Tuesday, June 20, 2017


I'm still addicted to the idea of super heroes, yes Joker is in that mix.. because as much as we all hope to be like superman or batman, realistically we or I am all crazy inside anyway. haha
I'm having a hard time right now.. and it's hard to explain.. except to say that I bailed on my sister and friend today, because I am exhausted... not just from working..but from helping others, and wanting to be there for people... when realizing and knowing full heartedly that I'm an introvert! I value and thrive and recharge by moments of being alone, and spending time by myself, enjoying watching my favourite movies "suicide squad" and "batman vs superman" haha this is what recharges the whatever that it is that makes me or allows me to enjoy the world again..
I almost lost it today! to the point that I wanted to turn off my phone and just screw it all together but I couldn't.. cause of course I'm addicted to my phone but also knowing no one really messages me. I basically got mad at everyone who messaged me! and my first thought was ice cream! haha I wanted to go. but things didn't work out, and because it was a nice day! i knew I had to come home and hide away.
the world is changed so much! and even my family dynamics have changed, I've been there at home a bit more, and its hard! I love my family, and with my sisters pregnancy i do want to be there for her you know. but it's hard.. and at the same time.. she's got rarely anyone.. only because no one wanted her to have the baby... we all wanted her to stop! but she didn't  and she thought her idiot boyfriend would be there. and i told her.. i knew and seen what would happen just like every young couple they broke up, he's in a new relationship and threatening to take the baby that hasn't even been born. almost to say all my sisters hard work into working on herself, and cleaning herself up, and trying to get housing, and not using drugs blah blah blah! and yet she's having a hard time keeping it together, so I've been trying! trying so hard to help her but its hard.. I don't know anything about children, pregnancy or anything actually! because I've never and will never go through this experience.
anyway I'm trying.. and it's hard because I feel like i'm getting sick! I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders.. and I need a break.. unfortunately the only break I have is in August, so I'm going to have to find a way to make it till then.. I'm hoping that means things like skydiving.. or even getting a tattoo!
I'm conflicted with my tattoo ideas! i have three tattoo ideas, and one of them I'd have to pay someone to create it which is awesome, but what shall it be... I know it's a good idea to add some tradition into my tattoo, but in something that would honour my dad.. honour my uncle, honour the men in my life.. that have died.. but have left an imprint on my life! I don't know what that looks like yet.. but I can tell you Father's day was hard for me!
no matter what I do and how much I pretend that Shi* doesn't hurt.. it still does... my uncle's birthday was june 13 I mean would have been... and he's gone.. and that was hard for me.. and then father's day was terrible. I mean it was good in the sense that I had dinner with my brothers and my best friends, and that was good.. but it's not reality of all the garbage of people celebrating that day! and then when I hear people complain about their parents I just want to shake them! scream at them! do you know what it's like to lose a parent, to have to celebrate these shitty years without them! to have to remember their birthdays, or the day they died or fathers day! imagine how that feels!
should be grateful! I will tell you right now! I'm absolutely grateful to have my mother! the strongest woman I've ever known! no matter how hard her life got, she never turned her life into chaos, she didn't stay in addiction, she decided made the decision to love her kids, and she decided to turn from drugs and alcohol and now...I believe 22 years later clean and sober.. and raised 6 kids on her own. and she is still working and volunteering in the very community that she once was a part of in the sense of once she lived down there, once she drank in that bar, once she staggered through those streets and yet here she is! she is a the executive director of a AFD, she still volunteers at places, and is well known within the community! if it were up to me she should get a reward
although she doesn't like material things! believe me.. I've gotten her almost everything in the book, she likes appreciation in the little things.. just to make her smile there's nothing like that in the world, or on christmas when I bought her the ring with all her children birth stones. she absolutely loved it and wanted that! she likes to tell people about that..
anyway i love my mom! and a lot of people say I'm like my mother in the sense that i'm working in the same community, and I don't drink, and I try and be a good example.. I fail and fall short sometimes but I'm human... I do the best I can when I can..
Regardless I guess.. according to my old counsellor.. we all are our own heroes, we all have it within ourselves to make it through hardships and make it through these difficult days.. I'm having a hard time remembering that because it's been an unbelievable time lately there's no way to express what I'm going through, or what I'm feeling.. I wish I could have it easier just for a short time you know? let something good happen.. let wonder woman save my life! lol let her make my day for a day! or a month or a week. haha
IDK... what should I do... where should I go! let me marry that woman in Germany and let me be happy! lol at least in my dreams tonight, or someone get me a ticket, and tell her to marry me! haha like Johnny Cash asked June Carter! "Marry me, you're my best friend" haha


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