto. Idk idk. I don't know what I'm talking about.
Keep moving forward in the love.......
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