feeling pain

 I wish there were easier ways to express the emotions that I have... like being able to communicate how difficult it was today to not feel the love.. feeling like maybe I've done something wrong.. my own mentality.. 

I have struggled all day with these shitty thoughts... wondering how anyone could love this type of monster of me..and I dont mean the good part of me but the bad part, the part that doubts everything, second guesses everything, and the part of me that is completely psychotic in ever human way. 
I don't believe that part of me deserves love, or no.. I don't know if that part of me can feel love. 

I am struggling... I am breaking down every couple minutes because I'm hurting, I'm hurting because I didn't voice my pain, I didn't voice the rejection I felt, or the lack of love that I felt.. and what it brings up for me.. which is lame because I should be used of it....
Reality is this!

once you captivate, motivate, uplift, or love...its something that you desire, yearn, want as often as can be given, and when there's no love... or whatever all the old feelings come back like maybe your not loved, your not cared for

I'm mad struggling right now... 

I want to call.. I want her to feel me feeling this way and to call. but I don't think she will. 

Im struggling with what's real.. or if this this reality is worth moving forward with.. is it too much... why did we talk like that? why did we mention that. why why why! 

how can we love...when we can't even communicate properly. it's not just me.. its not just me.. and I don't understand. 

I just need to figure this out.. I need to know what I should do.. I don't know what to do.. most would say call but if I call.. I guarantee I'll mess this all up over whatever non truth is going on in my head. but if i don't call I'm still where I am..and IDK what to do.. I feel sick.

alot of the last little bit I've been struggling with "belonging" to any family an any person.. that can make anyone feel lost.. when you spend your whole life as this person and now I'm not that person any longer, and in fact I'm planning on burying that person.. but now for now.. I feel lost.. I feel locked somewhere not knowing who I am, or who I'm meant ot be.. 
and maybe because of that my feelings of wanting to give up on all that is good, all that is great allegedly. although I don't get how it's great or good.. I feel the opposite.. 

i dont know.. i feel beyond shitty.. and I dont have the desire to call..but I do.