Tuesday, May 30, 2017

reason for the beast

First off shout out to my favourite friends Jessica and Merv! Jessica celebrated her bday this past weekend, and I wish I had remembered but I was all fucked up. as for Merv even if I wanted to avoid it, he made sure I was part of their day. and he was happy about the shirts I bought him! lol
I guess tonight... I'll be honest the lingering thoughts from the last few days are in my mind and what I can do to make proper changes, or else give up all together.
It's honestly really hard to think about you know... because I don't want to be selfish, I remember what I felt when my uncle Anthony died, or when Robin Williams died. I couldn't help but think what could have been done, or what how did people close to them feel. because when it comes to death by suicide I honestly believe that it's just like slipping away. and no matter what someone somewhere is kicking themselves because they thought they could change the outcome, that they could have saved that person. but from my experience you can't actually save someone if they want to end, want the pain to stop there's no real stopping it, there could be delaying it, but if someone is determined it does happen.
I don't know much... I know that most of my scars and all my nights trying to jump off shit, were just me likely crying for help and not fully understanding what it has been why I would do those things. but for the first time.. and I hope that not many take offence to this idea.
but something struck me in a way that I'm not sure how I can describe it the way it was said to me. the realization that as a first nation person who has suffered the intergenerational trauma of my parents, and their parents and parents parents etx... this has been a cycle of abuse, pain, void and torment. addictions etc. but reality is... it only takes one... one person to change the cycle.. and for some odd reason they have chosen me.
Regardless the situation is this that we're living in a world that having to understand I heard somewhere it'll take about 100 years for this generation to be free of all the oppression or all this void that I feel. so it won't be in my time that I'll see the true and fulfillment of healing. I know that I'll try and yet I'll fail... and that apparently most of the culture will feel what I feel... the feeling of worthless, the feeling of loneliness, and the feeling that it doesn't get better than this. that this is it.. there's nothing better. nothing good... that this is a pay check to pay check ,and theres nothing to accomplish..
but even as I write this.. I remember that Jessica is a student, instead of letting oppression or detours stand in her way of learning, and wanting to give back to the community she keeps moving forward, and as far as I'm aware she doesn't drink, doesn't do drugs, and doesn't smoke. and in this country for this kind of first nation culture to rise above all those things that tear us down, she's able to stand strong and wise and beautiful. I know that I'm always inspired by her, same goes for Margo Kane who shares our culture and heritage through talking stick festival, and sharing her stories through performance.
everyone has their ways, and I think it's important to find the way for us all.. but I'm telling you now.. I think my way has come and passed.. I remember.. my ideas of my future.. I was all excited when I attended Justice Institute of BC (JIBC) it made me fully want to become a police officer, I wanted and yearned and dreamed that would be one day... Unfortunately because of the "beast" in my life, I caused more harm to myself and my mental stability that I believe it's impossible for me to become a police officer.. then I thought I wanted to be an advocate for First Nations, because I work with a lot of First Nation people in DTES, and I've seen how some people in different organizations treat our people, and I wanted to create something that would be beneficial to them.
of course then I realized I know very little about my own heritage, my own self and that I can't lead people if I don't know what that looks like, and then remembering about my own hypocrisy that even though people are saying my current addiction isn't a huge deal... it's a huge deal in my own belief of who I want to be, and I guess that's hard for me.
so now I feel like at whatever age I'm at now.can't the world just let me go? and let my life end and I'll come back as a something.. lol
what more is there really to give back to the world that hasn't already been given? I've given my blood, sweat and tears for many. I have tried and failed, and the hardest thing is I can't even say it. but I just I don't know if its the meds or if its awaken the beast that's making me feel what i feel.. but I hope for the best to move forward but i'm also on the fence and i'm also fully ready to let go. whether that be my own self or that be nature taking whatever action...

IDK i'm confused. and I just don't know what to do..

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