you know when I'm around my family in the beginning I always think wow this is so great why didn't I do this more often because they are great people blah blah blah.
then the little things happen and it's like the snowball effect it just gets worse and worse and worse to the point it's unbearable.
I can't be a part of my family and their stuff... because its like I used to always say about the snake who eats it's prey.. it sucks the life of it's prey before swallowing it whole..
honestly exact same that happens to me when I'm surrounded by my family.. when I begin to let them back in my life, and begin to do the little things like helping them go from A to B, or even just listening to their bs etx... the little things begin to add up, and my heart begins to crumble, and I get pulled in every direction, to the point I forget that I have nothing at home, I haven't even taken care of myself or my cats, or my home, and I'm back to old thoughts of ending everything because it's to overwhelming..
and then when I release that.. when I let that go... in the way of my addiction that's been around for about 17 yrs... when i go back to that chaos, when I open the door to the beast.. and when I try to shut that door.. it's not helping/working or happening.. and now I'm back to the person I used to be.. I mean from the outside of the box people look in and think how great I am that I'm helping my family, what they don't see is I feel like I'm a slave, obligated and ordered to help them and it sucks the life out of me, and when that happens... I become the darkness.. crazy thoughts set in etx.
and I know what your thinking what about boundaries, what about half way in half way out, etc.. believe I wouldn't be where I am today..
regardless I guess of course with all things in my life.. I'm struggling.. my heart is feeling pulled and broken and is shattering..
the only good thing about it all.. is that I traveled to Alberta... I went to see the one person I had hoped loved and cared and cherished me.. and of course she did, and it was more than just those things.. and now I'm considering relocating... yes I know insane cray.. but I just don't know what there is else here for me in the city, I always said that I came back to this horrible place for my family, I came to protect them, defend them, and to kill that one person who hurt someone in my family.. and all the most have been done, except killing the child molester..only because I can't find him.. anyway I just don't see a point in me being here any more.. I don't see purpose for me in the city, with my job, friends and family... everything is falling apart. and I'm sure I'm just being crazy and thinking about running away from problems and how that doesn't solve anything...
it will solve the one thing! that I'll get out of the grip of my family..and maybe find some sort of happiness for myself.
I'm currently losing my mind.. and I'm feeling overwhelmed and I don't know how to walk away and be ok with whatever bs I have going on.. I am going to consider Alberta, because I love the person that is there,and I think that I can be happy... for some time.. and I think I deserve that right about now... in this time in my life.
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