when I was down

The last few days of my life....
I spent some time with close friends...and some time with my family... spending time with certain family members has always been so difficult... I had my brother out with me too... I didn't really understand how my cousin loved my brother around so much... she was hugging him and being around him like crazy... she annoyed me because I just couldn't handle those tears.. I couldn't handle the idea...
I told my brother I said Im so glad that I was not that old...like old enough to really have to deal with the emotions like that of losing my father.. I was too young...I couldn't imagine where my mind would be mentally if I lost my father now... I don't think I'd survive for too long... my father was the only one that loved me... and he was the only reason my mom didn't abort me.. so I am very grateful for him...
what I loved most about my dad is that he loved me...he showed that...he didn't need to say that.. he showed me... all the time... all the time there was never a moment of anger when it came to me... he always loved me.. I was his daughter...and he just loved me and thats what I really loved about him...
so if I had lost my father now it would kill me... because it's been difficult enough as it is to have to deal with it still now..

so I was there with my cousins...allowing them to cry..allowing them to be angry... but I was so upset wtih them for being so irresponsible and stupid... I hate it when people have too much to drink and act like that it bothers me alot.i did not stick around to see the outcome of this stuff just because I can't be that person..I can't.. I mean mentally and physically I can't be there for them.. I can't help them.. I can't be their saviour because it's starting to destroy me...I can't do that again...I can't be that person..I ned to hold back and I need to just try not be that person..

anyhow...

there's been a lot of other things going on...but it's too difficult for me to be sitting much longer.. my body is trying to go to sleep I guess..one of the effects of the painkillers...

night