crumble in my brain

 Just as I said it was and I spoke it to truth.. I'm currently in the weird state that I don't understand what's going on, where we are going, and why we are where we are. 
my brain starts to remember back in the day when I was someone that mattered, when I was sought over to speak to, text, or whatever. that now I barely hear any words of love... 

the idea I feel is becoming someone who is relied on, and expected to be there, that my own feelings, desires and fears are no longer valid. I realize that I am putting myself in a position where I would allow anything to happen to me, to allow whatever they decided for us to be so. 
and I realize that this is what broke apart everything I've ever had, is when i gave up my control, my soul for another.. 

so I don't know how to get out of this, and I don't know what to think, and I don't know how i ever mattered.. What is it that is so special about me that makes people not want to know me at all?
To have no friends, no family, no hopes, no future. 

Why am I even still here?

the world talks as though we need connection, we need the sense of belonging to someone else, we need whatver the fuck it is.. and here I am without 
If I picked up the phone and asked for somoene to answer yes they probably would, but if I picked up the phone and asked that person to randomly show up to be in my presence that's a different story
my desire to need this connection if that's what it is, can't be over the phone. 

I feel shitty today.. I felt shitty yesterday. and I feel like my presence of being alive is being taken for granted. but I also feel...

I feel like what good have I done in my life? what makes someone want to be with me! Is it the bs person that I am normally, or is it something else. I couldn't tell you.. because Ive never been told why I matter to this person, and if that is even the truth, or if its a facade of reality that she believes.
I don't know how to test that loyalty and love, besides to walk away. 
Not that I want to walk away and not that I want to test it.. I'm supposed to have faith in that love, but when I realize now that I don't know what that loves has brought to my life? 
ALlegedly for her she loves me for selfish reasons that she won't tell me.. and therefore does that mean its not love at all! Because the fact is... we arent even together for the right reasons? 

I just want to stop feeling everything, stop feeling the pain, doubts, and fears.. I want to know.. and then if I know what I feel like I know than why are we even here anymore.. why does she stay? because I've become someone she likes to rely on? I don't know. I don't fuckin know why we stay. why we are together, why we believe we've had good days.. we haven't.. and it hasn't gotten better, and doesnt look good to get there. 

I'd rather slip away.. and let this be it for me. because I'm terrified of continuing to feel hurt when there isn't supposed to be hurt, there isn't supposed to be doubt, at least that's what all these pieces of shit people have told me.

IDK where to go from here. I don't know how to ask why me. why me, why do I matter in anyway whatsoever.. I can name a bunch of people who would have been better off not knowing me at all. and I can say she will likely regret ever having met me.