inevitable pain

 I'm still struggling.. I guess should be no surprise... I have been waiting to get an MRI on my brain for over a week now, I know lots of people need help but I feel desperate need.... I'm getting so down, so sad, and I'm feeling like I'm suffering so harshly. 

today I tried to get out but it was terrible.. I felt so crappy... everything hurt and felt sick to my stomach, dizzy, and everything, than I took the medication and I was ok.. I found out the meds are nothing special pain reliever and blood thinner, basically makes me think that maybe somewhere in my brain something is going on that is making it hard to survive day to day because the blood vessels in my brain are what cause the pain? whether true or not I'm not sure. 

I have people in my corner. I have lots of support but I feel alone because I'm not exactly sure how to explain the pain, it's like a migraine but 100x worse but to add to it would be blurred vision, and stomach problems, I had a pain in my side by my ribs throughout the day. you'd think maybe I slept on it but I didn't because I don't sleep on my left side not since the car accident. 

My partner along with everyone says think positive, stay positive but its not that easy... not when I have more questions then answers, and that I feel like not myself... 
I tried really hard to be ok today, but I just wanted to be in bed... and I've been in bed ever since, but this can't be life... I have to get back to wherever I was before all of this... it's been really hard... 

I have been slipping into darkness, drowning in my own loneliness it's hard because people don't get that. they think I can get up and walk and sometimes I can but not really not legally, I cannot go when I've tried it's turned into bad shit.. 
I just wish I wish I had a way to distract myself from the mess...the stuff in my brain... it is really hard.. 

I don't know if I should think if it's bad should I just fuck it all? if it's not bad and treatable what will happen... 
I just want answers. I want to get through this but I also want to stop feeling this way...

I want to get back to my happy life with my future wife.. lol I wish. but maybe... we were on our way to greatness and now everything for us is on hold, and she is being so patient in holding onto me but we've done this for so long we deserve a break you know? 

ANYWAY I just had to write... because my brain is what it is... and it's hurting now so I can't continue sharin my thoughts