Next step

 I am looking at the new month and thinking how did we make it here! and how can we make it through it! I've been going through all these stupid disappointments that are hurting my heart, and i know some of it is me but some is that I feel unworthy. 
these feelings are my own BS life, all the shit I've gone through put up with or allowed in my life. 

I'm struggling because everything in my body is telling me to RUN! run away from what is to come because I'm just going to get hurt. but the heart part of me says that she said we're forever... there's no way that can be true...how can that be true.. some days we're so good and on the same page, but other times like now I feel so lost, so distant, and so lost. 
I also feel like I'm changing? wanting to change? wanting to be better for her? or maybe coming into my own person in some BS way? I don't know

I recently had a phone call from a former lover whos been my friend for 11 yrs now!!!!!! that's insane... but reality is that' shows who I am. there are some people worth standing by, and if someone needs that someone I'm usually the o

ne willing to do that.. and for her I did.. and when she called and told me all that she appreciated of me, and us as friends more family now.. I almost cried because in a time like now! I am feeling LOST! I am feeling so broken? so shattered? so scared? i don't know. 

in a few hours I'm finally getting some extra medical advice but im terrified it's going to say nothing and that I'm all good and there's nothing wrong with me,and I just wasted my life all this time..
it was hard..because while having her lay in my arms.. I wanted to cry.. I wanted to cry because of how great it felt to have her in my life, and how far we've come, and the fact that she stood by me while I was in hospital, that she loves me enough to be there for me.
But then a moment today.. a moment of my insecurity of knowing that I am less than, that I am unworthy of the love we have? I don't know... I don't know.. I just struggling... 

I'm trying to stay positive but it's hard... Its hard because all my life has been negative. all my life has always been painful.... reminder of my bs... I just want to get over this!
I'd love to show her who I am without my insecurities, my neediness, or desires to be loved etx.. but at the same time.... 

HOW! WHY does she even care. why am I worthy! why am I chosen. 

I have to remember why we're together but I don't know why we stay together... I just want to break down and cry because I'm hurting, and I want to talk to her but I cant 

Im hurt.. I'm hurting..and Im struggling..all my medical BS, all my life BS, and all my mind BS trying to tell me to run run away from all of this.... she's too young, she deserves better, whatever can come to mind of why I'm not her forever.... its hard to see forever right now even if she believes it... she could have believed that teh way I had with certain ones of my ex partners.. we all have those moments where we think that? don't we>

how can we know? how can we beileve it? because we breath life into it? we build on it! while I want too but IDK how to do this anymore... I"M LOST I'm LOST!!!