I haven't written that much lately mainly because I've been going through what has felt like a terrible experience. for odd reasons beyond my control my body? my mind? my heart? I don't know what it is but something has been up with me.. and I've been forced to come to a reality that I didn't have to face in a long time.
seeing as I've been clear that I don't or have chosen to not have a family or all that bs... I guess I can write about what had happened... I found myself in the hospital not just once but 2x.
the first one was the worst experience in my life.. actually no because of the society we live in I should be used of that kind of racism.... but it was painful to be put in a position such as this and to not have anyone advocate for me.
the end result was BS. because they gave me no legit answers, and they also racially profiled me as what Id rather not say...
I ended up wasting 6 hours of my life to find out no answers and then after midnight drove myself home....
then within 24 hours while at home it happened again... and this time... thankfully I just happened to have the right people in my life to help me through these times. it was beyond diffcult.. as I have always been somewhat strong person who can take on and handle anything but this...this was beyond me...
while on a call for help with some friends.. I of course called my lover... I tried really hard to deny letting her come over, letting her take me anywhere, or letting anything come of it.
but it ended up getting worse... worse to the point that I could no longer speak, or see, and i can no longer text.
but as I sat there on the phone with her... I finally asked her... about when we met... how we met. or when she knew that I was someone she had wanted in her life...
and her side...her idea of that day is funny..because to be honest... I didn't see it... it actually took me two months before I was ready to be ready for her. the reason was because I got hung up on someone who obviously was just fckin with my head.
but in talking to my partner...and spending time with her..and standing by her through her shitty ordeal.. we grew on one another... and although I'd love to say we lived happily ever after...
reality is this..
happiness is not something I understand... it is not something that I can comprehend as goodness in my life because I had allowed myself for so long to believe that in being happy something bad had always happened, and because of this mindset... I repeatedly brought that into the universe.
Now it is hard for someone like me who has grown up as long as I have with all my own oppression, my own tragedies, my own short comings, and most importantly without love.
so with all my own past. my own stuff what is it that I would do? I would do everything I can to repeatedly sabotage our relationship because I was scared... and of course it ended up that I destroyed us. without even knowing it. it was like I had repeatedly written before.. that I became a completely different person and I destroyed all that was good in our relationship.
I ended it.. i take that on because it was truly me that had done that.
but in doing so it wasn't me adn I fought to get her back... i knew that I was wrong and that I wanted it back, I wanted the happiness. I believed in the happiness. and I believed that there could be balance. and it took me a week to get that together adn to get her to believe that too.. because I had hurt her so badly that I cannot even describe what I had done without even wanting to be that person.
however...since... we came back.
I made all these choices and decisions and everything I could possibly do to make it up to her... because went happened wasn't supposed to happen the way it had, and I dont know how much damage I had caused her, but for me... I regretted every decision in that conversation I had said or made. the way I treated her, and disrespected her. I never thought I had a chance.
but.... she let me come back, she told me that I would have to rebuild everything I broke.
for the first few weeks it felt impossible.. but it also felt right.. because having her hand in mine, having her in my arms, or kissing her lips.. it was right, it was beautiful. but I also knew that I caused her pain that I never meant too.. and i thought we'd not recover from that.
we are now over a month of coming back....
and I have completely devoted my life, my heart, my soul to this one person. I stood by her through everything, I helped her rebuild all the things that she needed help with, and I helped her come back to me, to believing in me, and us. it was not an easy task, a lot of moments we both had one point wanted to give up because we both have short comings...
but what I've noticed......
when it comes right down to it... when it comes to actually needing someone, needing that reassurance or love in that moment it's always there.
when I heard her tell me that she knew from that first lunch out... I cried.. because I wish I knew it when she did. but I wasn't ready... I knew it later...
but since it all...
I've been in the hospital 2x times now and each time she's been there for me... the first time she got to visit I almost cried because just the site of having her there for me, and all that she has done for me.. no one has done for me in years... and I know... I am stupidly, completely in love with her.
not only that! I want it forever.
whatever CT scan, MRI or whatever the results may be regarding my life... I just want her. I want the entire deal of love, devotion, and admiration, I want forever and always.
I have the right to say that... and I have the right to deserve that.
I recently wrote a friend of mine and said that for the first time... I have fallen in love with someone who loves me back and someone who wants the same things as me, and I am ready to give my all to her. I'm ready to take whatever steps that may be just to keep her in my life forever. I want marriage, I want kids, I want the townhouse, I want the future of greatness, the future of happiness with her.
but in saying that....
this idea sets in..... there's something wrong with me... IDK if it's my brain or my heart.... but I feel like my forever may not be as long as hers, and do I want to to put her through that? she said yes, but I don't know if I want too...
I dont want to destroy her life by forcing her to have to give up whatever to take care of me.
just as I write this I'm completely depressed because I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know how to get better, adn I don't know if I will get better... I want to just not survive.... I want to end it just so I don't force her to suffer with me.
but I also want her here with me now and forever.
I don't know what the right decision is... Im scared... and she says that theres likely nothing wrong with me...but even as I am writing... I feel the same effects I felt days ago...and IDK I thinks its serious enough that I don't feel safe in my own body or mind. and i dont know if I wnat to put her through that again.
to love her so mcuh... to need her so much. to want to let her go so she doesn't suffer whatever this is... IDK what the right decision is.. and it's breaking my heart and making me scared to face it alone...
Im losing my mind.
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