Its weird to write this after everything I wrote earlier.. I realize now that I get in my head, and overthink absolutely everything and then i fall apart on my own. I pay the price for those as well. Everything I wrote was not truth, was not real, and was not me..
It feels beyond difficult to know what is truth, what is real, and what is worth having in my life. Reality is this..
I am in a relationship.. as much as there have been moments of doubt, moments of fear, there is something that has held true beyond all those things..and it's love... Recently I had told my partner that I doubted whether this was real, and her response was remember us... An in saying that... I realized what we've been through.. it's been an intense relationship for the months it's been, the downfalls both of us have had but stood by one another.. and the love beyond all things, and non-judgements where else do we get that?
If I would have voiced my fears or concerns to her the day it all happened, what happened would not have happened, and that's where I have to man up? open up? All my own fears are exactly that! MY OWN FEARS. reality is she is committed, she loves me more than she's ever loved before, and she wants a forever love with me.
I remember when we got back together I had said we may not be a forever love, but we are a love right now, and now it is on the verge to forever.
What downfalls are there for us? We both have the same values, same desires, and same love, and same drive to push one another to do better? Or not that we both love one another to want to be better on our own?
I don't know.. I'm speaking crazy shit!
It feels like a love I need right now.. after everything thats happened, all the changes I'm moving towards now.. there is hope for love for me...
I really felt the loss...when everything fell apart.. I felt the brokenness of knowing what I'm walking away from, and I felt the pain of that.. but now....
Now it's like I'm walking to a love that is forever, a love that has withstood the hands of the devil, and the angels... IDK. Whatever love we have found has been sacred beautiful and breathtaking...
In my mind... I question EVERYTHING!!!!
AN I'm always waiting for the real reality to kick in an knock me down and say haha fooled you, because who am I to deserve this love? Who am I to deserve happiness?
Do you know how hard it was to accept this? and to hold onto it? or to be terrified of losing it?
I've been through so much, my partner has been through so much... and we both are at a point in our lives where we found love.. real love..not the fake love, def not the pandemic love (hehe) but real hardcore, solid to the earth, true to our souls a love deeper than either of us have ever felt before..
we strive to keep it alive, we communicate, we love, we spend time, we talk, we do whatever we can to keep us strong.. but... for me...
because I am who I am.. I've come from where I've come from.. I struggle.. I often struggle with why did she say that, why did she tell me this, what is it she means by this.. and then I go into these dark places like maybe this love isn't what she wants, or strives for, or maybe she'll finally see the beast and be terrified because it isn't a nice person, it isn't a person..
but each day... each morning, each night.. we love stronger, harder and deeper. we are a love that lasts, we are a love that is public viewing, we are a beautiful soul as one, and we are two halves of a perfect soul apart.
so then we say.....
what's next!!!
what's next is insane! because we talk about family. we talk about marriage, we talk about EVERYTHING and in that talk.. I get excited and terrified. because if and when this fucks up it will be me.. as much as I try hold true to my word of love an bond to her, there are days when I am not me, and I am completely someone else, and that someone else is super destructive, and super sabotaging, and that is also who I am, but sometimes, like she said I sabotage myself.. and I let things pile up to resentment..
THe beast of me.. is me..but not...
That thing! that person.. that piece of me is darkness..my verison of darkness that is set loose to protect me, by whatever form that it may take, shutting off my emotions, self-harm, or burning bridges with all those that love me..
not suicide please don't get me wrong.. I do not think that way I mean I have.. but what I'm talking about is someone, something that comes to my defense, just in saying that..maybe you don't understand..
I'll use metaphore.. think of VENOM the movie with Tom Hardy.. He gets infected by the Venom and becomes someone, but there are times he becomes that part of him as a way of self-preservation, and in that body 2 people exist, one is the soft, investigative reporter, and the other chops off peoples heads and eats them lol.
but that's what I mean.. the other part of him is the part that comes to his defense, protects him, and pushes him sometimes to do not good things.
that's what I believe happens to me.. and although sometimes I remember those encounters with myself and the person I was... sometimes I look back at messages I've sent and I don't know who would say those things, what went on in my head to make me say those things. Does that make sense?
IDK... I'm just crazy!!
Good news finally getting help.. I've reached help point now... and sent out dozens of emails, and applications, searching for help.. and I finally found it. so I'm grateful for that...
alls I want to do is move forward and not destroy the love we have right now, but to lavish in its beautiful memories, and laughters, and happiness...
in order to do that I have to deal with my darkness.. to move on from it..
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