struggle is real

 I dont know where to begin... I dont know what to say.. I don't know how to feel anymore... I am struggling with thoughts, struggling with fears becoming reality, and struggling with constant triggers. 

I want to blame the world for the pain I've endured... I want the people that hurt me to suffer. 
I dont feel that I deserve the life Im living.. 

I hate to question everything that is important.. I wanted to make it all work. I wanted to be loved, cherished, and whatever else that meant that I was able to have a life. 
but for the past while... as I have been reviewing all this past bit... I realize how much I benefit the other person and not myself. what I give up in terms of myself... 

you know when we first got together it was fun, beautiful, and when I called and needed her she was there in a heartbeat, but now like I said... it's not likely to happen.. 
now... we are still somewhat the same except that there isn't much in my life... and so it's easy to fixate on wanting to be with her, where as she can go and enjoy her life with whatever else she has going on, basically world moving on without me. 
recently we took some fun pictures and I realized... they weren't for me, but maybe someone else.. IDK. 

I also realize that all this bs devotion... is all in words..no actions.. explain to me how that works? I wasn't haven't ever heard her publicly display her love for me, they I have for her. and maybe that's enough in itself to know that I am the only one who's all in. 
I need the reassurance, I need something, anything, and the worst is she knows this...and yet here i am.. doubting...questioning, and not getting my own needs and desires met. 

I don't know how to get away.. I don't know what difference it makes whether Im here or not... Im struggling with belonging, struggling with family, struggling with friends, every time I bring this up it triggers emotions...because I'm reminded how alone I truly am. 
with her... I thought it was family, I thought it was purpose, I thought it was something worth living for, but I can't put that on her. I can't ask her to be that for me, and therefore... if I do that..what's left for us? she doesn't love me.. she doesn't care if I'm alive or dead right now, and there's no reason for me to be in her life.. I thought there was.. I thought we could make it work, and build on all this bs similar shit regarding family, building a family, and making a family, having this bs idea of forever love, but I realize this is all a fantasy. it's not possible... its not possible that i want this... I will destroy this rather then see it come to life, because i of all people do not deserve that type of love and devotion. 
I deserve pain, torment and heartache....

I can tell you almost fully all the people who would say that I deserve that because of all the things I've done in my life, maybe not horrific enough. but enough to be never forgiven, and to forever be outcast and on my own. 

so tell her...

Tell her

tell her that I love her. I have loved her from the first few weeks we met, I love her spirit, I love her soul, I absolutely loved her smile, and I loved her hand in mine, I love the way she slept with me, and the way we were so new that we felt the need to keep one another close, I love the way when I called or messaged that I needed her that she'd show up.
I love that when shit went down with my kid and the insane crazy stuff I was talking about doing, that she was right there with me.. ready to go to battle with me just for the sanity of my kid.
I love everything that we had before it turned into whatever this is now... I miss the days where she couldn't wait to talk to me, when she would call, and do whatever to hear from me, I miss her being passionate about me, and telling me she wanted to tell the whole world about me, or us.. I miss that I was the person she loved, that she did these beautiful things for... I miss the days when I felt special with her, and now I feel shitty..being reminded what I am getting all messed up over.. a few days of darkness... IDK>

I don't know how to reach her, and ask her to sit with me, how to ask her to talk to me... how to ask her to connect with me.. IDK how to do that, and if I asked.. I know I'd disrupt our lives for no reason. or she may not even want to show up. who knows. who the hell know.s.. I'll never get the answer I want though, she was right it's never enough with her. 

im losing my memory. Im losing my love. and I'm losing my purpose to wake up everyday.