I have to write because it's all I have to do... It's hard each day being alone, I'm sure that's how a lot of people felt while they were in lock down or in isolation.. that desire to belong, or connect with another.
I felt like the last 24 hours I just crave attention and/or just ask to be heard or talked too and it turns into some bs that doesn't make any sense or difference. It hurts when I talk to people an it makes no sense and/or they believe that I am trying to lay shit on them, when reality is i just wanted a distraction... doesn't that make sense? that being stuck inside all day and night not going anywhere or doing anything, not knowing what's going on for me, or where I'm at and having no one to talk too.
Today was one of those days that I just felt like my partner is completely far away and it is hard when that happens because I'm already far away, I'm already feeling lost and feeling hurt and broken...and to have her also chose to not talk to me, or connect to me. it hurts.
and then my friends or friend messaged but instead of just talking to me it was being bombarded with BS, like i'm not doing my job, no I am not doing my fucking job I'm struggling mad! do you know how hard it is when I am here but I am not!
that my brain is doing whatever it's doing... and how my instincts just want to do something completely wrong, and just to destroy everything!
I talked to my counselor today whom I had hoped that would understand where I'm coming from but instead it didn't turn out that way, instead their advice was to call a crisis line, but I'm not talking about wanting to fuckin cry about my BS life, I am just wanting to know what's going on outside in teh world.
i feel like I don't matter
idiots tell me that I matter. that what Im doing matters or whatever but why if that is true why am I alone! I want to give up on all the people who are trying to be here for me, I want to walk away, they deserve better. and I am not worth that much... someone tried to say I'm great.. or that I have some sort of bs power that people want to come in my life to support me but reality is I feel like a burden. I'm told not to lie. but its all i want to do! I want to do something stupid!
you know what I didn't think of! what if I don't get the answers what if nothing is wrong with me and now I've given up all this time and shit for no reason... and then what's next! what if I am dreaming all this crap in my head.
I just need to feel like I can talk to anyone..
Im tired of talking to people who aren't responding to me, who are living their own lives not caring about me\
I just want to give up on asking for help or lying that Im ok when I dont feel ok.
I dont know what to think right now... amd I dont like feeling lost adn thats where I am at. because all the silence it pisses me off....the lack of reassurance and lack of everything would be relevant to my life.
I just want to stop.... I hate that my life is this right now. I hate feeling like this... I just dont want to talk to people who dont care about me or want to talk to me anymore.
How do I find myself. how do I find out how to come out of this? or what if i don't wnat to come out of this how do I do that.
Im back to they deserve better... that if they had never met me their life might be better than this... and IDK why I get here, but I just want to let go.
I want to let go... and I don't wnat to but I also dont mean too......
but why why does being in my life right now make their life better.! I AM NOT BETTER! I hardly know whoI am right now! I am not myself. I'm vulnerable, I am needy, I am wanting to cry, and I am wanting to make poor choices and I don't get what the point is anymore... why does it matter if I am in thier lives, so many people have had no problem walkinig out of my life, nad acting like they had never met me or known me, because deep down that's the shitty person I am.
I just struggling right now.... I don't know how to get out of this... and I don't know what to do anymore... I just don't know.. I feel like a failure I feel like garbage
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