Tuesday, April 29, 2008

never enough

where to begin?

I think that' I've sabotaged my own self.. I had an appointment today that I made sure I didn't go too.. I knew that I needed to go but I didn't.. I knew it's been too long since i gone but I didn't go I still didn't.. I stayed.. and then it's just like why would I do that?

Because Im scared...not of the reaction of what my counselor would say about anythng.. but what I would see after saying those things.. I mean seriously..as much as I've been in knowledge of the choices I've made..it's not really kicked in and Im worried of the results of it.. but what can I do really?
I have always learned for my own damn self that I need to face consequences head on.. regardless that I am alone and I got no one else with me..and that who knows what will happen. this is my choice, my responsibilty..it's all on me..

that's why I love that quote

"My will shall shape the future. whethere I fail or succeed shall be no mans doing but my own. I am the force; I can clear any obstacle before me or I can be lost in the maze. My choice; MY responsibility; win or lose, only I hold the key to MY destiny"

I know that in the end...this is all me..instead of going past this obstacle..instead of making the right decision..instead of turning the other cheek..instead of listening to my heart...I listened to my pain..I listened to the nights cries.. I listened to the baby's cry.. I looked into her eyes.. I felt her hand in mine.. I knew... and I knew this is what I had to do.. with each punch of my knuckles on that cold night, hitting shattered glass I continued to see my hand dripping with blood..and all's I could think of was all my anger, all my hurt..all the hurt I went through to get me to the place where I am and or was... how could I face that again? how do I walk through that agian? something that should have DESTROYED ME! has only angered me..
as if to say there's an angry beast living in my heart...resting in my soul..waiting,... prowling for an opportunity to pounce..to prowl..to hurt..to scar... to be all that I don't want to be..

I found myself tonight saying a children's laliby but not just any...but the one "where the bible tells me so" and I snapped out of it..and thought to myself.. why am I thinking of that? Look at what i've done..what have I become?
Someone who has a great opportunity...great future just waiting for me..calling me.. a great destiny just ahead...and what have I done? not that my future has gone away.. but that I not sure I ever will feel the same again...

is it really possible to become who I used to be? do I really believe in God? but then when I say something like that...how could I not?
People have heard my stories..heard my heart when I was yearning for God.. the love I had for him was so magnificent that I always was just waiting for the next step...
instead I've allowed myself..to take myself..I've allowed those terrible times, these terrible times to linger in my life..and now Im ashamed... How could one be like this? how can someone return from this? I dont' really know if I want too..but I don't think I can hold together without him... I mean without him I would not be where I have come...but I also know that without him.. just look at what I've become.. confused..lost..hurt..and totally unsure of what's right and wrong.. I know it in my heart..but I also have not been following my heart..


that's my thoughts for today...

other then that.. TODAY would have been my cousin's birthday..and I need some time on my own.. I miss him so much...and hate how this has all become..and I hate that I seen him that once I mean Im grateful but I also..am completely broken about that..and it's just so crazy.. and I dont know what IM going to day today.. I have one shot..and I going to take it but I also don't want too...how do we celebrate those people? I mean my cousins are going to the crash site but no matter what I don't think I could ever come to that place of being at that place..I would do it for my cousins but I dont want too..every inch of my being would parish..every part of me would fall apart..and I would breakdown all over agian... because this has been one of the most difficult struggles for me to have to deal with..

I dont know...what to do.. where to go...who to talk too...

if not that..my ex and I are talking again...three weeks we been broken up..and people been asking me would I get back together..and I like I don't know...that was a traumatic time for me and being in a relationship for me right now is too overwhelming regardless of how much love there was there... I just know that I got so much shit going on in my head.so much hurt going on in my heart.. I could not handle it..but at the same time.. I loved what I had.. I loved the way I felt..and I loved being with someone...but not at this time.. so Im fighting with myself.. because I have to let that go..and yet still be friends... it's completely crazy and confusing...and frustrating an amazing...all at the same time..

these are all my thoughts and Im sticking to it!


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