I really hope that I'm only feeling this way because I'm hungry or that I'm triggered by my constant need to come to this part of Vancouver to see my mom.. in 2009 I believe I almost died an to my follows you will remember my life back then an I wrote about it.. however I think I'm having a bad day..
My ride over here I just wish it would end... the constant concern for money, for debts, an my constant b.s of helping others an giving up my stuff for others. I wish that I could give up whatever fuckin hope I think there is. I wish I could just throw my hands up and give up... I'm constantly battling within myself.. An today I lost.. today "The Beast" has won an I just want it all to end...
I think another part to that is that I was talking to my friend an it stirred thoughts of what happened a year ago today.. I was just about off work... I guess I must have been washing my hands an I take my rings off to do that.. An for some reason I dropped the ring... An it shattered.. a stainless steel or whatever ring.. broke in two while Falling on a tile floor. I was sad but figured it would one day be replaced.. But now.. after that.. I went to a stupid dinner where I was planning on setting up my friend with this guy I know.. An it ended up he hit it off with someone else.. An i was furious.. the whole point of that stupid dinner was for these other two to talk an I guess he wasn't interested in her anyway..
I got mad at my friend.. An that was the friend that bought me that ring.. An so now.. fate... accident. Whatever it may have been...that ring is associated with that incident an it hurts me.. for who knows what reason...her an I didn't talk for a month I think..
An yet here i am... still feeling whatever I felt... An on top of that... this is her.. the one her...that I haven't spoken to in 3 months going on four months.. An ill tell you that stings.. I devoted my love an admiration to this one amazing person. And yes she's not that great she's far from perfect. But I accepted her for her who she is, I loved her for what she had been for me.
I wish... I wish I didn't think of this anymore... an on top of that my two best friends.. aren't even talking to me.. so it's like all my bridges an supports are crumbling.. an usually I'd fall back on my family an that isn't even happening... so distant an cold..
I hate my life..
Maybe a lesson in how to be independent on my own.. to not need anyone to be me or complete me. But we are social beings, we are people who need connections, need that everything bulshit.
See these are reasons I should be allowed to give up! I should be allowed to just decide fuck it.. I want to die..
I have nothing at this very moment that is giving me reason to live another day... why cant I be a being that doesn't care.. I deserve to not care.. I still think my answer should be no to helping people.. an here I am hungry an broke.. because what oh cause I helped people.
I even offered to pay people to kill me.. but there's no amount that would make it worth it or real..
Just depressed an beast is winning today