The struggle is real... I'm more and more facing each day realizing what I am giving up.. and realizing how hard it will and has been.
the choices I have made, the decisions that have come forth. it really sucks.. It really sucks, it hurts to know that i no longer want to be a part of the family I was born into.
once upon a time I gave up my whole life for them, I fought for them, stood by them, and defended them, and now I don't know who they are anymore. and I honestly have lost all trust and respect for them.
the continous pain I've endured in my life.. all the sacrifice I've made for them. its finally come to and end.. I'm finally making the right decision for myself and walking away, closing down all communication, an creating healthy boundaries with them.
in doing all this..
apparently i found a love that is greater than any love I've ever felt before. but its also terrifying because its unknown to the both of us. i spent some time today contemplating all we have endured, and all that we sacrificed for one another, all the pain we caused one another... but as much as I'd love to say that's all we are.. its not.. there is a resilience in our love like no other, there is a purity in our love, there is happiness in our love.. and that is rare for me and for her.
I wake up each day not knowing how or why she chose me, why does she love me. what is worthy about me that makes her believe I deserve love.
according to the family history alot of the pain that had happened was my fault, almost to say I carry chaos wherever I go.
I need to get past this..because I'm hurting..hurting most days. i try pretend Im ok but reality is Im not. and Im struggling, and alot the time I feel alone.
no big ramble today.... Im struggling as always... IDK what I need..
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