day of struggle

 It felt like the first time in awhile... that we finally sort of opened up about situations regarding today, or weaknesses.. these are my favorite topics because we talk, we talk real, we get real into it an we learn another thing about one another that we didn't know before. but like so many struggling people in the world.. how do we get through it.. how do we find the way through the dark moments? 
I feel like a failure that I couldn't do more? be more? act more? or have the right words in it all. I just have love and understanding and maybe that's enough but it doesn't feel like it.. 

I'm struggling with my own stuff in the world of parenthood.. the struggle of all the ideas of everything i've given up for my kid.. you know some parents? in normal word have time to decide on all this, have time to cope with what they want to do. but me... I remember when we started this process.. I dont think I thought it through.. I thought that his parents would come back, I thought they'd blow off some steam and come back.. but they havent yet. 
I'm realizing that the years that have gone by.. I'm terrified of failing this kid.. I'm terrified of doing wrong by him, I hardly know how to be a parent, I hardly know how to take care of myself.. and I'm expected to what? provide for him for the next 20 yrs? or longer. that is a lot to think about, and more so with not having a family, or the proper supports with family. 
I just don't want to destroy this poor kid who deserves a chance at a good life and good future worth living and fighting for, but I just feel like his biggest obstacle could be having me in his life... just because I've got my own brokenness, my own shortcomings, my own faults, my own demons.. 

I love so much... I love so deeply. I love so affectionately I don't know any other way, and I hardly know how this way benefits me. because not everyone can and/or is capable of this kind of love. 

I don't even know if it's love. you know I thought of that today.. Love was never part of my upbringing, I mean I'm sure they didn't have me randomly maybe they did, but love was never part of our language at all, it wasn't something that was said, of hugs, or anything of the sort. it was only when I became a teenager that I started searching for love.. and one day that love knocked on my door.. and i was invited to church and I started going, and that was where I found a love, deeper than I've ever felt, and the love and unity between the people i met, that was the first time for me.. and IDK I don't know how those things stuck with me, but I knw in my heart of hearts, I didn't ever want my family to grow up not knowing love, so I tried to share wtih them all the things I had wished my family had done wiht me. like the hugs, the ILY and the nightly books,and bs whatever. 

I just feel unworthy of it all today 

the world is what it is.. and I am who I am.. the choices I've made that led me to now..were mine..adn the choices I made to the next month adn that no one knows about all that is hard to live with. 
people out here celebrating this shit.. and I spent the next four weeks in agonizing silent pain and struggling to find purpose in each day. 
IDK.. I am not who I was.. but I still feel that pain as if it were yesterday. I know time heals blah blah blah but does it heal when we dont tell people the truth? 
IDK. 

It feels shitty..

I feel crappy.. and the days that follow idk... strive to keep moving forward but I may hit some obstacles and brick walls on the way to greatness...just hope I can withstand it I guess.